I’ve been trying to answer this question. To see where I am. What my body can do. What mentally I am prepared to do. I think I have the answer.
Am I ready to run a virtual NYC Marathon?
Am I ready to complete 26.2 miles for Sandy Hook Promise for a NYC Virtual Marathon?
Yes…. With in reason
I need to be smart. I need to be reasonable and most of all…… I need to check the ego.
This past Sunday, I went out with one agenda. Ok maybe 2. To plan my route which will consistent of “loops” from a local park. I am hoping to have people join me for parts of the “race” and thought this would be a great way to do it. There will be loops in the park going out to longer loop leaving park. This way some can come for shorter or longer distances. I went with no pace plan. No time frame. No nothing. Just the loops and to hit 13 miles.
I did it.
Not too shabby either
How you ask?
By not being an idiot. Ok, anymore of an idiot than thinking of finishing a marathon. I walked. I ran slowly. I walked. I stopped at my car at end of first loop. I stopped to rub feet. I refuled. I took my time. I had no… I need to be faster. I need to hit this pace. I should blah, blah, blah
I just did it
I did it knowing that I could do it. I did it knowing that I could do more. I did it knowing that my body has done this again. I did this with the thought never again….. but maybe I just mean a virtual. Most of all I did this knowing that honestly there will come a day that I can’t do this, but (blank) no, that day is not today. So I will do this.
It will be hard. My feet will hurt. My hands will swell. I will be tired. I most definitely will be sore. I will be slow. I will like every marathon question my wisdom, BUT I PLAN TO FINISH WHAT I SET OUT TO DO!
So the date is set, October 22.
The time is set…. Starting at 8:30
The pace is what it will be.
The reason is clear……… I am running for Sandy Hook Promise and the promise of a better day for our children.
Could be age. You know having to get up for the bathroom.
Could be damn Cpap machine that gurgles, hisses and is stuck on my head.
Could be the hypopara muscle aches and all the fun that goes with it.
Could be mind spinning and spinning.
Who knows. Sleep is a mysterious thing which is why I assume there are so many books about it. That being said, all this tiredness makes for an unmotivated not moving as much as I should be person.. All I know is that I am not alone in my struggle. The struggle is real and so many of us go through it.
i will be honest too…… Staying on track is hard. Staying motivated may be even harder. The why bother it never works devil is real. The does it really make a difference voice is loud. The does it even matter whispers are shouts. What is the point is the biggest struggle. Round and round and round it goes till you are paralysed into doing nothing.
No blogging to keep yourself honest.
No coming up with goals but finding so many excuses.
Now here me out……… Some of these “excuses” are vaild. Many of them are real making what feels like an impossible situation like climbing a mountain without gear. I often forget though…..
I can do hard things!
I have done hard things.
Now the question I have to seriously start asking though…….
Do I want to do them?
What is the benefit of doing them? What is the detriment of not doing them? And the absolute hardest question….. Why am I afraid of doing them? Of making a plan…… of sticking to it…. Of being willing to falter….. of doing something even if I am the only one who cares that I am doing it?
The truth boils down to….. Fear of failure. Fear of stating that something I strive for might be out of reach…. We don’t stop growing because we fail, we stop growing because we stop trying.
I, once again, might be ready to face reality and try. There are some truths to. I have medical condition that makes trying harder some days them others. I am a home baker. There will be snacks but I can adjust. I am a middle age woman with the metabolism of a dead person. I need to move more and make excuses. I need to at the very least try.
I need to eat healthier.
Goal # 2
I need to move in a more constent manner and come up with a plan.
Goal # 3
I need to make myself accountable. For me that will mean documenting it all. The struggles. The small (and hopefully) big victories and just be real that it isn’t always going to work. So I need to adjust and not give up.
While this morning, I did weigh myself and take measurements, weight is not the goal. More importantly, the numbers that I need to improve…. Cholesterol, calcium, kidney function and the rest will work itself out.
In trying to figure out. Trying to come up with a plan. Trying to put the pieces together when I always feel like one is missing. Trying… Trying… Trying……One day I might know until then, keep working on –
How to move forward….
How to get back and stay on track…. (Does anyone ever stay on track?).
How to reach goals that I have been putting off setting….. ( Because if you set a goal, then that means you have to make a plan. If you make a plan, then you need to be accountable for following that plan)
I realized something…….. Once again, I was putting myself in a holding pattern.
Hear me out……..
