All Is Not As it Seems

 

 

Still Plugging Along.    Still trying to figure it out.   One thing I’m trying to get a hold of is my Pace.   It is ALL over the place.   It is not reflected in the picture of my runs, but like peoples post’s on Facebook many times when you look a little closer everything isn’t as pretty as it seems.

Case in point.

This was last night’s run.   On face value it looks like a beautiful run.    Paces are on target.   I’ve got some nice negative splits going.   But when you look a little closer all is not as it seems.

This run started in the evening which on a normal day would mean that it was cooler.   Not so much right now.   It was still hot and the humidly was so thick that you could cut it.   This was supposed to be just an easy and slow run.    Started out accordingly.   Once I got out there, I knew due to the heat I more than likely do a walk/run.

Now I admit that I don’t follow the plan accordingly for the walk/run method.   Maybe I should.   Maybe I won’t.   One of the reasons is because I like to adjust my walk dependent upon the course.   I would much rather run down the hill than up it.   And I admit that part of me is digging my heals in a bit and really not wanting to embrace it.   Not because I don’t think it’s a valid plan or there is anything wrong with it.   It is 100% because it’s not a plan that I got to choose and was foisted upon me.

Heals dug in.

Not smart and I’m trying.   Oh so trying to get my head out of the neither region and realize that this is me.

So here is what the truth of my pretty split run.    I started out running.   Did some walking.   Then some running.   Then some walking.   Then some fast running trying to make up time.   Followed by heavy breathing and walking.    Pattern repeated.

This was not a smart run.   My paces bounced all over the pace.   I even sprinted at the end hitting a 7:39 pace.   That, I admit, was fun and felt good.    Not smart.   I need to be smarter.

Yes, this type of running will fly when running 3 miles and I might even be able to do it for a half.   But as everyone knows a Marathon is a whole different beast.   As those who have been here for a while remember, I hit the wall and I hit it hard at the NYCM by running the first half like I didn’t have the second half to run.  I even questioned Was It A Waste?  Not a smart race.   I was able to push through the wall and finish NY, but I honestly don’t know if my body could break through the wall if it hit it now.

I need to pull it all together.   I need to give up this dream that I’m still going to pull a 4:30 in Chicago.   Yes, it’s still there.   Come on, you know I’m an optimist.   I think this is what is my biggest problem is.  I keep hoping that some how my body will fix itself and things will work again like they did before.

  Plus I have forgotten how to hold a pace.  I used to be able to run beautiful cut-down runs holding my pace within 5 -10 seconds of set pace.  Practice makes perfect and I’m out of practice.   I think that if I went out yesterday and ran the whole 3 miles at a 11:45 pace or slower that I could have run more consistently.   Probably wouldn’t have needed to walk either.   It’s harder than it sounds.

Now before you say, leave your watch at home.   That’s not happening.   I’ve also set it to where I can’t see the pace and that doesn’t help.   This is just another step forward in the acceptance process of where I am and I’m still fighting it.   Just because I know it, does not make it an easier.

One Day at a Time.

One Run at a Time.

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Putting the Pieces back together

Humpty Dumpty sat on a Wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty together again.

 

I admit it, I’ve been feeling a little bit like Humpty for a while.   Say, since November 18th.    That being said, I have recently been coming to terms with my cracked shell and the realization that it’s up to me to put the pieces together again.   They might fit a little different, but that’s the way things go.

I’ve also realized thanks to the reminder of Training Peaks that I am now six weeks into my training.   They were also nice enough to point out that the Chicago Marathon is only twelve weeks away.    Time flies and I know it will be here before we know it.

I’ve been happy with my training recently.   I think it has something to do with the above realization.   Anyhow, I am (trying) to not beat myself up anymore and just roll with it.

You know what?

I’ve had some good runs recently.    Now my good runs to a front of the packer might make them scratch their head, but I’ve been happy and isn’t that enough?   Why yes, yes it is!

