Tag Archive | inspiration

364 Days

So tomorrow marks one year on this magic carpet ride.   Last year at this time, I was prepping for my thyroidectomy.   You know the usually stuff you do prior to a surgery – make sure your will is up to date, make sure the house is clean, make sure the fridge is stocked, Oh and make sure Thanksgiving Dinner was ordered.

Going in I was prepared for the recovery of the surgery.   I was prepared with having to deal with getting my dosage right for my meds to replace my now missing thyroid.   Easy Peasy.    I really was not worried at all.    You see, I knew so many people who either had their thyroid removed or knew someone who had theirs removed.    Another ace in the hole was one of my sons although he has a thyroid, it has not functioned since birth.   To be honest, my only concern was that a surgeon was going to literally be slicing open my neck.   That was my main focus.   Everything else would just work itself out.

So now I am one day shy of my surgery and I realize that it wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.   The blip on the screen was much bigger than I thought it would be.  Still trying to adjust the thryoid meds which is really what I attribute my 15 pound weight gain this last year too.   Oh and the fact that my running took a dive. It’s a work in progress.

This last year has been an adjustment both physically and mentally.   Prior to the surgery I in my mind was chasing a 4:15 marathon, completed a 50 K, and was pushing my limits.   I did not realize that post surgery dealing with parathyroid glands that decided that they no longer would want to function properly that my limits would change and change drastically.  I didn’t even know that there was such a thing as Parathyroid gland let alone 4 that were very important.

Over time, I may get back to where I was but realistically speaking I am not getting any younger.   In less than 2 years, I will be hitting a number many refer to as a milestone even, but we aren’t there yet!

Where we are is a celebration of where I am today.

Today

Is it where I want to be?   Not exactly.   That being said….

I ACTUALLY RAN THIS WHOLE THING.

There was no walking.   There was no stopping.   There was only running.   And while I will admit that it was so much harder than it used to be and I was so happy to hit the end, it is so much better than it has been.    Life gives you what it gives you.   Today it gave me 3 miles.   For today that is enough.   I admit that some days it’s not, but as I continually remind myself….. You can’t live in the past.    You can’t spend your life living the should of , could of, and would of’s of life.   You get what you get and you don’t get upset.   And my personal favorite that my sister hates….

It is What it is!

So today, I look back on not where I was prior to 11-18-2016, but how far I have come since then.    The support that my friends have given me has helped me continue to push on.    You have been there when I have complained about my aches, my pains, my feeling tired all the time,  and everything else in between.   So this is my shout out to you……   For listening when I complained.   For understanding.  For your ideas and suggestions.  For run/walking with me when I need to and when I need to again and everything in between.   It hasn’t been an easy year learning to deal with “the new normal,” but thanks for taking the trip with me.

 

PS – I’m still following my training plan for the January Half Marathon.   One week down:)

Let it Go, Let it Go

As Elsa said, It’s really time to Let it go….

I  never really let things go.

It’s time.

Ok.  It’s past time.

For example, I ordered these pace bands once I got into Chicago.

IMG_2748

If you can’t tell, these are 4:15 and 4:30 pace bands.

Crazy now.   At one point, it was a goal.   Actually it wasn’t even a crazy goal.

In the back of my mind, this was while not a goal, it was possible.   I was secretly holding onto it.    I couldn’t let it go.   No matter how improbable or silly, I held onto it.    In the deep recesses of my brain, I admit now that this was always there.   I kept imagining a miracle in my training.  That something  would click and I would be right back there.   As much as that seed was in the back of  my mind, I realistically trained for where I am today.

I am at a 5 if not a 5 1/2 hour marathon.

I’m a firm believer in goals.   It’s what kept me running.

Some people have goals for speed, some distance, some just getting out the door.   My goal at this point is honestly just to finish.   Each goal is a worthy goal.   Each brings it’s own set of challenges.   That is the beauty of being a runner.   You are only competing with  yourself and your own limitations.   Some real and some imagined.

So with a goal of getting to the finish line, I need to run smart.    As I’ve said before, I’ve hit the wall before at a marathon.   It’s not pretty.  I, honestly, don’t know if I can push through it today.   I’ve got a lot going  on… The calcium issues, the stomach issue, the tendonitis, and oh yeah being 15 pounds heavier than last year.

