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Showing Up

Mar29

We show up for work. We show up for school. We show up for our friends, for all our responsibilities and we show up for so many things that we don’t even want to but feel we need to. We show up for everyone and everything else that often we forget to show up for ourselves.

Wait what????

We forget to show up for ourselves by letting people treat us wrong for too long. For not standing up for ourselves. For constantly putting the to do list before ourselves. No don’t get me wrong, there are times where it is pertinent and necessary for others and our to do list to come first. The problem is we often make that a pattern. We often make that the norm. We often say I need to do this, this, and this first. Then I will take care of myself

STOP THAT!

I realized that part of my issue with getting back on track is that before I would do a work out, before I would plan for my meals, before I would take care of myself; I felt I needed to take care of everything else. That everything else list has and always will be long long… Long… And never ending

I’m working towards my CDA. Lots of time there.

I started a home baking business and often have orders

I have a job outside the home that I am required to show up for.

I have a home and family that requires tending

Here’s the thing, though… I never put myself on the list or at the top of the list recently. And if I’m not on the list, then I’m not a priority. The things that I need to do for me are not getting done. I make sure everyone else in my home is taken care of up to, and including my pets. I forgot about me

Wow, many things on my to do list need to be done. There is still time in the day for me though. It will require planning/. It will require prioritizing. Most of all it will require knowing that I should….. No, that I need to be on the list as well!! So with that being said , I am making myself a priority. Yes cookies need to be baked, dinners need to be made and jobs need to be done, but there is still time for me.

Do you make time for you? So many of us especially mothers are used to putting everyone and everything before us but when the pattern does not allow for any time, there is a problem.

Since I have started putting myself on the list……

Workouts are getting done

My own meal planning is getting priority (loving meal service).

Feeling better and actually less stressed

How do you show up for yourself?

How Did I Get Here?

Mar23

I’m taking a stroll down memory lane as I have some new followers and people new to my journey. So I just want to take a stroll down memory lane as I feel like I am finally in a place of true acceptance, understanding and most of all hope! Yes, hope…..

When I first was told that I needed to have my thyroid removed due to a number of large nodules, I literally thought it was going to be a blip on the radar. I knew many people who had their thyroid out without any problems. My surgeon made it sound easy peasy lemon squeezy. He said the biggest complication might be to have to take extra calcium supplements. So no biggy. I was not concerned. My biggest concern was scheduling it around my racing and training schedule. I purposely scheduled it two weeks after running the 2016 NYC Marathon. I was training for a 4:30 but blew it running the first half like there wasn’t a second half. That is and was a whole different post. LOL…

Anywho….

After the surgery, we realized by not just my calcium levels but also the severe tetany that something was off. So I was diagnosed with Hypoparathyroidism and so the journey began. At the time, my whole focus was keeping my life, my running, and everything the way it was prior to surgery. I didn’t want to make any concessions. I didn’t want anything too change and I wanted to keep doing what I was doing. I wanted life to be like the surgeon told me and just have to take some extra calcium and go about my business. Period. End of Story…. Or so I thought.

At the time, I was seeing and endocrinologist who also had this same mindset. He just looked at Serum (blood) calcium levels and called it a day. It worked. It probably would still be working, but there would have been consequences. There was no running other tests to see how all that calcium and Calcitriol was affecting my body. There was just, your calcium levels are good and call it a day. But the “problem” was that I did my own research. I found the Hypopara Association and learned because you know you only have one body. What I learned of scared me. So I found a doctor who was not only well versed in Hypopara, but so well versed that she runs FDA studies and is known in Hypopara community. So things changed.

So in 2018, I saw this specialist who was concerned especially after running a 24 hour urine calcium test and it was 578. Normal level is 200 and for Hypopara, she said 300 in good. This high level can lead to lots of issues and non of them good especially for the kidneys. So we adjusted both calcium intake and lowered cacitriol too, This brought my serum calcium levels down to the low 8’s which is makes me live in the low calcium zone. The trick is to keep it just in the sweet spot. Really fun without a home monitoring test, but that is a different story.