Case in point

Last night I went out for 7  miles.   I was comfy on the couch after a nice dinner, but forced myself to leave the mindless TV watching to go for my run.    It was bordering on becoming dark, so I suited up accordingly.    I forgot how nice it is to run at night when the streets are quiet and everyone is inside their house.   I went out knowing it would be a slow run.   Still trying to balance the walk/run thing and just figured that I would just let things take a natural progression.   Another plus is that once it got dark enough, I could NOT see my Garmin for pace.

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I ran just to run.

I ran for the miles

I ran just to enjoy the night.

I ran just to see how I would run.

Most of all, I allowed my mind just to focus on the run.

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Here are my paces and to be honest, I am actually very happy with them.

Once I hit my groove at mile 3 and after miles 4 I had negative splits.   Not bad considering that I wasn’t aiming for  them or thinking about pace.   I did consistently ask if “I needed to walk” or “If I wanted to walk.”   I found that last night I didn’t need to walk as much.   I think part of it was that I was having a good day, I was well hydrated, and I am slowly getting back to running mojo.   Either way, I will take a good run when I can get one.

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Yes, I am sore today and was much sorer last night than I should have been for 7 miles.   I’m noticing that it is my feet and my right quad that seem to be paying the price.   Going to see if I can squeeze in a massage this week and I really should foam roll more.

I’m also putting the pieces together for Chicago logistically speaking.    As soon as I realized that I got into Chicago, I did book a room for the day before the marathon and leaving the day after.   I’ve literally gotten into a car and driven home after running the Marine Corps Marathon and thought, “never again.”    I also figured that I would just see how things play out.   They seem to be playing out nicely:)

One of the other Moms in my Moms Run This Town group is also running Chicago.   We’ve started formulating a plan to fly to Chicago on Friday.   We can get a room near the airport for Friday night.   Then the next day move to the hotel room that I already have booked.  (Yes, I tried to see if I could add Friday onto my stay, but it was a no go).   Anyway, it is nice to know that we are in this together.   Plus she’s a sweetheart and it should be lots of fun!

I do so love it when a plan comes together and it finally seems like things are coming together for Chicago.

Plugging Along

‘m just plugging along in my training.   To be honest, I’m kind of doing a mish mash of things right now.   For the most part, I’m following a mileage plan with Training Peaks, but that’s about it.   I’m not doing any speed work. I’m not doing any cut-downs.   I’m not doing anything remotely pace related.   And even though I’m doing the walk/run method and bought the Jeff Galloway book, I’m not really following that either.    I’m kind of doing a little of this and a little of that.

Is this the best way to train for a marathon?

Probably not.

Am I going to change the way I’m training?

Probably not.

Why, you ask?

Because my goal is to just finish.

Yes, I admit, deep down I think to myself that I will get all my shit together and I’ll magically run a 4:30 or better.  Then I wake up and know that’s not happening.

Then there is a part of me that thinks that Chicago might just be my last marathon.  Yes, I know you’ve heard it before but I really mean it this time.   Really.  Seriously.   But I’m also not saying it won’t.   I just don’t know.   I will see how my body reacts.

What I do know is that I’m plugging away.    That I need keep moving just based on the way my pants are fitting.

I’m also excited by the fact that I have an appointment in September with an endocrinologist based out of Columbia Hospital in NY.    She is a doctor who is actually listed as a contributor to the Hypopara Association.   I’ve found lectures that she has given to other doctors teaching about Hypoparthyroidism.  When you have a disorder that only effects 60 to 70 thousand people in the United States, it is kind of hard to find someone local who knows the ins and outs of it.   I’m lucky enough to only live an hour or so outside the city, so I will do the commute for someone who gets it.    Plus I’ve had people tell me in a Hypopara group that on top of being a knowledgeable doctor who has studied this disease, she is also really nice.

So, yeah, I’m excited for this visit.   Who knows maybe she will say the other doctors are wrong and I don’t have it anymore.   (yeah, I know another far fetched thought).   Anyway, I do wish that I could have made the appointment earlier as I would have loved to asked her about how to handle things such as supplements, medicine levels, and calcium intake during training.    She seems to be worth the wait.