I realize that once again I’ve been living in fear. I’ve been waiting for the shoe to drop. Funny thing is once started to drop, I realized that while there is a lot that I have no control of that by pretending the future is now that I am missing the present.
When you have Hypoparathyroidism, you have to usually take boat loads of calcium, prescription forms of Vitamin D on top of other things. Anywho…. As I’ve mentioned before, this is hard on the body. Kidneys especially. I’ve had high levels of calcium in urine which is not good. I’ve had some things indicating that maybe this was heading where I didn’t want it to go. I’ve also been lucky not to have had kidney stones and other issues, but it was always there in back of my mind.
Get some results back and shows that my eGFR rate is dropping. 2 years after being Hypopara it was 73 (still in normal range) but enough that I worried about my kidney health which made me feel like I was being a hypochondriac. Guess I wasn’t because now 6 years in my eGFR has continued to drop 56 which is out of normal range and indicates that kidneys are not working properly otherwise known as CKD. As a side note, for a woman my age it should be in 90’s. So not great but not as bad as it could be!
Now the thing is doctors don’t seem overly concerned at this stage, but I am. You know, you only have one body thing. Also might be reason to switch to a nephrologist who doesn’t wait for things to get bad before thinking it’s a big deal. Anyway, these numbers while not great also were the wake up call that I needed to realize that…..
EVERYTHING IS NOT OUT OF MY HANDS!
Being overweight is not good for many things including kidney health. Now, there was a time when I could say that my extra weight wasn’t effecting my health and at the time that was true; but that is no longer the case.
My nutrition could be better. I’m not talking about nutrition to loose weight. I am talking about making sure that I am eating the right foods. Getting the right proteins, carbs, healthy fats.
There might come a day where I can’t do the things that I want, but I am not even close to being there now or in the near future!
so what to do….. what to do……
Well one and two go together. While I’ve met in the past with a functional nutritionist , this time I wanted to meet with someone who focused on kidney health. I found a Registered Dietitian with all the right credentials who among other things works with endocrine, kidney and weight loss issues. (All the boxes and then some checked).
I could (not easily) go on a diet to loose weight but if it is not the right diet for my health than loosing the weight means nothing. Last time I dropped a decent amount of weight it was between son 2 & 3. I did it with the South Beach Diet which is very much not the type of diet I should use now. My goal is not so much the weight loss but finding the right diet for kidneys and hypoparathyroidism. Loosing 20 pounds would be the bonus and one I am now actively working on.
My goal though is to change my numbers around as it’s early enough to do that and if I can’t turn them around, slow them the (beep) down!
So with all of that weighing on my mind, I’ve been acting like I am already at the point where I can’t run anymore. Now that’s just crazy talk…… Like Serious crazy talk……. Maybe…. Maybe…. Maybe….. one day, but not yet.
Now I know that just with Hypopara, my running has changed but I’ve been getting it done. I’ve been doing what I can but I’ve been holding back because I was waiting for what I don’t know. Kind of like when you put off cleaning out your closet because you just don’t want to deal with it. Then you realize that once you start tackling it, it’s not so bad.
So it’s not so bad!
Plus I’ve been training for my triathlon. I’m not trained trained. I feel like I never am anymore. What I am is trained enough to know that I will make it out of the water and still be able to bike and while not run, will be able to at least walk to the finish line.
oh did I mention that event is 12 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Often you don’t know you are moving forward till you look back. Only then can you see how far you have come. Sometimes though, you might not see how far you have come but realize that instead…… you are in the same place. That nothing has changed. That while you thought you were moving forward but that you realize that you didn’t do the things you thought you were doing. That you have been stationary or worse thinking you were going forward but on a treadmill not really going anywhere
That you have just been going through the motions.
Questions being asked……
Am I blogger?
Based on my current blogging history, maybe not. Does anyone still even read this? I’m not sure. If you do, feel free to comment and say Hi:). I feel like I haven’t had much to say. If I can’t motivate myself, why would anyone want to read about an unmotivated runner.
Am I a runner?
