It is NOT a Number Game

When you are a fairly active person and you still are not a size 8, people automatically assume that it is your diet. Like everything in life…sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. And as always people should just never assume.

Even at my fittest which I would put about 2015/2016, I was according to all medical and fitness charts overweight.

Oh those Crossfit days…..

I would go in for yearly checkups and when the doctor would ask how active I was, I always felt like I got the side eye….. Yes, I am active. I do cross-training, I run all the time and even am training for a marathon. I actually changed doctors around this time because one told me that I should try having a protein shake for breakfast and a salad for lunch… blah..blah…blah.. She only looked at the numbers and not full picture. Luckily my current doctor is not tied to charts and scales. She takes into account all the other numbers which have always been good. Although I admit my cholesterol is starting to creep up (not to a point where I would need medication, but for me I see a pattern). That might just be genetics and age at this point too.

Anywho…… Here we are at a point where I am no longer at “my Peak” but I am still a fairly active person. I do have to remind myself that I do not to have to be as active as I used to be, but that I do need to keep moving which I have been (I will update on that another day).

So today, I was thinking about things as I was going about my workout. I am no longer a size 8 nor do I think it would be possible without changes I do not plan to implement because I do not find it necessary. Anyhow……. And maybe it’s just me and my insecurities…….. I sometimes feel like people don’t feel like you are really trying hard enough if your goal isn’t to “get in shape.” That you are eating nothing but chips, chocolate, and ice cream. They would be wrong.

Here is the thing….. I really am in shape. I’m a bigger shape maybe, but I am also a healthy shape. I also while I readily admit do treat myself, overall I eat a very healthy diet. I am a pescatarian, so I eat a lot of veggies. I eat a lot of healthy fish. Probably don’t drink as much water as I should but trying to get better. I realized this morning that I think I have been pescatarian now for about a year. There really was never a day where I threw down the gauntlet, but it was a gradual change that occurred during pandemic. The longer I ate this way, the more I enjoyed it. I can honestly say that I do not miss meat which my husband as he was grilling a porterhouse steak this past weekend could not understand how I was satisfied with my yummy grilled portabella mushrooms. I really was….100%.

So as I go about working on my fitness goals, I wish people would not assume that the reason I am doing what I am doing is because I feel that I need to fit a certain mold or size. And even though I might also admit that the extra weight might keep me from “peak performance” that is my weight to bear and not theirs.

So when you look at an athlete or ANYONE, we really should not make assumptions about them based on something that really is not anyone’s business. Believe me EVERY overweight person knows they are overweight but not every overweight person feels the same about it.

Lastly…… unless you are their doctor or trainer, it really isn’t your place to question it either.

Golden Jet

Let’s first start off with if you want a fun semi action comedy, Central Intelligence is funny. Maybe it’s because I like The Rock or maybe it’s because Kevin Hart is so funny, but it’s one of those movies if it’s on tv you watch it. Anywho…….

Right now I am waiting for my new running shoes to come and I am not running until they come. I haven’t really been paying attention to them and even though I kept saying that I needed to get a new pair, I never did. I also didn’t realize how far gone they were. I think not having actual races last year where I would pay better attention that I just let things slide.

Exhibit A

As I said last post, I am rethinking my training anyway. Plugging through my 80/20 training book, but I am also thinking of non running training. Back in the day (and I mean 2015), I loved not just Crossfit but Cross training. I did Crossfit. I biked. I swam. I did Yoga. I worked with a Personal Trainer. I did group classes. Then I ran and then I ran and ran and ran and stopped doing anything else. So as I ease back into my running and training, I want to keep the balance that I used to have. I want to keep the balance for a few reasons.

  1. “A woman my age” really needs to have balance.
  2. Not that I am going to be as fast or am training for speed, but my best runs overall were when I was more diversified in my training.
  3. My body could really do with the steady stretching of yoga
  4. I miss having good arms and I’ve recently been told by one of my 3 year old students that I have “squishy arms.”
  5. I actually like cross training when I think about it and admit it

So here we are, me trying to become a less rounded person by being more rounded. I have been using an app not on a regular basis, but plan to for cross training. They have a free version which is fabulous. Although I admit the free version constantly reminds you that they have a paid version. That being said they have a whole slew of workouts for everyone and every mood. From meditation to kickboxing to strength training to no equipment and the list goes on. Now in order for me to commit to it, today I decided to buy the year subscription. Honestly for thirty bucks it is still a steal. That used to be my monthly gym fee.

