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Decisions…..

Decisions are hard.

Sometimes we think we need to do something, but the thought of it brings worry.

Sometimes we want to do something, but the thought of the task at hand brings us anxiety.

Sometimes we know that what we want to do is maybe not what we need right now, but we worry we will miss out if we don’t do it. FOMA is real.

Sometime we know that the job is important, it is a worthy cause and necessary but we must realize that there might be others who can take it over while we take care of ourself.

We make decisions. We change our mind. We change it again……and again…. and again…..

So here it is and to some of you it will come as a shock.

I filled my application out to run NYCM for for the 4th time for Sandy Hook Promise. As I filled it out I second, third and fifth guessed the wisdom. I guessed not because I do not believe in their mission of protecting children and bringing much needed change because I do. I guessed not because I have not seen the impact of their programs because they are real. I guessed not because they are not an amazing organization with amazing leaders who are making a difference and giving it all they have got because they all are.

I guessed because I wondered if right now it is what my body needs. I guessed because I don’t know weather I can mentally and physically push myself to train for a marathon. I guessed because I am not sure that it would be a smart thing to do right now for so many reasons. With all of these guesses, I still filled out my application to run for them because I believe in them so much. I was accepted to run and all I needed was to fill out the contract to be on the team.

I was in!! The thought did not bring me peace for all I mentioned above.

Then an email came that they had an abundance of runners waiting in the wings, so instead of sending in my application; I passed the baton to the next runner. I always said that Sandy Hook’s mission was not a sprint but a marathon. I just forgot that it was a relay marathon. So as I pass the baton to the next runner, I realize that when the time is right I can step back in my lane to get the baton again. Until then there are other ways to both support those now running with the baton and the mission itself of Sandy Hook Promise.

The biggest way I know it was time to pass this baton is that when talking with a friend who was shocked I wasn’t going to run this year, I realized that I was at peace with the decision. There was no second guessing. There was not third guessing. While at peace with it, it is very bittersweet as I will miss being part of the marathon team but you don’t need to run a marathon to make a difference. You just need to show up and get involved.

Not finished….. Just recharging

Just Doing My Thing

As seems to be my MO, I ran another race I was not trained for this past weekend. This time when I say that I wasn’t trained, I mean I really wasn’t trained! Training was lagging, but I was on track somewhat especially as I had just come off NYC Half. I had put in some miles with the longest being 8. I was feeling good, but then I was sidelined by the cold everyone seemed to get after remerging from out masks. This was a cold that would not quit and then turned into a lovely sinus infection. So for the 3 weeks before the Shape Half Marathon I did nothing. Like seriously N O T H I N G. Unless you count blowing nose constantly and sleeping something which I don’t think counts.

I had thought about backing out, but not seriously. I knew that I would finish but I would have to just take it as it came. Although if I had remembered how hilly 2 loops of Central Park were and how Harlem Hill sucks so bad, I might have given it more thought. I had no plan. I had no pace. I just went with the flow. I was lucky to even show up. As a side not right before I left my home, I threw up. It was a combo of taking my antibiotic with coffee followed by brushing teeth. It didn’t set well.

The flow was wobbly. I ran the first 10 with the same woman that I ran the first half of the NYC Marathon. Since I didn’t have a plan and we are similiarly paced, I went with hers. She was run walking with a 5 to 1 ratio. It wasn’t pretty but it worked. the last 3 miles we went our own way which meant that she ran/walked and I pretty much walked. Central Park is a hard run when not trained…. ok any course is hard not trained, but the hills of central Park are no joke. My quads were not laughing but I was…..

This is what its about…. Not the pace…. Not the medal….. not even the finish….. the friendships:)

The day was filled with lots of fun, laughs, and a lovely brunch. I am so glad that I showed up. Sometimes that is all you have to do is show up. To know that what ever will be will be and just enjoy the process and the outcome. It is easier said that done. Will also say that I was surprised at the outcome because I finished in under 3 hours which I was not expecting. 2:55.