I’ve sought out advice from those who have dealt with hypoparathyroidism longer than me.   One thing that stuck with me is this response…

“We live a very measured life. We don’t get the option to give it a 70% or an 80%. If we are to accomplish what we are aiming for, We have to give it a 100% . At all times.”

So with this advice, I know that I have no room for show boating.   I’ll save that for a later date with friends whose hands I will grab as we cross the finish line.

A 5 hour marathon is still a marathon.

A 5 1/5 hour marathon is still a marathon.

And I’ve got 6 1/2 hours to get to the finish line.   I will say that I’m hoping to get there before then, but I will get there and be happy about it if that is how it rolls that day.

All I know is that when I get to the finish line, I might hug the person giving me a medal.worth it

 

 

Just This Once

When I ran my first marathon,  I went with to it with the running Mama who was the little birdie in my ear telling me that I should register because after running the Runner’s World Hat Trick I was ready.   I was probably an easy sell, but without her nudging I would not have registered.  She had everything in place and needed a room mate, so it all worked out.

I was all set.

I admit that I was a little sad that my family was not coming to see me, but that was understandable and for another post.    During my training, both my mother and “baby” sister who lives across the country (literally) were my biggest cheerleaders.   They had both expressed how they wanted to be there, but I was really ok with it.    My mother is not one to travel by  herself especially to the city and my sister is on another coast.

The day of the race comes and off we go.    When this race took place, both the half marathon and marathon were not only the same day but started together.   I went into this with no expectations as I really jumped in last minute with only one ever 20 mile training run.   As I was heading into the mid point of the marathon, I could hear the finish line for the half.   The announcer was clearing stating how If you are running the marathon, please stay to the left.   All half marathoners, please go to the right for the finish line.  THE FINISH LINE.   This was disheartening to hear.   At this point, I was thinking that there would be no shame just to run the half and was planning to go right.

Until…

Then crap, I had to run a marathon.   My mantra became, “your sister did not fly across country for you not to finish.

So I did.

Towards the end of the marathon, my sister ran onto the course to give me one single rose to carry across the finish line.   I took it, looked at it, and gave it back to her  telling her it was too heavy.

Yes, I really did.   I think the rose was made of metal.  Ha!

Once the race was over, there were many hugs and before my family and I parted ways my sister informed me that she only did this because it was my first marathon.

One year later…

This time, I am running Marine Corps Marathon.    I am going to DC on my own.    That is until my sister informs me that my mother and her are hitching a ride with me.   She flies in and off we go for a road trip to DC.

MCM11

Once again, she joins me towards the end of the race.   This time she brings no rose.   I  am dealing with some stomach issues.   She hears me drop the F bomb a few times, curse the stupidity of running a marathon even going on about how stupid it is for people to want to watch, and then listens as I tell her never again.

I finish.

MCM4

Once again, we both say never again.   I won’t do another marathon and she can’t keep flying across the country.

Then NY.

My sister although a California girl  but a huge part of her heart is in NY City.    She watched the marathon a few times when she lived in the City.    How could she not come in now.    This time she can not stay for the end as she literally had to catch a plane, but does maneuver herself around the city to see me a few times.

nycm16

 

She is not there this time to hear me curse the never again, but we both have the same thought.   We can’t keep doing this.

Then Chicago…..

I am not going alone this time.   I am going with another Mama Runner.   It’s all set and it’s all good.   Then a text from my sister.   Her husband happens to have something in Chicago that week.   She is going to fly out and meet him and then stay for the marathon.

So it seems like no matter how often we both say never again, we keep meeting like this

and

It will be a wonderful thing.

 

 

It’s All Her Fault

 

 

We all have days in our lives that are pivital.    Many times we don’t recognize it at the time how important these days are to our journey.    Today is one of those days.

Today is my “Fitness Anniversary.”

Yeah, I totally made that slogan up, but I like it and it’s true.

Just a few short years ago today in 2013 was the day that I received my very first medal.

????????

This was supposed to be my one and done event.   My nod to that I  may have been getting older, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t do something unimaginable in my youth.

This blog was started as a way for friends and family to track my training and journey to this event.

Who knew at the time that all the talk of the “One and done” was in haste?

This event was September 8, 2013; but it started much earlier than that.  It was literally almost a year in the making and I actually owe it all to my friend Rose (I totally blame you:).    This was the year that I decided that I was going to start an exercise program.   Once I started, my friend roped my into signing up for the Sandy Hook Iron Girl.   She had very good points – we would train together, it would keep us motivated,  we could train with the local YMCA Tri group, and it would be fun.