So today I was doing a weight training and a Tabata workout. I had everything here to make it an intense workout. As I was beginning the workout and the instructor was talking about what weights to use. I was ready to grab the bigger weights that we have. I was reliving my Golden Jet moments when I used to be able to bench press. I’m not sure if I have my training journals from back in the day, but I know my deadlift and chest press totals were impressive. So today, I was thinking go for the big weights.

Golden Jet

Golden Jet

Golden Jet

Luckily I remembered that he landed face first when trying to live his glory days. So I dialed it down a notch or two. Guess what? I had a kick ass workout at the intensity that I should be out. So here is to working on a new Golden Jet flip but one that I am actually in a position to land safely.

A Small Step is still a Step Foward

I used to always use the expression

I not only used it, but I meant it. Well what if now I’m not so bold. If I don’t want to go big? If I don’t want to go bold? Yes, I do like the thought of going home, but before doing that I do want to do some stuff.

I remember when I first started running races and my son who was much younger at the time asked me if I was going to win. After laughing, I told him that not only would I not win but I wouldn’t even be close to winning. He looked at me puzzled and asked then why would I even do it. As runners, we know that is a loaded question!

Anyway….. at the time my answer was about pushing myself to do hard things and such. I’m not really there and haven’t been for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I have been pushing myself to do hard things but the definition of hard has changed:)

So here is where I am………. Some days, I think…. I am going to get up and run. I am going to do xyz……. Then I don’t……. Then I beat myself up because I didn’t do xyz. You know that viscous cycle. That hamster wheal of shame. I want to get off the hampster wheal. I know that I don’t have the drive that I used to have. I don’t have it for many reasons. That being said, I am not ready to stop challenging myself.

This month will tell me a lot about what I want to do. It will give me some answers to is everything I’ve been fealing hypopara related. I’m going for a sleep study as there is a distinct possibility that some of my exhaustion might be due to sleep apnea. Like literally this morning after a full night sleep I woke up exhausted as did hubby due to my snoring. So we will see where that takes us. I am also doing my 24 hour urine test. If things look good, I would like to up my calcium as I am also tired of living in the low to under calcium levels. Plus as I do more physically, I also need to take more calcium. Your body uses more calcium too, but since your body regulates it you don’t even notice.

What I am thinking for this month is just reset number 1 million and 10. I have been reading the 80/20 training method and before I start it, I probably should finish the book but it seems promising. I also would like to start using all those weights that have been getting dusty. I know I am past my crossfit days, but I really do enjoy training with weights. Plus as they say…. A woman your age should strength train even if my days of massive weights are gone. I would like to do something every day….. Be it a mile walk, biking, yoga, strength training. I think mentally it will be good fo me. Plus I do know that physically it would be good too.

I think though, I am going to give myself some flexibility and lots of slack. Just small goals. No go big or go home goals. Just do something good for yourself and go home:). Small steps eventually get you to the end of the road too!

If ever you have suffered from depression, you learn that sometimes small steps will help you….. Get out of bed. Take a shower. Household chores…. Going to work……. Just going through the motions. Those that have suffered know that these small steps help them to get to a place where they can take the bigger step of dealing with it. Sometimes life really is about fake it till you feel it. And while I am not currently dealing with depression, I am going to utilize this same strategy to get me to the next step.

Waiting is the Hardest Part

We all know the expression…….

Good things come to those that wait

But what if we are tired of waiting? What if we have no patience? What if it comes in the wrong package? The wrong size? The wrong XYZ?

As a baker and gardener, I know the importance of waiting.

Waiting for the dough to rise….

Waiting for the cake to cool before icing.

Waiting for the marshmallows to set.

Waiting….

Waiting…..

Waiting……..

As a gardener, I also know the importance of putting in the work and waiting. Planting in the fall. Months and months go by and nothing. Seeing the buds grow in the the Spring. Patience and waiting for finally a full bloom.

So with all that being said, it’s not like I don’t have patience. That I don’t know that really good things do come to those that wait even if it might not be as expected.

I will wait for baked goods.

I will wait for flowers.

I will even wait for family, friends, kids and on and on the list goes….

So why am I so impatient with myself?