Unfortunately though it does seem that until then even that even though I do have a doctor, that I don’t have a doctor that gets it.   I, personally, don’t like the doses of Calcitriol he currently has me on but I’ll keep taking it as I’ve been stable.   Plus I’ve asked some pointed questions about tests recommended for people with hypopara to monitor kidney functions as problems can arise if doses and levels are not kept in check.  The response was basically that calcium levels are good so no worries.  I think that is much easier for him to say than me, but I’m just guessing.    I’m lucky to have found some great online information and groups that help sort things out.

Case in point….

I’ve been taking Magnesium supplements as part of my protocol.   I do think these supplements have been helpful as low magnesium levels effect calcium levels.  It’s amazing the things you learn about when you feel you have to even if it was never anything you ever had a desire to learn.

Fun Fact…  All supplements are not created equally.    Label reading is important for everyone but especially when taking supplements in high doses.   Did you know many supplements contain food coloring, additives, and such?   I didn’t until I started looking at the labels due to side effects.  Plus there are different types of supplements.   Calcium comes in many forms I have learned.   So does Magnesium.   I’ve been taking 800 mg of a High Potency Magnesium in a softgel form which has helped with the levels, but has caused some gastro issues to be delicate.   The side effects actually making it inadvisable to go for early training runs.    I’ve recently (like 2 days ago) switched to a Magnesium Glycinate which is a different form of magnesium that is all natural and per the label promises a no laxative effect.

In looking  the labels though it is clear which you would want to take for the long term:

High Potency Magnesium –  magnesium, medium chain triglycerides, gelatin, glycerin, water, soy lecithin, colors, yellow beeswax

Magnesium Glycinate – magnesium and vegetable capsule (plant cellulose)

Seems pretty clear which one would be best to take.

Anyhow…

What I am learning is that even when you think you are taking something that is good for you, you have to be careful.   I’m hoping this new magnesium will be better on my system while still helping keep my levels in check.

 

Lessons Learned

One of my favorite expression is about being kind to people.

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It is true too.   This expression should apply to everyone and everywhere, but we can take it to heart in our running.    Often times people will see someone running on the street, finishing a race at what some might consider “bad” or see someone who gives it all they have but never got the “runners body.”  I will admit all of those apply to me.    At my fastest, I could never hit the 4:30 marathon and this is not the shape people think of when they imagine a runner.   Yet, I am a runner.   I was then and I am now.

Philly Marathon

Case in point…. Me finishing my first marathon in Philly.   You don’t look at this and think, “wow she looks like a runner.”

Now I will say that the people in my inner circle do not think like that (myself included).   It’s just not who we are (we are the cheerleaders), but I will admit to sometimes having a mean girl moment or two.   I’m not perfect and never claimed to be, but I also know the truth of my favorite expression and try to embrace it.   That being said, it really is coming home to me now and maybe it is a much needed lesson.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve started using the run/walk method.   Now even though I have bought the Jeff Galloway marathon training book, I’m not fully embracing it.   Physically, it’s good.  Mentally, I’m having a hard time with it.   I want to run and I want to run like I used to.  I felt like I was just getting it together and reaching my potential.   I might get there again.   I might not.   Who knows?    Besides the hypopara issues, I’m not getting any younger.   Statistically speaking I might have already peaked.   Although I might not be too upset in 2 years when I hit the next age group that begins with a 5.

Sometimes we put so much internal pressure on ourselves just because we think that we should be doing something a certain way, we suck the joy right out of it.    I’m not there, but I could very easily let myself get there if not kept in check.    Really, it would be much easier to quit running.   The thing is that I like it.   I really do.   Just not so much in the moment:)

Here’s one other thing,  it would be easier to quit.   I know that.   I’ve thought about deferring Chicago but I honestly believe it I don’t do it this year that I never will.   Also I have a secret weapon pushing me along.