There was a blip where I was on Natpara, a hormone replacement therapy. When I was on that for 6 months, life was good. Both serum and urine calcium levels were good. I felt good. I felt like me. It was a thing of beauty… Right up until it was recalled. The medicine worked just as intended but the issue was with dispensing mehanism which is what made the recall so frustrating to to those of us who knew it’s worth. Not much to do but roll with it.

Anyway, here we are years later. I’ve learned so much. What I’ve learned and finally come to terms with……. I can run faster. I can run longer distances. I can do so much, but to me for now I realized that the tradeoff of adding the extra calcium is no longer something I am willing to do. My urine calcium levels are still high even with lower serum calcium levels. They are not nearly as high as they used to be and I am “happy” with that. I just realized that long-term impact on my body is not worth pushing for short term gain. That is why as much a I would love to train and run another marathon, it is no longer in the card till another hormone replacement therapy is available. It is just not what my body needs. Besides, I am hopeful as there are new treatments on the horizone.

Besides, my body even at this level can do amazing things! This year, I have decided to do an event a month. Nothing longer than a 10K but probably going to be mostly 5 K’s. I am lucky. I am finally content….. Most of all, I am still moving!!!

Middle of the Road

Feb16

Showing up for ourselves seems easy enough, yet might be the hardest thing we do in our lives. We always make space for everyone else – For what we need to do for them……. What they need…….. What we can do to make the happy…….. on and on the list goes of what we will and can do for others.

Here is a news flash…….

Not only is it ok to show up for ourselves. Not only is it a necessity, but it should be at the top of the list not the bottom!

Today I had my meeting with my nutritionist. I will admit it, I thought not only more than once but up until I logged into my video appointment of cancelling. I had several very good reasons why cancelling (ok not good, but really good excuses). They all made sense from what does it matter to I haven’t done any of the things I was supposed this last month. I also admit that the only reason I showed up was not for myself but because I figured if I cancelled last minute I would still (rightfully) be charged for the appointment.

So I begrudgingly showed up.

It was the right thing to do mostly for myself even if that wasn’t what propelled me to log in.

I honestly told her that I almost didn’t show up because I wasn’t in the right space and didn’t know if anything we had been doing was even making a difference and worth it…… She’s good and we talked through it. I left in a much better thought pattern than I went in with. She also has my number more than I realized.

In talking to her, she pointed out that I am an all or nothing person. She was like that is wonderful on one hand because it propels you to run marathons and do amazing thing, but the flip side is not as good. So the goal this month is to try and be middle of the road and know that it is 100% ok to be middle of the road! Focus on what I can do. What is in my control. So maybe for right now I am not training the way I used to be, but that doesn’t mean that I need to be stationary. Middle of the road…….

I walked away with a focus for the next month not just on my nutrition goals but also on movement goals. Baby steps on both.

Nutrition….. I have breakfast down with my smoothies (yup, still do them). We are not focussing on actual goals this month as far as numbers of proteins vs carb and such. The focus is just to show up. To think about what I can do to meet my meal goals and how to get there. So by focusing on dinner, that might carry over to lunch as I am going to make extra portions to possibly utilize for lunches. I am also going to look into meal prep services to help get me back on track just being cautious of sodium. But one step at a time…. Which leads to movement

Right now my body is constantly sore. Legs often feel like they have done much more than they actually have done….. so lets take a step back. Slow down. Do something daily either a walk, stretching, but something every day. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing….. it can be middle of the road.

So here is to finding the middle of the road and realizing that it is a good space to be

Lastly I am going to send her my latest labs, so she can do some research to see if she can be of better service with nutritional needs. Told you she was good:)

Am I Ready?

Oct12

I’ve been trying to answer this question. To see where I am. What my body can do. What mentally I am prepared to do. I think I have the answer.

Am I ready to run a virtual NYC Marathon?

Hell no.

Am I ready to complete 26.2 miles for Sandy Hook Promise for a NYC Virtual Marathon?

Yes…. With in reason

I need to be smart. I need to be reasonable and most of all…… I need to check the ego.

This past Sunday, I went out with one agenda. Ok maybe 2. To plan my route which will consistent of “loops” from a local park. I am hoping to have people join me for parts of the “race” and thought this would be a great way to do it. There will be loops in the park going out to longer loop leaving park. This way some can come for shorter or longer distances. I went with no pace plan. No time frame. No nothing. Just the loops and to hit 13 miles.