Why do I expect results immediately? Why do after just a brief amount of time do I stop waiting, maybe give up, change plans, and move on to something else? The self fulfilling prophecies. Maybe it’s time to learn a little more patience.

Remember that Feeling

Remember as a kid, you did things just to do them. Remember that feeling of just doing nothing and being content with it. Remember when you were younger going out with your friends for no reason with no destination, but just to drive and listen to music. Remember the days where you didn’t feel like you needed a purpose, destination, or challenge?

Today my hubby and I took a drive to a Garden Center to pick up a tree to replace one that didn’t survive the harsh winter. As we were driving, I was looking at the well manicured lawns, the not so well manicured lawns, and the “natural lawns.” Personally I enjoy the more natural looking yards from the “well manicured” pristine lawns. The well manicured to me are just fighting for perfection that was never meant to be nor natural…… Plus they are a lot of work. Although I have a mix of a well manicured and natural looking gardens and it is definitely not less work

Anywho…… What do these things have in common.

They are all about control.

When we were younger, we just let things take their course. Whatever happened happened. Then as we grew up had responsibilities , we needed to start taking control. We had to take control of schedules, budgets, other people, on and on the list went. Everything needed to be managed. Everything needed to be planned. We needed goals. We needed challenges. Everything was about finding our purpose. Finding our bliss. Even that became something to plan. Sometimes we found it. Sometimes we didn’t, but in the search we realized that sometimes it’s ok not to have a plan.

Some of my fondest memories from when I was younger was just hanging out with my friends. Times when we weren’t doing anything. Just hanging out on the beach. Going for a drive/walk. It wasn’t about reaching a destination, but about just the moment.

Since I started running, I’ve always been goal oriented even when trying not to be. Goals to hit a certain pace, distance, event, miles. Even when I was regularly practicing yoga it became about challenging myself to practice for a certain number of days or attain a certain pose. It wasn’t about just being.

I am trying to learn how to just be. To allow my running to be about nothing more nothing less than just about the running. No challenges. No paces. No distances.

Since new CDC guidelines I have met two friends for two different runs/walks. One friend we just walked and talked. One friend does the Jeff Galloway run/walk program, so we did that. Both of these started with much needed hugs as I haven’t seen either of them for a long time. (Sidebar – it felt really great to hug them). Anyway, I enjoyed both of these get togethers tremendously.

I always say that I need a purpose/challenge to get me out the door running. I want my purpose for now simply to be about the running. The meeting up with friends again. Friends who if I can run their pace, I will run their pace. Friends who might need to slow down to run my pace. Running by myself, just because I want to go for a run not because I need to go for a run.

Doesn’t that sound wrong? Ha! We are so trained that we always need to be working on something, to be improving something, to be striving for something that somehow the thought of just saying that I am not actively working, training, or planning anything seems like I am doing something wrong when for me it seems like I am doing something right and that is enough.

For now….

Season of Our Life

After my last post, Olderrunner2 commented about “different stages of our life.” It reminded me of something my Mother ALWAYS said and still says about “The Seasons of her life.” She has used this espression for as long as I could remember. To be honest, I always found it somewhat annoying especially because often it was comparing which seasons we were in and her missing where I was at. When you are in midst of a harsh winter (think when you have 3 boys under the age of 6, you are only thinking about Spring). She would say to me, “Well I am at a different Season. You are in best Season of your life. While we obviously in different seasons, I’m not sure there is a best just different.

To be honest though, I never really got what she was saying and because we always were talking about her season, I never really thought about how mine would change. I never really got it.

I think I am starting to.

I always talk about the only real constant in life is change. That being said, I often think about it in small terms…. Not the season of life terms. Sometimes you think you are ready for all the changes, only to realize that you didn’t understand what was changing. Not that change is bad, but that you weren’t 100% prepared for it.

I think that is where I am now. Why I have been blowing in the breeze a bit. It is time to start thinking about what season that I am in now and prepare for it.

Stay tuned……..

Blowing in the Breeze

I used to want to be a badass. I used to want it. Train for it. I used to want to push myself to and past my limits. There were no limits. There was only not working hard enough. Not pushing hard enough.

To Train

To Train hard

To be at “the top of my game.”

Now……. Let me be clear……… There is NOTHING wrong with that mentality. I get it. I’ve been there. I might get there again. Who knows. I know though…… I am not nor have I been there in a long time. I’ve been swaying in the breeze…. Ever so gently just seeing where I might land.