My youngest son has been doing Tae Kwon Do.   He’s fairly good at it.   He  has worked his way up to a red belt.   He now wants to quit.   His reason is that it isn’t fun anymore and boring.   Perfectly normal responses from a 10 year old.   Here’s the thing though.   When I dig a little deeper the truth that this wise mother see’s is that it isn’t as easy for him as it used to be.   He isn’t as confident going into a class with other red belts and higher than know the routines that he is trying to learn.    I get that.   So I am giving him a break for the summer, but I will push him back into it come September.

How can I push him if I don’t push myself?   Yes, it would be easier to let him quit but I know one day he might regret it.   Yes, I know that it would be easier if I quit but I know for a fact that I would regret it.

If not now, when?

As a parent our kids don’t always listen and sometimes even tune us out.   I know say it isn’t so, but it is true.    Anyway, they do pay attention to the things we do.   My family knows that my running isn’t as “easy” as it used to be.   My runs take longer than used to be.   I come home more tired and sweaty than I used to, but I’m still getting out there.   I may walk.   I may run.  But I am not giving up.   That is the lesson I want them to learn.    That is the lesson to learn.

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The Shadow of Fear

 

 

noun
noun: fear; plural noun: fears
  1. 1.
    an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

     

verb
verb: fear; 3rd person present: fears; past tense: feared; past participle: feared; gerund or present participle: fearing
  1. 1.
    be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

 

As humans fear is a normal emotion.   It’s a survival instinct.   Everyone has some fear and anyone who says they have no fears is either lying to themselves or you.    It is a necessary emotion……

To a point.

If allowed our fears can become bigger than the reality.   We create a boulder to carry when we should only be carrying  a pebble.     It happens before we even know it!   Once we realize the truth of our fears, we can chip away at that boulder and return it to it’s pebble size.   But in order to do that, we must admit our fear and face them.

I’ve realized that I’ve been living on the edge of fear lately and it’s been holding me back.    I’ve never been one to worry about the “What if’s in life.”   I’ve just kind of rolled with it.   Since my diagnosis, I’ve been fearful.   Fearful of a calcium crash.   Fearful that my calcium will spike.   Fearful of the side effects of the medications I must now take.    Fearful that I’m going to end up with kidney stones which is a common side effect.    Fearful that I’m in over my head since I still can’t seem to find a doctor that “gets it.”

Then there is the part of me that thinks I could just stop taking everything and that I’m perfectly fine.   I mean I look fine.   I actually feel good right now which also brings up fear as my levels are too good.   Yes, I know that sounds strange but it’s true.   There is a fine line.    Anyway even though my PTH levels indicate that as much as I’d like it to not to be true, my body just isn’t working right.   So in this case the fear of not taking my meds is a good thing.

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But fear can also be a bad thing.

Fear can be used to hold us back.

I can’t let the not knowing how my body and how my calcium levels will react hold me back.    Any runner/athlete on any given day can be sidelined by a whole host of things out of their control.   You can do everything right and still have a bad day.    You can’t live in the shadow of fear.

So today I am starting to chip away at that boulder.    As FDR said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”   It is with this thought that I went out on my 3 mile run last night.     I didn’t do anything stupid and push myself into paces that I couldn’t hold.    What I did though is say that I am going to run 3 miles and run the whole thing.  I reminded myself that I ran a half marathon only a few months ago and my levels were much lower than they are now.     This does not mean that I’m giving up on the walk/run method.    This just means that I’ve realized that out of fear I may not have been pushing myself to do things that I should push myself to do.

It’s time I started remembering that no one knows what their day will bring and start facing it accordingly.

For now, I choose to embrace a new meaning of fear and once again try to live my life accordingly.   It won’t be easy and I’ve still got baggage to deal with, but I’m going to try.

 

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Again

One day at a time.

One run at a time.

 

The Ungettable Get

Sometime we want things in life that we just can’t have.   Sometimes we want things in life that will never be.     Sometimes we are so busy looking backwards that we stop moving foward.

Sometimes…..

It is so easy to get bogged down in the would have, should haves, and could haves in life.

If only…..