Why is this always such a hard question to answer? It really shouldn’t be since I’m kind of (yes, I said that) training for the virtual NYC marathon. I also have run several 5K’s and 2 half marathons this year…. Yet, yet, yet….. somehow I don’t feel like a runner anymore which really doesn’t make sense. If you run, you are a runner. I know that mentally but somehow in my heart
It’s also funny because my kick ass 75 year old mother who this year battled a pulmonary embolism is back to running. She refuses to call herself a runner which annoys me. She is constantly saying, I am just jogging. I’m not a runner like you. She is running usually at a 16 minute plus pace but she is out there getting it done. She is running. Plus as previously mentioned, she is 75!!! She is putting me to shame with her drive. I keep telling her that she needs to give her body a chance to recover. I would bet that she has logged more miles this year than me. 6 miles here. 4 there. Day after day. Yet she doesn’t see it. I do though and while she says I motivate her, she motivates me.
oh, and as I’ve mentioned before all these miles she is putting in are on her street. Back and forth she goes. With her new water belt and tracking on her watch. She is a true bad ass.
So with that inspiration, I know that if she can start running in her 70’s, Continue to run after literally almost dying, continuing to run to the point where I tell her to give it a rest, then maybe just maybe I should take my head out of my ass and get moving.
In November, I will be completing the NYC virtual marathon. This will be my 10th marathon. I know my marathon times have gotten slower, but I’m still out there. Still plugging away. Even though training is different, I am still training. My body is different, but for now it is still capable. Oh, and I am also training to compete a Sprint Tri. Isn’t that enough?
I realize though that it is not just me because in a running group someone new posted about being a “casual runner.” I think we all do that and we all need to stop. If you lace up your shoes, you are a runner. Stop. Full Stop.
We need to stop comparing ourselves to others, to our younger self and realize that we are all just doing the best we can on any given day.
So my last post about unmotivated seemed to start my summer theme, but…..
It’s been a minute and I thought I would re-introduce myself and my new motivation.
My name is Christine and I think I am a runner?
But I am also a home baker busy with my new Cottage Food Baking business. Baking, researching, practicing, plotting.
I also work part time outside the home at a child care center. If you have ever worked with 3 year olds, you know that it is exhausting in a fun kids are too cute way.
I am also a home maker. Although 1 of my boys is a college graduate this past June and now in the work force, I still have one more college student at home and a High School student.
I also have Hypoparathyroidism which makes everything a balancing act.
I love to garden.
I am a busy, busy, bee….
I am also a blogger? At least think I am. I’ve written many a blog posts in my mind never to have actually made it to WordPress. I hope to change that. I hope to change a lot of things. So with that let’s catch up!
Although I haven’t been blogging or training, I have actually been moving (somewhat). I’ve been pretraining training. For what you ask.
I am running the NYC Virtual Marathon for Sandy Hook Promise. Those of you here a while know that I had made it to the in person marathon team for the 3rd time, but this year gave my spot up for a few reasons. I was at peace with that. Then Uvalde and I wanted back in. So I am now ”running” and raising money for Sandy Hook Promise as part of a virtual marathon team. Even though it will still be 26.2 miles, the pressure is off.
Now before entering to do the virtual marathon, I had already signed up to do a Sprint Triathlon. This is one that I have never done, but have wanted to do. Sprint Triathlons have a special place in my heart as my very first race was a Sprint Triathlon – The NJ Iron Girl.
This was the race that started my crazy journey. That I started blogging to share my progress. That motivated me to run and made me realize that I actually like running. That got me where I am today because I cross trained and liked it which is the main reason I liked the idea of jumping back into a tri. Although I do not enjoy the swim as much as others. The swim will be in the bay at LBI. It also requires training. I always say with a tri…. The bike, you can coast. The run, you can walk, but the swim….. you will drown. Not really because they always have safety measures, but you get it.
So I have been pre training. I’ve been doing some biking. Still running sporadically, but really no swimming except some laps at the summer pool. This will all change next week…….
Because my training plan will officially start and I will be off the couch and out the door!
Why is it so hard to get your shit together, but so easy for it all to fall apart?
I’ve been plugging along. Seems like what I do. Just enough to keep moving. Just enough when things fall apart to use the excuse that I’m not prepared. Just enough to still get out the door, but not enough to push the envelope.
Tuesday of this week, without training other than a run here and there, I ran a 5K in town. My plan was just to run it to see how I did and felt. I met a friend and her friend on the course. I ran the last 2 miles with them. I finished. I finished in a respectable time. I finished with a big sprint at the end. I finished pushing it, but knowing that I could have kept going (slower but still going) which is good because I’m running a 10K Saturday.