More to come……

Ready or Not Here I Come

Training for a marathon seems to take forever. From the moment you sign up, you start thinking about what plan you are going to follow. Then it’s actually implementing. Even harder yet….. Sticking to the plan.

So here we are 7 days out and it will be what it will be.

Am I ready?

Surprisingly, I feel ready. I did not follow the plan to the letter T or probably not even close. That being said, I still feel ready.

Shocking I know…. But I do.

I think the biggest thing is that I really adjusted expectations. I adjusted what I thought I should do with the reality if what I might be able to do. Most of all, I know that if I am not an idiot, don’t go out too fast, and do what I need to do the finish line will only be 26.2 miles away.

Easy Peasy lemon squeazy

Ok, not at all but it is in reach. I have trained. My legs have done it before. Mentally I am in the right place. I am looking forward to it.

So now this week it will be putting the finishing touches on the logistics. It helps that I have reached my fundraising goal for Sandy Hook Promise too. That takes some of the pressure off.

Last week I had a bake sale. Have I mentioned that I LOVE to bake. I also LOVE to share baked goods and message of Sandy Hook Promise. I just about sold out. Had lots of generous donations and reached my goal….. That makes it worth it.

More later this week, but just wanted to let you know I’m ready as I will ever be. Today final “long run” at only 10 miles. Went with some friends and was a good run. It’s always nice to end with a good run. This week some short 3 milers to keep legs loose.

Catching Up

It’s been a bit since we chatted. It’s been some crazy time, but thought I would pop in to say Hi as every time I think about it something popped up. So in no particular order some random thoughts to catch up.

1.

My older boys went back to college leaving my youngest the only one at home. Although to be honest, my oldest was only home for about a week this summer as he completed an internship this summer as he is a Senior in College this year. My middle one started his Sophomore year but to me it seems like his Freshman as it really is his first year on campus thanks to Covid. I admit that I love having all my boys home, but I am happy for them. There is truth to the expression, “The days are long but the years are quick.” Sniff…sniff. Sniff

2.

Training has of recent not been what it should but it what it is. I am planning to get back on track which getting back to a normal schedule will help. We all need a normal schedule. Work has been a little chaotic as of late which has contributed to my lack of training. Extra hours. Different hours. More physical hours. I kept saying that I would run/bike/something after work and then after work…… Nothing. With under 10 weeks to go, I will have to get my ass going or it is going to be handed to me come November 7th.

3.

I have been asked more than once if I think that NY is going to happen. I must admit that I’ve had tha thought pass through my mind more than once, but I do think it will move forward. It does seem like they are doing almost everything they can to ensure an in person safe event. Although I readily admit that I would love for them to make vaccination a requirement and I’m not sure why they haven’t. New York City requires it for many things but not the biggest event to take place in their boroughs? Maybe they will but I think it’s getting too close for them to make that decision. They are making changes though. You have to make a scheduled time to pick up your bib which I expected. I do have heart palpitations though of thinking of beginning of race, but I am fully vaccinated. If booster is available, I will have it before NY. I also plan to mask up at start and finish areas. It is concerning but not worrisome.

4.

They NY medal picture has been released and I LOVE IT! Hard to believe that this will be my 4th NY and my 9th overall. I am counting last years virtual because then that puts me to my 8th year streak of “running” a marathon. As the saying goes…. I’ve come along way baby.

5.

Ida…. Ida…. Ida

This week I had planned to get back on track with training. Then Wednesday instead of training, I was in save the basement mode as we were taking on water. Then yesterday it was clean up the basement. Today is watch the basement dry and tomorrow it will be put it back together. Up and down the stairs. Lifting with the knees. It is cross training and that is how I must look at it.

So now it is time to fall back on my favorite expression…….. It is what it is.

100 Days……

100 days is so far away, yet so close. 100 days till NYCM. 100 days to worry if my training is not enough. 100 days to doubt if my body can handle it. 100 days to worry about what is going on with the new Delta Covid Variant and how this will all play out.