Sometimes it is easier to stay in the mud because the thought of moving forward is scary.   I’ve said before that change while not always good is always inevitable.    Just because you know something is true doesn’t mean that you don’t stomp your feet, cross your arms, and scowl at the new normal.

Last week I ran a local 5K right here in my town.   I ran it last year and it was a fun race made even better by so many local faces both in the crowd and in the pack.   Plus it is a charity race with the proceeds going to good causes.   Last year I ran this race just to run it and run fast.    I pushed myself to a 26.26 finish.

This year, I knew I was not anywhere in shape to run like that but I still wanted to push myself.   I wanted one fast mile.    It was a hot night like last year, but I still went out with all I had.    I pushed my first mile to a 9:16 pace, but that was it I was out of gas after that.   In my mind, I knew it would be true, but in my heart I needed to see.    Mile two was an 11:44 pace and mile three I was able to pull in an 11:16 pace (thanks Jen!).    Finish time 33:49.

Here’s the thing.     I know my finish time wasn’t bad.  I know that I’m lucky to be running.    I know that I’ve got to build up again.    All that being said…..

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At the beginning of the race, I told my one friend that I was going to go out fast but that she would be passing me on the course.   She might of thought I was joking but I was dead serious and dead on.   She passed me around mile 2 by which point I was doing walk/run.   I ran with her and one of her friends.    I may have complained a bit.    One thing that I said that was so true is that “I’m not where I was, but I’m where I should be.”   I hate that it’s true, but I know it is.

Will I get to where I once was in my running?

Who knows.   Maybe

Does it matter if I’m never as fast of a middle of the Packer as I was before?

Not to anyone else and I need to let go of expectations.

Is it time to readjust my running goals?

You bet.

Who knows what will happen?

Not me.

  Maybe it is time to give my body  to adjust to this new normal.   Maybe it’s time to get back into running shape.   Maybe it’s past time to let go of expectations.

With that, I’m once again re-evaluating.   The wheels are turning.    I’ve been training for Chicago.   I’ve been getting runs in (for the most part).   I’ve also been walking as needed.    I’ve actually been toying with a run/walk marathon training.    You know what?   My average running time for my runs has been good.

Work  in progress.

As always…. Pushing forward.   Not giving up and doing what I need to do.

One day at a time.

One run at a time.

 

 

 

Be Where You Are

I’m not where I used to be.    A major part of me knows that is ok.   A small part of me is still coming to terms with it.   I really wish that I could shut that small part of me up, but it’s a work in progress.   I feel that right now everything is a work in progress but isn’t that everyone?   What was once easy is now difficult, but what was once impossible is now possible.   It’s all in the way you look at things.

Moving forward but not giving up.

I’ve said before that mentally I think that I need to run Chicago.    What I need to do though and I’ve said it before is adjust expectations.    Easier said than done, but I am getting better.

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Here’s the thing that I keep reminding myself and coming back to……

I’m not an elite athlete.   I’m not winning any medals except the medals that I earn just crossing the finish line.     I’m not a contender.    Running is not my job and I do not want to make it feel like it is my job either.   There is no hidden agenda in my running.

Here is what I am….

I am a Mama runner who just wants to run.    I want to be able to clear my head by going out for a run.   I want to be able to get a good workout in at the best of my ability.    I want to run with my friends.     I want to be healthy and running is something that both mentally and physically helps with that.

So I’m really trying to let go of where I used to be and hold onto where I am.    I also know that I am very lucky.   There are some people with calcium issues that can’t do anything physically without their calcium crashing.    I also know that I have to be smart with my training for Chicago.   I’ve got a lot going on and I’ve still got a lot to learn with how my body will deal with not just the training but the training in the heat.   It seems to effect me more now.   It’s a learning process.  As a friend a ran with today pointed out, I’ve got a lot of pieces that still need to be put together.