To be honest, I am not sure where I am right now. I just know it is not the balls to the wall give it all you got place right now. I have no desire to train hard. Most days I might not even have any desire to train. There is no wake up at the crack of dawn to squeeze a run in. There is no going out at night to make sure to hit my miles.

There is just going with the flow. I know that there are many reasons for this change besides being hypopara which may have been the catalyst for change, but change is inevitable anyway. I just don’t have the same drive. I don’t have the same commitment. I don’t have my running crew as we all are in different places. We trained together. We ran together. We raced together. Most of all running was about more than running.

So as with life, things change. People move. Peoples schedules change. Goals change…..

What many runners know too is that without in person events, it just isn’t the same. I often think to when I was growing up our family Minister was a runner. Something he picked up in the service. He went out for runs just to run. This was well before running became mainstream. I thought I had that mindset, but I realize that while I do love running I can’t wait to be at a starting line again. That being said, I am also not in a rush because I want to also do it safely. The thought of a major event (if any are even coming) brings on a bit of a panic attack. Like a serious one…… Not the OMG, she’s having a panic attack meme. Anyone else???? This pandemic has changed many of us in what we once never gave a second thought to, we will think long and hard about before diving in.

I have signed up for a trail race in October. While I don’t have time to train on trails like I used to this race is a friends favorite. Plus they required a waiver of proof of vaccination. I liked that. I respect that and things like that will go a long way to getting us back to normal even if it is a new normal.

Do You Know?

Do you know where you’re going to?

Do you like what life is showing you?

Do you know?

These are lyrics to a Diana Ross song from the 70’s.

Do you remember it?

This chorus has stuck with me. It’s been stuck in my head lately.

Last week a running friend lost her battle with cancer. She was a warrior. Not just in her battle with cancer but in life. She took on all the challenges that life gave her with a smile (and great nails)> Not only did she take on challenges, but she crushed them. She surpassed them and just embraced all that life offered and then some. We always talked about meeting up to run, but we never got around to it.

Besides her smile, what you would notice most about Melissa was her absolute joy for life. The way she embraced it. Pushed herself. Running marathons. Training. Pushing herself. Never complaining about the obsticles in her path and always looking for ways to overcome them. She truly was a warrior, but most of all she was a good human being. The world needs more people like her and she will be missed.

This same week, I had another friend have a very serious medical issue and we weren’t sure where things would go. It makes a person think.

Control is an illusion in life. We like to think that we are in charge of our destination, but we only control so much. We like to think that we can micromanage…. That our decisions determine the outcome…… That everything is in our power…… That is the lie we tell ourselves.

The bigger lie though is that nothing we do matters. We have no control, so see where the universe takes us kind of thing. Since everything is out of our control, we can just see where the chips fall and react and deal with things. Although as I’ve said before, sometimes how we react is more important than any plan we may have. That being said, while the bigger things in life our out of our control…. There is much in it.

Some people deal with lack of control by trying to micromanage. Trying to control everything. Some let it all blow in the wind. Most of us fall in between and sometimes sway between the two extremes. We do all of these things because the thought of having zero control is scary. More scary than any monster we can dream of or horror movie we can watch. (For the record, I don’t watch horror movies because I am a big chicken).

So I’ve been thinking……. What can I control? How can I get where I want to go if I am no longer sure where I want to go? I have a running blog right now without much running? I am on a fitness journey without much fitness. I am tired all the time and no amount of sleep can fix it. I wake up like grandma again thanks to no longer having my Natpara. I pop pills all day just to get to the end of the day (these are for my Hypoparthyroidism…. I do not have any other issues!) I need to reevaluate. I need to reassess. Most of all I need to actually stop floating along and actually think where I am going. Maybe if I do that I can get that song with the 70’s music out of my head.

Do you know where your going to?

https://youtu.be/Uf4P6rGMxWs

Tomorrow is Another Day

We don’t do this as often as we should. We don’t do this on a regular basis. Often we work against ourselves over and over again.

March I hit 100 miles and I thought….. Let’s keep this going. I thought that maybe for April that I would streak a minimum of a mile a day. Run at least 5 miles 3 times a week and maybe just keep plugging along. Well apparently, I don’t like to be told what to do even by myself. The streak lasted less than a week. I ended up with 41.5 miles for the month. Obviously not the month of running that I was anticipating or expected.