On top of that…..

100 days to fundraise. 100 days to spend as much time fundraising as I do training. 100 days to continue to remind people of the good work that Sandy Hook Promise does that only happens with fundraising. 100 days to remind people that while I do love running this race is more than about running. 100 days to hit my goal.

Is there anyone who doesn’t take on this challenge who doesn’t question why they are doing it, if they should be doing it, and how you can do it better.

Now don’t get me wrong. Training is going good. Although I have already had some foot pain which is concerning. This are things that lead to doubt. These are things that make me realize that I need to go see my podiatrist. More just to make sure that there are no issues and to see if it is time for new inserts for my shoes. I just don’t want to deal with foot pain all through out training and I did have that pain after running only 8 miles. So there is concern.

One thing that I hate to admit as I’ve had issues with my feet 20 pounds ago…… The extra weight is not helping when it comes to my foot health. It’s not so much the weight but the weight combined with being prone to having issues with my feet is not a good combo. Although this time the pain was different. It was on the outside of my foot, so I wonder if something else is going on. And while I know the easy solution is to say….. I’m going to loose 20 pounds. That is much easier said than done.

So the reality is that I’m not going to loose the 20 pounds. Unless I plan to go on a very strict diet (which I won’t), I need to figure out some things out.

  Should this be my last marathon (thats a hard one)

 Do I need to see my podiatrist (yes)

Is it time for new insoles?   (Not sure)

Do I need to focus on foot strike and form (maybe)

GRRRRRR

I really need to not bury my head in the sand like I’ve done in the past and takle this head on.    Although I do like to ignore things till they blow up in my face.  (Doesn’t everyone or is that just me?)

It annoys me too because this go around I am doing everything that I should be doing. But for now, it is not something that is bad enough to cause me to stop. Besides I already have some ideas – like to spend some of my “foundation runs” with biking. To make sure to spend stretching and just listening to my body.

100 days……..

Slow, Steady & Moving Foward

One week in and 17 more to go, but training seems to be falling into place. Just so happens that a woman in my running circle is also planning to run NY. We are off similar ages and abilities. In talking to her, I explained the 80/20 plan that I am doing. She decided that is a good fit for her and the beautiful thing is that it seems like are fitness level and training zones are compatible, so it’s a go. We are doing slightly different plans, but we can make it work.

I forgot how good it was to run with people. I haven’t really done it in a long time even pre-covid. When people are training seriously even if they say “I will run whatever you are running,” it doesn’t always work out. They aren’t getting the training they need. You feel bad for holding them back or maybe worse run too fast which is worse than running too slow. So finding a training partner for a marathon where you can do many runs together is nice. Even better when you really like the person:)

So week one went well. I will say that holding back is harder than it sounds. All your life you are told to give it all you’ve got. ….To push yourself to the limits…..If you don’t push yourself who will. ……. I’m sure you can think of others that you’ve told yourself. It is always…. GO….GO…. GO.

Now it is…. Slow down. Don’t push it. Slow and steady. It’s harder than it sounds. More times than you would think this past week, it was “we are running too fast.” We need to slow down. We are breathing too hard. Now don’t get me wrong, with the heat and humidity in Jersey this past week slow and steady still was hard. The heart rate spiked a few times. Sweat happened. It was not “easy.”

Here is the thing though….. After this first week of running, there was not a run that when it ended I didn’t think that I could do more. I could run further. I could run faster. I also was able to recover from these runs which is key.

So as I dig deeper into this training, I really need to find out if the zone that my garmin is saying are the right zones. I also would love it if my heart rate didn’t seem to jump up quickly. To keep myself where I needed to be and bring my heart rate down, I would walk until I got back into the zone. So I need to work on this. It will come.

As I do this, I am also in the marathon of fundraising. It’s kind of like doing 2 marathons at once. I’m working on collecting auction items which after this last year you can imagine is not easy task, but onward I go. I’ve gotten some good ones already. (If you know of any, I’m all ears).