I’m trying to embrace being where I am at and I am very lucky to have a great support system of not just “running friends” but real friends who I happen to run with!    Today I went out with a friend for a few miles.   The weather is in the 80’s with 73% humidity.   With the humidity at those levels, it was brutal.   I did walk when I needed to which “is what it is.”    Even with walking, it was still a hard run.   It was still 6 miles and I still got it done.   And honestly it was overall still a good pace at 12:13.

We all know that running is a mental sport…. From talking ourselves out the door to pushing our bodies to make the impossible possible.    It (and I’ve said this before) is also accepting where you are on a given day and period in your life.   I am where I am today and that is enough.

It is enough…..

To get out the door

To run and to also walk.

To do the best that I can at a given day.

To accept that no matter what pace I’m running, it is enough.

To cut myself a break when needed and push myself when needed.

And most of all….That I am in competition with no one not even who I used to be.

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Putting My Heart Into It

Starting week 2 of Chicago Marathon training.   Another “easy” 3 miles.    Except today was HOT.   Very HOT!   So hot that my kids will have a half day from school due to excessive heat.    But I’m determined to follow the plan and today was 3 miles for the books.

I’m already learning and making changes after last weeks training.   First things first.

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I have to realize that even if I think it’s going to be easy, fill up my water bottles with Cal-ez.   Last week the three mile run that left me tingling, I thought I didn’t need it.   I was wrong.   This will be my “Don’t leave home without out it on a run” thing.

Seriously.

Today was much hotter that last week.   I was drenched in sweat but not a tingle in sight.   I did actually finish these three bottles on my run.   So for me it’s not just hydration that is important but calcium replenishment as well.   Too important to forget.

I also made another change today.   I realized when I was out on my run that even though I knew I was going to run slow, that I was looking at my pace a little too much.   So I changed my Garmin screen from pace to heart rain zone throwing pace out the window.  Putting my heart into it and taking my head out of it.

You know what?

I had a good run especially when you consider the heat!   I walked when my heart rate was inching up too high and shuffled at a slow run for most of the run.    This was what needed to be done.   Then I had the thought that this is really something that I should be doing right now anyway.   I can’t be training at the same paces that I did last year at least not yet.

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Even with the extremely hot weather, I think I still had a good run.   When I got home and downloaded my Garmin my average pace was 12:44 which is obviously where it needed to be.   In looking at my heart rate, I was in zone 4 for most of the run which is also kind of where I needed to be.   So this gave me food for thought.

What if for the next few runs, I don’t worry about pace and go by effort.   Hmmmm.   I’m thinking this is the way to go.    My normal paces that I trained with last year, I am not ready to train with them this year (yet).   Hmmm…

Let’s see how this plays out.

Great Expectations

A friend reached out to me after my last post which if you read this one, I really appreciated (so thanks).   She felt the need to send a hug my way.    In talking to her about doing Chicago this year, I said that even if I’m the last person to finish Chicago that I want to do it.   Her reply was accurate in that even if I “don’t do it (this year) it doesn’t make you any less of a runner.”

She’s right.

The problem is that I want it.   I think I need Chicago more mentally than anything else.   It is my way of literally giving the middle finger to this stupid thing call hypoparathyroidism.    I know very mature.

Although in chatting with my friend, others with the my issue, and giving some thought; I know it’s time (at least for now) to reevaluate my running expectations.    One of my goals as a runner has always been to run a full marathon without walking.   Even perfectly healthy, I was never able to accomplish.     I’ve also had a goal of running a 4:30 (and in the back of my mind faster) marathon.    But it is time to reevaluate my goals.   It’s time to be realistic of where I am today.   Right now.   Down the road, I might be able to get back to these goals but I need to make goals based on reality.

There are moments when I wonder why do I feel the need to push myself to do this.   Then there are moments when I wonder why wouldn’t I push myself to do this.   These thoughts are the same thoughts that I had previously.    These are thoughts that I think anyone who pushes themselves beyond their comfort zone gets.   And you know what I have said more than once…..

comfortzone-crop

Some people think that being a bad-ass runner means running 100 miles, running a marathon, running a half marathon, or running fast.   These are all great feats and a challenge to anyone who pursues them.