12002121_1633068080275994_1131227085117247127_n

I will be honest, I didn’t necessarily think it was all fun.   I may have complained about how much I hated running during the Couch to 5K program.    I may have thought that I would drown during the swim and I certainly didn’t like the way my butt felt  after riding the bike for so long.

Then something changed along the way.

Me.

Small changes at first which morphed into bigger changes.

Running became not something to dread, but something I looked forward to and actually went out of my way to do.

It became part me.

Now exactly a month from now on October 8th I will be standing at the starting line for the Chicago Marathon, my 5th marathon.   I have logged countless miles since the beginning, made countless friends, and learned much about myself.

I actually went and looked at my stats from MapMyRun today.   While not 100% accurate, this app I have used since I started running “seriously” in 2013.

Total miles:  2,855.85

Duration:  24.93 DAYS

Calories Burned: 341,174

I look at those totals and the first thing that comes to mind…….

Shouldn’t I be thinner?

Then I think….

Damn!

Even though this last year, my totals are not that impressive, that means nothing.   I didn’t start this journey to have the best totals.   I started it for me and I continue it for me.

And that is all you can ask of yourself….

Do what makes you happy:)

cute_unicorn_birthday_card-r3fd509a7b6b0455bbe53018e464ee70c_zk9yi_324

 

 

 

 

 

3 Minutes at a Time

Today was a day that mentally was required more than it was physically and physically it was a necessity.   18 miles on the books.   After how hard my last 6 were,  I had my doubts about today.   The one thing that I really had on my side…..

DETERMINATION

It’s really the one thing that that keeps my going.

Seriously.

Anyway, I made plans to run the first 10 miles with my amazingly supportive friend who would do walk/run with me.   We decided since it was going to be a cold rainy morning that we would start at noon to miss the rain.   We both know that on any given race day the rain won’t stop us, so no need to go out in it unnecessarily.   Besides as I’ve said before, I’m not really a morning person.   This morning I really wasn’t a morning person.   I woke up at 8:00 proceeded to move to the couch with my coffee and fall fast asleep.   I couldn’t keep awake.   Finally around 9:30, I seemed to come out of my sleep coma.   This gave me enough time to do some things around the house and head out the door in time to run to my friend.

I figured that since I had more miles to do that I would try to get some in before meeting her.   I got about a mile and half in.   Then did some stretching when I got to her house and off we went.

I will say that it is so nice to run  with a friend who you can chat away the miles with.   When your brain is otherwise occupied with discussions of running, family, politics, and life in general; you tend to forget about the soreness the pounding is causing.  Sadly for me her 10 miles came to an end.    We ran back to her house where I could refill water bottles and add my Cal-EZ to my water.

Then off I went.

On my own, I thought about my running strategy and tried to ignore my legs.    Like most runners, I’m trying to determine what my fuel needs will be for the marathon.   I also realized that maybe (not maybe) I had made a mistake only have oatmeal in the morning.   I’m also trying to determine when and how to add extra calcium.    Normally during a race, I do not stop at the water stations and just use my water bottles.   I think Chicago will be different.   I think that I will fill my water bottles with my calcium water via Cal-EZ) and then use the stops for water or Gatorade.  I’m guessing that would be easier than trying to add it while running.   I could take Tums, but I’m partial to Cal-EZ as I know it causes no issues and keeps my levels steady, it’s easy to take, and I can keep track of my dose.

Work in progress and will give it more thought.

By mile 15, I needed to stop for some stretching.   I didn’t let myself stop long as I thought it would get too hard to start again.    At this point the run turned into, it’s only 3 more miles.   I can run 3 miles.   By about 16.5, I reached the 7-11 where I needed to stop to get some Gaterade as my water bottles were empty.   I am a sweater and I really needed to replenish electrolytes.    It’s funny the people at 7-11 must see it all because they don’t look twice at me in my running belt drenched in sweat.   It’s all good.

Some more stretching while I refilled my bottles and then off I went.

The last mile was hard in that I just wanted to be done.   I literally went from counting the mile to counting the minutes.   Telling myself that I could run for 3 minutes and for the most part I did.