So onward I go….. Slow, Steady, and moving foward.

Blowing in the Breeze

I used to want to be a badass. I used to want it. Train for it. I used to want to push myself to and past my limits. There were no limits. There was only not working hard enough. Not pushing hard enough.

To Train

To Train hard

To be at “the top of my game.”

Now……. Let me be clear……… There is NOTHING wrong with that mentality. I get it. I’ve been there. I might get there again. Who knows. I know though…… I am not nor have I been there in a long time. I’ve been swaying in the breeze…. Ever so gently just seeing where I might land.

To be honest, I am not sure where I am right now. I just know it is not the balls to the wall give it all you got place right now. I have no desire to train hard. Most days I might not even have any desire to train. There is no wake up at the crack of dawn to squeeze a run in. There is no going out at night to make sure to hit my miles.

There is just going with the flow. I know that there are many reasons for this change besides being hypopara which may have been the catalyst for change, but change is inevitable anyway. I just don’t have the same drive. I don’t have the same commitment. I don’t have my running crew as we all are in different places. We trained together. We ran together. We raced together. Most of all running was about more than running.

So as with life, things change. People move. Peoples schedules change. Goals change…..

What many runners know too is that without in person events, it just isn’t the same. I often think to when I was growing up our family Minister was a runner. Something he picked up in the service. He went out for runs just to run. This was well before running became mainstream. I thought I had that mindset, but I realize that while I do love running I can’t wait to be at a starting line again. That being said, I am also not in a rush because I want to also do it safely. The thought of a major event (if any are even coming) brings on a bit of a panic attack. Like a serious one…… Not the OMG, she’s having a panic attack meme. Anyone else???? This pandemic has changed many of us in what we once never gave a second thought to, we will think long and hard about before diving in.

I have signed up for a trail race in October. While I don’t have time to train on trails like I used to this race is a friends favorite. Plus they required a waiver of proof of vaccination. I liked that. I respect that and things like that will go a long way to getting us back to normal even if it is a new normal.

January Recap and Thoughts

Many runners, myself included, have used the expression……

I will say that after looking at my stats for January, I was very pleasantly surprised. I hit over 50 miles for the month. Now preHypopara, I would regularly ran 100 miles in a month. I am proud of that. I am equally proud of my 50 in January.

I downloaded a training plan for my virtual NYC Half and have been following it. As said before, I am not worrying about pace. I’ve been using heart rate and training zones to set where I am running. It seems to be working because I’ve been able to stick to the plan, finish the workouts and actually feel good doing so. I have only missed one workout so far and that was inauguration day and sorry not sorry that was a day to savor and enjoy which I did! Other than that I’ve stuck to the plan.

A few observations……

I have forgotten how to dress to run outside in the cold. I used to run heat, cold, rain, or snow outside. I’ve become not only soft with running outside but have forgotten how to layer properly. My problem is that I run hot, but I also hate to start off cold. This means recently that I am much to overdressed once I start running. Also doesn’t help that I may or may not be bigger which means my winter tights are tighter than they used to be. Work in progress as I need to figure this out.

I also am very lucky to have turned my garage into a mini workout area complete with equipment including a treadmill. I still hate running on a treadmill as I find it absolutely boring, but I am figuring that out. Running and looking at garage door going nowhere is super boring. I’ve started streaming shows which passes the time.

One big thing that I noticed about running on the treadmill is I get different readouts from the treadmill to my Garmin watch. Not sure which is more accurate, but I have been going by my Garmin. Somehow I feel the treadmill is tuned into my body and while I may be running on the hamster wheel it is registering that. I need to do some research to see what is what but sfor now I will go by my Garmin.

So first month of the year had a strong start. Been eating better. Been excersicing regularly. Been doing what I need to do. Would be nice if all that hard work paid off with a pound or two leaving town but guess you can’t have everything. So for now I will take being able to do what I’m doing and feeling good about it.