Here is the thing though…… Anyone can be a bad-ass.   It is about pushing your limits.   Pushing yourself to do what was once impossible for you and making it possible.

Everyone has to start from where they are and I must remember that I am not where I used to be and that is ok.  That doesn’t mean I will always be where I am today either.   There are people who have this disease and have completed Iron Man events.    I am also not the only one training Chicago with it either.    I am just new at it.   It will take time to learn what my body needs.

Nothing is impossible.

Someone in my online group posted the following

” Pushing your endurance is hard. However its painfully destructive with hypocalcemia BUT you feel so much better emotionally, physically, and cognitively. So you can do it. Just move, with hydration and proper nutrition! You are stronger than this!”

A friend gave me the best advice today.

She said very simply,

“Be Kind to yourself.”

She is so right because often we are kinder to others than ourselves.    I am going to take her advice into my training.     Not to the point that I won’t push myself, but to recognize where I am is ok.  To recognize that I need to think more about hydration, nutrition, and recovery than I did before.    To know that no matter what it is enough as long as I am doing the best that I can do.

We really can’t ask any more of ourselves.

So be kind to yourself to.   Know that you are enough.   Know that it is ok not to win as long as you showed up.

 

 

 

 

 

Unstoppable

 

 

I am lucky.   I know that.   I know it could be so much worse.   I know there are people fighting much harder battles than me. Knowing this does not make it easier.   It actually makes it worse because of the guilt.

I’m a lucky girl, but I don’t always feel lucky. And I hate that feeling.   Who am I to complain when I have been so blessed and am so lucky?

A small voice whispers, “Me.”

I’m an avoider by nature.   I see nothing wrong with burying your hand in the sand.  The problem with that is eventually you realize that you can’t breath and you’ve made the situation so much worse.

I didn’t realize it until after my run today, but I’m kind of there now.   Remember this week started Chicago Marathon training.   I’ve stuck to the plan.  Three easy runs.  Three days in a row for three miles.   Easy Peasy.

Or in my mind it should have been.

Run

The first run I did at  my local YMCA on the treadmill.   The second run was a fun run with friends.   Then today I was on my own.   Things were going good.   The run in my mind was much harder than it should have been.   I mean seriously it’s only three miles. and the weather is perfect for running.   What more could a girl ask for?

On the run as often happens, my mind processes things.   It’s been a while since I’ve had one of these runs and I needed this time with my thoughts.   I’m keeping a nice easy pace.    Today I want to run the whole thing with no walking.   Should be easy enough.   Mission accomplished.

Here’s the thing though….   By the end of the run, I am literally huffing and puffing.   A lot.   I end the run at my house happy as can be.  I even snap a picture.   You can see that I’m tired.   You can see that I’m sweating pretty decently for a short run.

Run2

Here’s what you don’t see…..

At this point, my face is tingling.    My right arm is tingling.  This causes me irritation because IT WAS ONLY THREE MILES ON A COOL DAY.

If the picture was taken 5 minutes later, you would see me having a good cry.    It sounds bad and it wasn’t pretty, but I think it may have been just what I’ve needed.    During my run, I was thinking how far I had come with my running and where I am now.    It’s several major steps back.   I’m not even at square one anymore because at least when I started on this journey the only thing holding me back was myself.   That is not the case right now.   There is so much out of my control right now.   So many things that I never had to think about before.

Seriously.

It sucks.

But I’ve had my good cry which was well beyond due.   Yes, I’ve been dealing with the actual physical aspects but it’s time I deal and come to terms with the big picture.  I’m pulling my big girl panties on and I’m just going to keep moving forward.  I’m a lucky girl, but sometimes even a lucky girl needs a moment.   I may get where I was before in my running, but I need to accept where I am today.   I also need to accept that it’s ok.   In talking to others that have hypoparathyroidism the key is giving your body what it needs and taking it as it comes.  There are things in my control, but there are also things out of my control and there are things that change depending on the day.   So I will do what I can and start accepting what I can’t.   Giving up control is hard.

This disease will not stop me.