I did it.

Not too shabby either

How you ask?

By not being an idiot. Ok, anymore of an idiot than thinking of finishing a marathon. I walked. I ran slowly. I walked. I stopped at my car at end of first loop. I stopped to rub feet. I refuled. I took my time. I had no… I need to be faster. I need to hit this pace. I should blah, blah, blah

I just did it

I did it knowing that I could do it. I did it knowing that I could do more. I did it knowing that my body has done this again. I did this with the thought never again….. but maybe I just mean a virtual. Most of all I did this knowing that honestly there will come a day that I can’t do this, but (blank) no, that day is not today. So I will do this.

It will be hard. My feet will hurt. My hands will swell. I will be tired. I most definitely will be sore. I will be slow. I will like every marathon question my wisdom, BUT I PLAN TO FINISH WHAT I SET OUT TO DO!

So the date is set, October 22.

The time is set…. Starting at 8:30

The pace is what it will be.

The reason is clear……… I am running for Sandy Hook Promise and the promise of a better day for our children.

https://fundraisers.hakuapp.com/christine-chaillet-1

Just Doing My Best

Sep29

I wake up tired.

I am tired all day.

I fall asleep on the couch…..tired

I don’t always sleep well in bed though.

Could be age. You know having to get up for the bathroom.

Could be damn Cpap machine that gurgles, hisses and is stuck on my head.

Could be the hypopara muscle aches and all the fun that goes with it.

Could be mind spinning and spinning.

Who knows. Sleep is a mysterious thing which is why I assume there are so many books about it. That being said, all this tiredness makes for an unmotivated not moving as much as I should be person.. All I know is that I am not alone in my struggle. The struggle is real and so many of us go through it.

i will be honest too…… Staying on track is hard. Staying motivated may be even harder. The why bother it never works devil is real. The does it really make a difference voice is loud. The does it even matter whispers are shouts. What is the point is the biggest struggle. Round and round and round it goes till you are paralysed into doing nothing.

nothing.

nothing

nothing.

No plan.

No blogging to keep yourself honest.

No coming up with goals but finding so many excuses.

Now here me out……… Some of these “excuses” are vaild. Many of them are real making what feels like an impossible situation like climbing a mountain without gear. I often forget though…..

I can do hard things!

I have done hard things.

Now the question I have to seriously start asking though…….

Do I want to do them?

What is the benefit of doing them? What is the detriment of not doing them? And the absolute hardest question….. Why am I afraid of doing them? Of making a plan…… of sticking to it…. Of being willing to falter….. of doing something even if I am the only one who cares that I am doing it?

The truth boils down to….. Fear of failure. Fear of stating that something I strive for might be out of reach…. We don’t stop growing because we fail, we stop growing because we stop trying.

I, once again, might be ready to face reality and try. There are some truths to. I have medical condition that makes trying harder some days them others. I am a home baker. There will be snacks but I can adjust. I am a middle age woman with the metabolism of a dead person. I need to move more and make excuses. I need to at the very least try.

Goal #1

I need to eat healthier.

Goal # 2

I need to move in a more constent manner and come up with a plan.

Goal # 3

I need to make myself accountable. For me that will mean documenting it all. The struggles. The small (and hopefully) big victories and just be real that it isn’t always going to work. So I need to adjust and not give up.

While this morning, I did weigh myself and take measurements, weight is not the goal. More importantly, the numbers that I need to improve…. Cholesterol, calcium, kidney function and the rest will work itself out.

so here is to trying!

Holding Yourself Back

Sep6

In trying to figure out. Trying to come up with a plan. Trying to put the pieces together when I always feel like one is missing. Trying… Trying… Trying……One day I might know until then, keep working on –

How to move forward….

How to get back and stay on track…. (Does anyone ever stay on track?).

How to reach goals that I have been putting off setting….. ( Because if you set a goal, then that means you have to make a plan. If you make a plan, then you need to be accountable for following that plan)

I realized something…….. Once again, I was putting myself in a holding pattern.

Hear me out……..

I realize that once again I’ve been living in fear. I’ve been waiting for the shoe to drop. Funny thing is once started to drop, I realized that while there is a lot that I have no control of that by pretending the future is now that I am missing the present.