Bottom line is that I got it done which is all I needed.    Still not paying attention to pace, but ending up finishing with an average pace of 11:51.   I’m finding that I do seem to be keeping an even pace during the running and I’m not walking like a snail during recovery.

It’s all good.

determination2

 

 

Perspective

 

Sometimes in life we get stuck in a rut.   It is so easy to get caught up in the minutia of it all.   To look at things with eclipse glasses on where everything is darkened out.   We are waiting to see the eclipse only to realize that we are looking the wrong way.  Then you change directions and see the beauty before you.

You get perspective.

It is so easy to get caught up in thinking about where you were and what has changed that you forget that the journey isn’t over yet.

Nothing has changed, but there has been a shift in my thinking.

I need to stop looking backwards and start looking forwards again.

It’s a lesson that I learned a long time ago, but seemed to have forgotten.

Perspective.

Today I went out for 3 miles.   I had planned to do the walk/run for it but changed my mind.   Honestly the only reason that I changed my mind is because it was raining and I didn’t want to walk in the rain.   Anyway, I just focused on the run.   I let my body be in charge of it.   There was no thought of pace.   Just focusing on my breathing, how I felt, and enjoying running in the rain.

Here’s what happened…

I hit mile 1 without walking.   Then I hit mile 2.   Then I thought to myself, it’s been a long time since I actually ran a full 5K.

So I did….

I felt good.   I could tell that I was breathing heavier the last mile, but that is because it was raining a little harder.   Besides it was a good heavy breathing.    I felt good and am really happy with myslef.

NOW this doesn’t’ change my plan for Chicago because running a 5K does not make a marathon.

One day at a time

One run at a time.

Just running to run..

life3

 

 

 

 

 

Funny How It Works

It’s funny how things work.   I started my blog way back when just to keep track of my fitness journey.   When I started and even now, I write my blog for me.     Really.      It’s my way of processing things and expressing myself.   I’m always surprised that anyone reads it, but I do know that there are a few who follow my journey.   Even with that, when I write; I don’t think of that and write for me.   If I didn’t I might not put it all out there as honestly as I do.

So first of all, if anyone is reading this…..     Hi there:)

Now I’ve been pretty open about how much my running has sucked lately and how disappointing I’ve been.    Again, I do this because writing helps me to process things and sometimes it even gives me an Aha moment.    Then sometimes, someone will send me a message or a comment to open my eyes to that not only are people reading but they have insight and words of wisdom too.

Then sometimes you get a message from someone unexpectedly.  Someone who I’m shocked my blog even makes her reading list.   Someone who if you look up badass runner in the dictionary will have her picture and stats.   Someone who inspires me and leaves me in awe.   Someone who honestly I would now be too embarrassed to run with, but know that she wouldn’t bat an eye at taking a run with me.   She’s just that awesome.

Anyway,  sometimes it helps to hear things that you know to be true but somehow it rings truer when coming from someone whose badassness can’t be questioned.

 “Try to not apologize for pace or distance. You got out there. That’s it! You ran! You sweat! You put in the hard work! You feel pain and elation! Focus on the feeling not the pace. Fuck it.”

“In the end, it’s not about your pace or your time. It’s about the journey”

“Don’t run for anyone else. Run for yourself.”

These are words that I know are true.   These are words that I’ve tried to tell myself too, but somehow when I said them to myself I felt like I was copping out or making an excuse.   Now she is not the first to say these things to me, but somehow when I read her message to me, I really just wanted to cry.

She (and others) have been right.  I’ve been too focused on pace and distance.   I’m doing the best I can on any given day.   Like everyone some days are better than others. As long as I’m doing what I can, what more can I ask for?    I’ve always ran for me.    I’ve ran because I enjoy pushing my limits and the actual feel of running.  I think somehow I got caught up in a bit of a pity party.   Kind of stupid actually.

I need to focus on the basics which is running to run.   Running because it is what I want to do.   I need to remember that this is actually something that I both want to do and enjoy doing.  No one is making me run.   This isn’t gym class.

I need to find the joy!

So today I went out for a run (shocking).   Before I left though, I turned my Garmin to only show me distance and time of day.   I set my timer for my 3 to 1 walk ratio and out the door I went.   I ran on feel.   I ran to run.   I ran for me.

You know what?