Oh well.

Like seriously….

Oh well.

We live in a You Only Live Once society. A grab a bull by the horns society. Let me say, I’ve been chased by a bull as a teen and no one wants to grab a bull by the horns. You run like Hell from it and wish you weren’t the slowest runner. I guess some things never change but that is a different story. Anyway….. We live in a do what feels good for today society and the Hell with tomorrow because tomorrow is another day and may never comes. It is all fun and games until reality comes crashing down you realize that YES, YOU DO ONLY LIVE ONCE AND IT IS TOO PRECIOUS TO WASTE.

YOLO sounds like a great life motto until you realize that you really do only have one life to live and it is too precious to waste. You need to care for it. You need to respect it. You do need to fill it with things that make you happy, but you also need to realize that tomorrow is another day and you need to be prepared for it.

I saw a car today that had a magnet that said, “Please be patient. Student Driver.” It got me thinking that it is sad that we have to remind people to be patient no matter the reason, but on top of that we need to remind ourselves to be patient with ourselves too.

I bounced back and am already at 20 miles for the month of May. I’ve been plugging along and running a lot of personal 5K’s. I have been running them on my treadmill. I’ve been running them outside. I’ve been walking. I’ve been running. I’ve been doing a mixture of both. I am getting my head back in the game. I am just figuring out which game it will be. I haven’t really been overthinking it which is my MO. Just going with the flow….. Let’s just see where that takes me.

One thing that I will say…… I miss racing. But for now…. For this week….. For today……. I will just run.

Best of the Best

Some days we strive to be the best of the best. Some days we strive to be the best version of ourselves. Some days we strive to just be. To just make it through to the end. To just get up. To shower. To go about our day and make it to the end. That is the goal. That is the plan. If we do so, then that is also a victory.

We don’t always need to be the top of our game. We don’t always need to be striving for the best. Sometimes we just need to be. Victories come in all forms of life. Some are big, huge victories. Some are victories that no one sees but we know that they are there just the same.

It is these victories that no one sees that are the most victorious. The small victories that no one cheers for that matter the most. Finishing a marathon is hard, but when you are out on the course with crowds cheering you on while not easy. It is harder to give up than to keep going. Getting up and out the door to train for that race is where the real marathon happens. Yet there are no finish lines to run through on a training run that you didn’t want to do. There is no crowd cheering you as you put your shoes on for a run that you might not have felt like doing. These small victories are what make the bigger victories possible.

Just like waking up, getting out of bed, showering and going about your days when all you want to do is hide under the covers, eat chocolate and not face the world is a victory. These are the moments that no one sees. They see you showing up, ready to face the world and have no idea what is behind the curtain. No idea what it might have taken you to get there.

This is a victory.

Every day someone who is suffering manages to do what they need to do to make it to the end of the day is a victory. The mom whose plate is overflowing, yet still manages to get done what needs to be done. The soul crushing moments where you just want to give up, but keep going. The parent of a sick child that puts on a happy face for that child but cries when alone. The person struggling with depression while everyone thinks that they are a happy go lucky person. The family dealing with illnesses. On and on and on…… We all know someone who fits one of these descriptions or maybe we are that family. It doesn’t matter because we all have something. We all have a curtain that only a few see behind.

I wish they got cheering crowds. I wish they could share these small victories for the world to high five them. I wish the world was ready for them to share these small victories without judgement. I wish they had cheering crowds to push them on and to let them know they are not alone. Often we cheer on silently, but wouldn’t it be awesome if they knew how much support they really had because often they might feel like the weight is on their shoulders alone.

Everyone wants to cross the finish line, but few know what went into getting there. Be it the finish line of a 5K, 10K, Half, Marathon or just life in general. It is not always easy. Actually it usually is never easy. It is often hard. There is grit, sweat and tears. Many times we feel like we are on our own, but the important thing is to remember that even at those times when we feel alone, we aren’t. We just have to remember that while only we can carry ourselves to the finish line, we have people cheering us silently even if we don’t know it. A true friend is always cheering for you in both big and small victories.

Many times we feel like our best isn’t good enough but our best is all we have to offer. So keep doing your best….. No matter what that best means on that given day!

Every person….. Every life… All you can do is what you can do on that given day. No more. No less.

Your best is good enough.

You are good enough.

Keep going!