I think I need to go back to the fake it till you feel it mantra. I keep signing up to do things because I want to do the event, but training isn’t high on priority list. Seeing as I signed up for a Sprint Triathlon for September and don’t want to drown, I better get a plan together. Plus I decided to do another big fall event virtually which will require it’s own post….. until then, it’s really time to get going.
I think I’ve just been so unmotivated for multiple reasons. Dealing with pinched nerve in neck. Working… Baking….. unmotivated…. then even more unmotivated… finally extremely unmotivated.
Al I keep going back to is if without training I can run a 5K in 35:11 and not die, what would happen if I actually got my head out of the sand and trained?
Often when you read about how to be healthier or loose weight, it is all about food choices and exercise. Now OBVIOUSLY those two are what is necessary to maintain a healthy lifestyle, weight, and effect our health the most. What I keep finding though is that what is often missed in these discussions is the MONEY and the TIME it takes to eat healthy. Now studies have shown that obesity and poverty are associated. I am not going down that rabbit whole today. If you are uncertainty of that correlation, there are many valid peer reviewed studies on it.
This post is about me (as most of them are) and those that can relate. This is about those of us who do not fall into the above mentioned category of poverty but still struggle. Yes, it is diet and exercise. Yes, I can choose to have a healthy salad for lunch instead of quickly throwing together a PB&J sandwich or going through a drive through. I know that. I can eat a well balanced home cooked salmon dinner instead of ordering a pizza…….but I’m tired.
Let’s face it…. It is hard to eat healthy. It shouldn’t be, but it is.
Why? Oh why?
Yes….. It’s Money!!!
I have been starting my day off with a healthy smoothie for a while now. Do you know the cost of good fruit? Even frozen. Then you add in the yogurt, protein powders and such and it all adds up. And I am bot even talking about going organic because thats a rich mans game for family. And this is only breakfast. Why is a healthy salad or salmon dinner more expensive than picking up a burger or a bowl of pasta? Then we are not even getting into snacks……
Yes…… It’s Time!
We are all going a million directions where as they say time is money. I have my morning smoothie game down pat where it doesn’t take me a long time now but that being said, I also don’t have a 9 to 5 job. Luckily for me, I don’t go into work until 1:00 affording me time in the morning to have my smoothie and if I plan a healthy lunch. Dinner though is another thing when I am getting home tire at 6:30. It really is much easier and faster to throw something together processed and filled with carbs than cutting fresh ingredients. Also lets not forget that the fresh ingredients are more expensive. Honestly cooking healthy meals is more time consuming than opening a box and we can all agree with that
With all this being said…..
For me since my kids are older giving me more time……..
For me since I can afford to make the healthier choices without effecting my bottom line for the most part…
It honestly and 100% comes down to will. Some days I have it. Some days I don’t. Some days I am just tired. Some days I just want to spend time cooking a healthy meal Some days it’s a mixed bag much like my entire life.
Here is the thing too. I am not striving for perfection. I know I will go through cycles where I follow a plan and some days I won’t. I also know that in the end all I can do is make the best choices on any given day. Some days that will mean a instagram worthy smoothie, salad, or healthy dinner. Some days it will mean eating fries out of a bag while downing an impossible burger.
Because as I’ve said before – None of us are getting out of here alive and we need to stop beating ourselves up over things that don’t really matter.
Because I know that I am lucky to be able to do what I can
Tip for the day
Stop beating yourself up because there are enough people in the world that will do it for you. Be your own BFF and have your own back knowing that you are doing the best you can
It’s been a rough few weeks. The ups and downs have been real……
Mama is recovering from being in the hospital after her fall and blood clots. She has many doctors appointments in her future, but she if recovering at my sister’s in California. As a friend said, there are worst places to recover in. As an added bonus, she will have more time with her granddaughter and her new grandson. She is in good hands and is on the road to recovery even if the time it takes is longer than we would like. That being said, she is already baking cookies with granddaughter with help from other grandma.
So that is a huge stress relief and blessing.
Then we have also been dealing with family member who was battling Covid. Sadly the decision to place him in comfort care was the correct one and had the outcome everyone expected, but no one wanted. There is no positive to this story other than he is finally at peace and no longer suffering. Sometimes that is all there can be.
So with all of these stressors, it has been a lot.
Work = stress
Home = stress
Starting home baking business = stress
Life = stress
It was time to do something fun. Something stupid. Something just for me for no other reason than I wanted to do it….. And I did!