Point one…..

When you have Hypoparathyroidism, you have to usually take boat loads of calcium, prescription forms of Vitamin D on top of other things. Anywho…. As I’ve mentioned before, this is hard on the body. Kidneys especially. I’ve had high levels of calcium in urine which is not good. I’ve had some things indicating that maybe this was heading where I didn’t want it to go. I’ve also been lucky not to have had kidney stones and other issues, but it was always there in back of my mind.

Waiting

Waiting

Waiting

Get some results back and shows that my eGFR rate is dropping. 2 years after being Hypopara it was 73 (still in normal range) but enough that I worried about my kidney health which made me feel like I was being a hypochondriac. Guess I wasn’t because now 6 years in my eGFR has continued to drop 56 which is out of normal range and indicates that kidneys are not working properly otherwise known as CKD. As a side note, for a woman my age it should be in 90’s. So not great but not as bad as it could be!

Now the thing is doctors don’t seem overly concerned at this stage, but I am. You know, you only have one body thing. Also might be reason to switch to a nephrologist who doesn’t wait for things to get bad before thinking it’s a big deal. Anyway, these numbers while not great also were the wake up call that I needed to realize that…..

EVERYTHING IS NOT OUT OF MY HANDS!

  1. Being overweight is not good for many things including kidney health. Now, there was a time when I could say that my extra weight wasn’t effecting my health and at the time that was true; but that is no longer the case.
  2. My nutrition could be better. I’m not talking about nutrition to loose weight. I am talking about making sure that I am eating the right foods. Getting the right proteins, carbs, healthy fats.
  3. There might come a day where I can’t do the things that I want, but I am not even close to being there now or in the near future!

so what to do….. what to do……

Well one and two go together. While I’ve met in the past with a functional nutritionist , this time I wanted to meet with someone who focused on kidney health. I found a Registered Dietitian with all the right credentials who among other things works with endocrine, kidney and weight loss issues. (All the boxes and then some checked).

I could (not easily) go on a diet to loose weight but if it is not the right diet for my health than loosing the weight means nothing. Last time I dropped a decent amount of weight it was between son 2 & 3. I did it with the South Beach Diet which is very much not the type of diet I should use now. My goal is not so much the weight loss but finding the right diet for kidneys and hypoparathyroidism. Loosing 20 pounds would be the bonus and one I am now actively working on.

My goal though is to change my numbers around as it’s early enough to do that and if I can’t turn them around, slow them the (beep) down!

So with all of that weighing on my mind, I’ve been acting like I am already at the point where I can’t run anymore. Now that’s just crazy talk…… Like Serious crazy talk……. Maybe…. Maybe…. Maybe….. one day, but not yet.

Now I know that just with Hypopara, my running has changed but I’ve been getting it done. I’ve been doing what I can but I’ve been holding back because I was waiting for what I don’t know. Kind of like when you put off cleaning out your closet because you just don’t want to deal with it. Then you realize that once you start tackling it, it’s not so bad.

So it’s not so bad!

Plus I’ve been training for my triathlon. I’m not trained trained. I feel like I never am anymore. What I am is trained enough to know that I will make it out of the water and still be able to bike and while not run, will be able to at least walk to the finish line.

oh did I mention that event is 12 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Becoming Stationary

Aug3

Often you don’t know you are moving forward till you look back. Only then can you see how far you have come. Sometimes though, you might not see how far you have come but realize that instead…… you are in the same place. That nothing has changed. That while you thought you were moving forward but that you realize that you didn’t do the things you thought you were doing. That you have been stationary or worse thinking you were going forward but on a treadmill not really going anywhere

That you have just been going through the motions.

Questions being asked……

Am I blogger?

Based on my current blogging history, maybe not. Does anyone still even read this? I’m not sure. If you do, feel free to comment and say Hi:). I feel like I haven’t had much to say. If I can’t motivate myself, why would anyone want to read about an unmotivated runner.

Am I a runner?