Putting myself out there

Failure to launch….. Fear of failure……

There are so many reasons not to start. There are so many reasons to start. It is like having the angel or devil on your shoulder and deciding who to listen to. Sadly, the devil seems to speak louder and knows just how to spread doubt.

Like the bully on the playground who pushes people away before they can reject him or self sabataging a relationship/job/goal because somewhere deep down you think that you don’t deserve it or it won’t last, we all have done it. Ok, most of us have done it. I have never claimed to have it all together, so I know for a fact that I have done it. I’ve done it in the past.

It is easy not to fail if you never put yourself out there. Like the heroine in those Hallmark movies that we wish would just take the leap of fail, sometimes we need to take a leap of faith on ourselves. Every leap won’t land perfectly. Some won’t go the distance. Some will land with a thud, but if you never take off you stay in the same place. I’ve been staying in the same place. I’ve planted my feet and refused to move. I’ve put cement shoes on and have wondered why I am standing still. I’ve had valid reasons. I’ve had some major BS reasons. No matter what the reasons though, the truth is that I’ve been shortchanging myself.

I can do hard things.

I have done hard things.

I forgot how to do hard things……

Now don’t get me wrong, I have pushed myself to go outside my comfort zone. But…… but…… I pushed right up till the point where I should have taken that leap of faith and instead planted my feet.

As the saying goes….. Some are

Chasing Badass

Some are…….

Chasing Dreams

Some are…….

Chasing the past

I have chased all of these before. I realized that right now I am chasing something a little simpler and yet more complex.

I am chasing…….

Chasing myself.

I may never reach some goals. I know I will never run as fast again. If I will ever do this or do that. I think about If I will ever loose any weight. (Mind you I’m not doing anything actively for that to happen, but even when I did nothing changed.) I wonder how far I can run. I wonder. I wonder……. I wonder…..

All I know is that it might be time to start chiseling away at those cement boots so that I can start to take a leap of faith again. Maybe a small leap. Maybe a baby step forward. Maybe something that won’t even be visible to anyone else, but a step that I will know has made a difference.

Say what??????

I realized recently that I forgot what I can do. I forgot that it is ok to push myself and that it actually feels good to do so. That I was not while not taking the easy way out, that I was giving up before even starting. I’ve struggled before. I’ve realized that I’ve forgotten that I like to actually try.

So with that being said and with motivation and inspiration from a friend, I am doing 30 days of strength minimum of 10 min a day. Few days in and while I am not strong like I was in my Crossfit days, I forgot how much I enjoyed working with weights.

It’s go time.

No excuses

New Beginning

Some times in order to start over, you need to step away.

This morning I was watching an interview with Matthew McConaugh about his new book Greenlights (Can’t wait to read). He was talking about how he stepped away for 2 years from the business and when he came back he was considered “new” again. That he was able to start over and not be pigeonholed for one type of character. He still loved what he had done before, but in order to start over he needed to step back.

I’ve stepped back.

I’ve said before that I’m ready to begin again. I am ready to run again. To begin with no expectations of what I used to be and with the expectations of what I will be. Just to rediscover who I am as a runner today and not keep trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It never works and brings nothing but frustrations.

What’s old is new again.

I’ve talked the talk and now I am going to walk the walk. Actually I am going to run/walk the walk. I have stepped back. I have allowed my body a chance to reset. There are no expectations what it can do as a runner as I have no clue. There is no I must do this pace or must hit this milage. There is only today.

Last week this time, I was recovering from walking my NYC Marathon. This was my final step in putting my expectations behind me and moving forward as a new runner. I had set the goal to walk the marathon and I did. I am ready to run again, but as the runner I am today and not the runner I was years ago. I am ready to forge a new path and see where it takes me. To accept where it takes me.

So with all this in mind, today I started the Couch to 5 K program. Some may say that is odd as I just completed a marathon, but I did so as a walker. I have not run in several months. It felt good to get out today. To follow the plan. To not feel I needed to be going faster. To not feel like I needed to hit a distance. To not have expectations that could not be met. There was only what was today.

And that was enough.