I had a great run.   I don’t mean pace or distance.   Truth be told, I wanted to do 12 today but due to time restrictions I only got 7 in.   During the run, I went only by the way my body went and it felt good.   I know if I had had the time that 12 would have happened today and I would have felt good about it.   I also felt good about the 7 that I was able to do because they were a happy 7.    I ran by feel.   I walked when the timer went off and ran again when it beeped again.

Now I will admit that I am never going to run without my Garmin.   Just not going to happen.  What I can do though is like today take the focus off it and put it back on the run.   The funny thing is that when I allow my body to do it’s job, it knows what to do.   Today I did not feel choppy in my run.   I did not feel pressure.   I just enjoyed the beautiful running weather.   When I did download my run though, I did notice something.    I was pretty consistent in it.

So maybe it’s time to just say….

Just run

bart-yasso-we-are-all-quote-558x419

 

 

 

What is your Why?

 

 

 

When I first started racing, it was exciting.   It was fun.   I couldn’t stop myself from signing up for things on a whim.    There was fire.    My first race ever was the Sprint Triathlon in September of 2013.   Since then according to Athlinks, I’ve run 42 races.    Considering I have only done 2 races this year, that comes to a lot of races in such a short period of time.  This year, I only have a few races on the calendar which I am enjoying.

When I first started running, I had something to prove to myself.   It was a challenge.   It was fun.   I had my running race buddies.   I couldn’t stop.   Then I did.  Now it was time to reevaluate and regroup.  I have different reasons for running now.   I am in a different place.   As said before, I know that the reason I want to run Chicago is just to run it to prove that I can.

I was talking to someone who deferred a big race.   She was coming back from an injury, but originally thought that she would push through to train.    She then realized that she was planning on pushing through her injury for a race that she no longer really felt like running.   The desire just wasn’t there.  We  get to a point where we have to start questioning why we are doing the things we are doing and what would happen if we didn’t do them.   She had nothing to prove to herself.   She also realized that her heart just wasn’t in it.   Once her decision was made, she felt relief.

Often subconsciously  we know what we need to do and even the reasons why, but for some reason we feel like we just need to keep doing the same thing.  We feel like we would be a quitter.   Like somehow we are a failure when the reality could not be further from the truth.   Sometimes stepping back and being true to ourselves is so much braver than soldiering through.   Unknowingly we fall into patterns of doing thing because we think that we should do them. We think we will disappoint others or just because we don’t want to have to think about why we are feeling that way.   Sometimes we can’t even explain it to ourselves.

I always say honestly is the best policy.   Those that know me personally know that they shouldn’t ask me a question if they do not want an upfront and honest answer.   Being honest with ourselves is just as important.   We put too much pressure on ourselves not just with our running but life in general   As with life, sometimes in our running we have to step back to evaluate our motives and desires as they can change over time without us even realizing it.  What was once a driving force may no longer ring true to us anymore.  And sometimes you have to  ask  the hard questions.  You know just what to ask too.  Only you have the answers, but you need to allow yourself time to find them.

My one piece of advice to you – No matter what  make sure that you are still having fun! I don’t mean that you should laugh your way through your training, but just make sure it doesn’t become a job.  Running is a great stress relief and we all have so much on our plates that running should be something that gets us away from it all and shouldn’t feel like something we have to do:)

One thing that I have noticed these last few months is that I am content not to be on such a tight race schedule.   Always training.   Always planning.   As much as I enjoyed the hard training that I put in and running the races,   I can honestly say that I am happy where I am in my training.  I am content to sit on the couch a little longer in the morning.  I am putting in the miles that I will need to be ready for Chicago, but I am not consumed by my training.   I am flexible.  The fire still burns but maybe right now it’s not as hot.   When and if the time comes, I can always turn up the flame.  I know part of it comes from knowing that I am not chasing a time, but running for me and what more can I ask for?

Whats-your-why

 

 

Lessons Learned

One of my favorite expression is about being kind to people.

be-kind-2

It is true too.   This expression should apply to everyone and everywhere, but we can take it to heart in our running.    Often times people will see someone running on the street, finishing a race at what some might consider “bad” or see someone who gives it all they have but never got the “runners body.”  I will admit all of those apply to me.    At my fastest, I could never hit the 4:30 marathon and this is not the shape people think of when they imagine a runner.   Yet, I am a runner.   I was then and I am now.

Philly Marathon

Case in point…. Me finishing my first marathon in Philly.   You don’t look at this and think, “wow she looks like a runner.”