Months ago, I had signed up for a winter trail 5K. This event is just a silly fun event that also raises money for good cause.. The Squatchy Onesie Fest is just what it sounds like….. We ran in onesies! Now I will say that it was unseasonable warm which did make for a hotter run than it should be. The ground was muddy, icy, and fun to run all at the same time. I will also say the day after this event, we had a beautiful light snow which is how I initially envisioned this event when I signed up, but it was still perfect just the way it was.
It was just stupid hard fun that I didn’t think about and just enjoyed.
Just what I needed!
Case in point…
I will also say that every time I run the trails, I am reminded how much I really love running them and wish that I had more time to run them. I really need to do both more trails and more stupid just for fun events.
I was also reminded to not take everything so seriously. Just to let go. Have fun and not afraid to look stupid because in the end….. no one will remember your PR time, but they will remember your journey.
2022 has been a year……. And it has only been a month………
January was not the year for running. I looked at my stats and I ran a total of 15 miles. Yes, you read that right. 15 whole miles. So, with out a doubt, not a stellar month for running. I am trying to get back into my training as I would like to comfortably finish the NYC Half. Not looking to run a sub 2 like I did the last time I ran it, but looking to at least enjoy it like I did last time too. I had fun. Running a sub 2 I still managed to take amazing photos and fun selfies while zipping through the city. I want to be able to have that same fun at a different pace.
So I have been trying to get back to my training…..
But it’s hard.
It is so hard.
Again January has been a year….. Like any year, some good. Some bad. Let’s break it down.
My state of NJ has finally come out of the dark ages and allowed home bakers to legally bake from home with a permit. So beginning of month, I was working on getting all permits and paperwork. Then I was off to the races baking. More truthfully, off to the oven. It has been a whirlwind of testing recipes, filling orders and trying to figure out marketing/required labels. But I have loved it all because to me baking is one of my Happy Places.
So I will share some of my happy moments with you!
While doing this, I am still working my 30 plus normal job, pretending to take care of the house and not letting anything on the home front slide. To say it’s been a lot might be an understatement but I am not complaining because I have a goal.
Then the flip side of the month has brought a lot of different emotion.
A family member has been dealing with the demons of Covid. Watching in slow motion from afar the stories you have watched on the news play out in real time with more than likely the same outcome. This story is still playing out but leaves raw emotions especially for loved ones who you are supporting. So many emotions…. The ONLY thing I will say is …… please get vaccinated. If not for you, for your loved ones.
Then there was/is a health scare with my own mom. She is visiting sister in California and Monday morning fainted falling face first full force on a tile floor breaking her nose in 3 places. After a ride to ER, it was determined that she had a Saddle Pulmonary Embolism which basically is a massive clot in her lungs. They found a second one in her leg. It was a week…… Up and down… Up and down….. Things move quickly in the medical field though (at least in this case). 2 days in ICU. Another 2 in regular room and by Friday in a rehab facility to get strength/confidence back. Hopefully this is a short stay as my sister can’t wait to have her back in her home.
Isn’t she cute? She has some work ahead of her, but outcome is good.
Again, so many emotions all in one week.
All this emotion gets you thinking what does everything mean. I’ve had these conversations/thoughts before. I am having them again.
I admit that I have a problem with balance. It might be one of the things that works in my favor when it comes to getting shit done. It also might be one of the things that works against me when it comes to getting shit done. The all or nothing approach comes at a cost.
We can’t start eating healthy because it’s just to hard to give everything up.
We can’t start working out because we don’t have time to commit
We can’t because of this or that or this or that……
But what if instead of thinking we have to commit 110% percent…… What if we just realized that just doing something is better than doing nothing.
What if instead of going gang busters on a new diet plan that we know long term we won’t stick to, we decide that we look at where and how we can make even what might appear to be small changes?
What if instead of waking up at 5:00 AM (you know I’m never doing that) to squeeze in our workout/run in, we just look at what we can do and give that time..
What if instead of thinking that we need to run as fast as we can for what we deem is necessary distance, we just decide to give what we are able to give.
What if instead of sitting on the couch binging Yellowstone (highly recommend), we do it from the treadmill or stationary bike?
There are ways to make what might appear to be small changes….. some might even say insignificant changes……. in a way that are not only sustainable but together can bring big change.
Here is the bottom line…… If you continue to do the same thing, nothing changes. If you start with small changes over time, they will lead to big changes.
So start where you are!
Do what you can!
Most of all be kind to yourself in the process, because you are worth it:)