Why is this always such a hard question to answer? It really shouldn’t be since I’m kind of (yes, I said that) training for the virtual NYC marathon. I also have run several 5K’s and 2 half marathons this year…. Yet, yet, yet….. somehow I don’t feel like a runner anymore which really doesn’t make sense. If you run, you are a runner. I know that mentally but somehow in my heart

It’s also funny because my kick ass 75 year old mother who this year battled a pulmonary embolism is back to running. She refuses to call herself a runner which annoys me. She is constantly saying, I am just jogging. I’m not a runner like you. She is running usually at a 16 minute plus pace but she is out there getting it done. She is running. Plus as previously mentioned, she is 75!!! She is putting me to shame with her drive. I keep telling her that she needs to give her body a chance to recover. I would bet that she has logged more miles this year than me. 6 miles here. 4 there. Day after day. Yet she doesn’t see it. I do though and while she says I motivate her, she motivates me.

oh, and as I’ve mentioned before all these miles she is putting in are on her street. Back and forth she goes. With her new water belt and tracking on her watch. She is a true bad ass.

So with that inspiration, I know that if she can start running in her 70’s, Continue to run after literally almost dying, continuing to run to the point where I tell her to give it a rest, then maybe just maybe I should take my head out of my ass and get moving.

In November, I will be completing the NYC virtual marathon. This will be my 10th marathon. I know my marathon times have gotten slower, but I’m still out there. Still plugging away. Even though training is different, I am still training. My body is different, but for now it is still capable. Oh, and I am also training to compete a Sprint Tri. Isn’t that enough?

I realize though that it is not just me because in a running group someone new posted about being a “casual runner.” I think we all do that and we all need to stop. If you lace up your shoes, you are a runner. Stop. Full Stop.

We need to stop comparing ourselves to others, to our younger self and realize that we are all just doing the best we can on any given day.

PS – The summer heat is not helping!

Been a Minute

Jul9

So my last post about unmotivated seemed to start my summer theme, but…..

It’s been a minute and I thought I would re-introduce myself and my new motivation.

Hello there!

My name is Christine and I think I am a runner?

I think….

But I am also a home baker busy with my new Cottage Food Baking business. Baking, researching, practicing, plotting.

I also work part time outside the home at a child care center. If you have ever worked with 3 year olds, you know that it is exhausting in a fun kids are too cute way.

I am also a home maker. Although 1 of my boys is a college graduate this past June and now in the work force, I still have one more college student at home and a High School student.

I also have Hypoparathyroidism which makes everything a balancing act.

I love to garden.

I am a busy, busy, bee….

I am also a blogger? At least think I am. I’ve written many a blog posts in my mind never to have actually made it to WordPress. I hope to change that. I hope to change a lot of things. So with that let’s catch up!

Although I haven’t been blogging or training, I have actually been moving (somewhat). I’ve been pretraining training. For what you ask.

I am running the NYC Virtual Marathon for Sandy Hook Promise. Those of you here a while know that I had made it to the in person marathon team for the 3rd time, but this year gave my spot up for a few reasons. I was at peace with that. Then Uvalde and I wanted back in. So I am now ”running” and raising money for Sandy Hook Promise as part of a virtual marathon team. Even though it will still be 26.2 miles, the pressure is off.

You can support my fundraising efforts here – https://fundraisers.hakuapp.com/christine-chaillet-1?fbclid=IwAR02hdj0avNFAMl3Ygl6bfu77vtYo03Sr0bSttsji_YwetlCUFZMB5BUMVc

Now before entering to do the virtual marathon, I had already signed up to do a Sprint Triathlon. This is one that I have never done, but have wanted to do. Sprint Triathlons have a special place in my heart as my very first race was a Sprint Triathlon – The NJ Iron Girl.

This was the race that started my crazy journey. That I started blogging to share my progress. That motivated me to run and made me realize that I actually like running. That got me where I am today because I cross trained and liked it which is the main reason I liked the idea of jumping back into a tri. Although I do not enjoy the swim as much as others. The swim will be in the bay at LBI. It also requires training. I always say with a tri…. The bike, you can coast. The run, you can walk, but the swim….. you will drown. Not really because they always have safety measures, but you get it.

So I have been pre training. I’ve been doing some biking. Still running sporadically, but really no swimming except some laps at the summer pool. This will all change next week…….

Because my training plan will officially start and I will be off the couch and out the door!

Unmotivated and I know it!

Jun16

Why is it so hard to get your shit together, but so easy for it all to fall apart?

I’ve been plugging along. Seems like what I do. Just enough to keep moving. Just enough when things fall apart to use the excuse that I’m not prepared. Just enough to still get out the door, but not enough to push the envelope.

Tuesday of this week, without training other than a run here and there, I ran a 5K in town. My plan was just to run it to see how I did and felt. I met a friend and her friend on the course. I ran the last 2 miles with them. I finished. I finished in a respectable time. I finished with a big sprint at the end. I finished pushing it, but knowing that I could have kept going (slower but still going) which is good because I’m running a 10K Saturday.

I think I need to go back to the fake it till you feel it mantra. I keep signing up to do things because I want to do the event, but training isn’t high on priority list. Seeing as I signed up for a Sprint Triathlon for September and don’t want to drown, I better get a plan together. Plus I decided to do another big fall event virtually which will require it’s own post….. until then, it’s really time to get going.

I think I’ve just been so unmotivated for multiple reasons. Dealing with pinched nerve in neck. Working… Baking….. unmotivated…. then even more unmotivated… finally extremely unmotivated.

What gives?

Al I keep going back to is if without training I can run a 5K in 35:11 and not die, what would happen if I actually got my head out of the sand and trained?

Hmmmmmm

Inquiring minds might actually want to find out

Money and Time

Feb25

Often when you read about how to be healthier or loose weight, it is all about food choices and exercise. Now OBVIOUSLY those two are what is necessary to maintain a healthy lifestyle, weight, and effect our health the most. What I keep finding though is that what is often missed in these discussions is the MONEY and the TIME it takes to eat healthy. Now studies have shown that obesity and poverty are associated. I am not going down that rabbit whole today. If you are uncertainty of that correlation, there are many valid peer reviewed studies on it.

This post is about me (as most of them are) and those that can relate. This is about those of us who do not fall into the above mentioned category of poverty but still struggle. Yes, it is diet and exercise. Yes, I can choose to have a healthy salad for lunch instead of quickly throwing together a PB&J sandwich or going through a drive through. I know that. I can eat a well balanced home cooked salmon dinner instead of ordering a pizza…….but I’m tired.

Let’s face it…. It is hard to eat healthy. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

Why? Oh why?

Yes….. It’s Money!!!

I have been starting my day off with a healthy smoothie for a while now. Do you know the cost of good fruit? Even frozen. Then you add in the yogurt, protein powders and such and it all adds up. And I am bot even talking about going organic because thats a rich mans game for family. And this is only breakfast. Why is a healthy salad or salmon dinner more expensive than picking up a burger or a bowl of pasta? Then we are not even getting into snacks……

Yes…… It’s Time!

We are all going a million directions where as they say time is money. I have my morning smoothie game down pat where it doesn’t take me a long time now but that being said, I also don’t have a 9 to 5 job. Luckily for me, I don’t go into work until 1:00 affording me time in the morning to have my smoothie and if I plan a healthy lunch. Dinner though is another thing when I am getting home tire at 6:30. It really is much easier and faster to throw something together processed and filled with carbs than cutting fresh ingredients. Also lets not forget that the fresh ingredients are more expensive. Honestly cooking healthy meals is more time consuming than opening a box and we can all agree with that

With all this being said…..

For me since my kids are older giving me more time……..

For me since I can afford to make the healthier choices without effecting my bottom line for the most part…

It honestly and 100% comes down to will. Some days I have it. Some days I don’t. Some days I am just tired. Some days I just want to spend time cooking a healthy meal Some days it’s a mixed bag much like my entire life.

Here is the thing too. I am not striving for perfection. I know I will go through cycles where I follow a plan and some days I won’t. I also know that in the end all I can do is make the best choices on any given day. Some days that will mean a instagram worthy smoothie, salad, or healthy dinner. Some days it will mean eating fries out of a bag while downing an impossible burger.

Balance…..

Because as I’ve said before – None of us are getting out of here alive and we need to stop beating ourselves up over things that don’t really matter.

Balance

Because I know that I am lucky to be able to do what I can

Tip for the day

Stop beating yourself up because there are enough people in the world that will do it for you. Be your own BFF and have your own back knowing that you are doing the best you can

AND THAT IS OK!