Now I will say that the people in my inner circle do not think like that (myself included).   It’s just not who we are (we are the cheerleaders), but I will admit to sometimes having a mean girl moment or two.   I’m not perfect and never claimed to be, but I also know the truth of my favorite expression and try to embrace it.   That being said, it really is coming home to me now and maybe it is a much needed lesson.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve started using the run/walk method.   Now even though I have bought the Jeff Galloway marathon training book, I’m not fully embracing it.   Physically, it’s good.  Mentally, I’m having a hard time with it.   I want to run and I want to run like I used to.  I felt like I was just getting it together and reaching my potential.   I might get there again.   I might not.   Who knows?    Besides the hypopara issues, I’m not getting any younger.   Statistically speaking I might have already peaked.   Although I might not be too upset in 2 years when I hit the next age group that begins with a 5.

Sometimes we put so much internal pressure on ourselves just because we think that we should be doing something a certain way, we suck the joy right out of it.    I’m not there, but I could very easily let myself get there if not kept in check.    Really, it would be much easier to quit running.   The thing is that I like it.   I really do.   Just not so much in the moment:)

Here’s one other thing,  it would be easier to quit.   I know that.   I’ve thought about deferring Chicago but I honestly believe it I don’t do it this year that I never will.   Also I have a secret weapon pushing me along.

My youngest son has been doing Tae Kwon Do.   He’s fairly good at it.   He  has worked his way up to a red belt.   He now wants to quit.   His reason is that it isn’t fun anymore and boring.   Perfectly normal responses from a 10 year old.   Here’s the thing though.   When I dig a little deeper the truth that this wise mother see’s is that it isn’t as easy for him as it used to be.   He isn’t as confident going into a class with other red belts and higher than know the routines that he is trying to learn.    I get that.   So I am giving him a break for the summer, but I will push him back into it come September.

How can I push him if I don’t push myself?   Yes, it would be easier to let him quit but I know one day he might regret it.   Yes, I know that it would be easier if I quit but I know for a fact that I would regret it.

If not now, when?

As a parent our kids don’t always listen and sometimes even tune us out.   I know say it isn’t so, but it is true.    Anyway, they do pay attention to the things we do.   My family knows that my running isn’t as “easy” as it used to be.   My runs take longer than used to be.   I come home more tired and sweaty than I used to, but I’m still getting out there.   I may walk.   I may run.  But I am not giving up.   That is the lesson I want them to learn.    That is the lesson to learn.

10686949_1498527800396690_6555815312635136764_n

The Shadow of Fear

 

 

noun
noun: fear; plural noun: fears
  1. 1.
    an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

     

verb
verb: fear; 3rd person present: fears; past tense: feared; past participle: feared; gerund or present participle: fearing
  1. 1.
    be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

 

As humans fear is a normal emotion.   It’s a survival instinct.   Everyone has some fear and anyone who says they have no fears is either lying to themselves or you.    It is a necessary emotion……

To a point.

If allowed our fears can become bigger than the reality.   We create a boulder to carry when we should only be carrying  a pebble.     It happens before we even know it!   Once we realize the truth of our fears, we can chip away at that boulder and return it to it’s pebble size.   But in order to do that, we must admit our fear and face them.

I’ve realized that I’ve been living on the edge of fear lately and it’s been holding me back.    I’ve never been one to worry about the “What if’s in life.”   I’ve just kind of rolled with it.   Since my diagnosis, I’ve been fearful.   Fearful of a calcium crash.   Fearful that my calcium will spike.   Fearful of the side effects of the medications I must now take.    Fearful that I’m going to end up with kidney stones which is a common side effect.    Fearful that I’m in over my head since I still can’t seem to find a doctor that “gets it.”

Then there is the part of me that thinks I could just stop taking everything and that I’m perfectly fine.   I mean I look fine.   I actually feel good right now which also brings up fear as my levels are too good.   Yes, I know that sounds strange but it’s true.   There is a fine line.    Anyway even though my PTH levels indicate that as much as I’d like it to not to be true, my body just isn’t working right.   So in this case the fear of not taking my meds is a good thing.

stubborn

But fear can also be a bad thing.

Fear can be used to hold us back.

I can’t let the not knowing how my body and how my calcium levels will react hold me back.    Any runner/athlete on any given day can be sidelined by a whole host of things out of their control.   You can do everything right and still have a bad day.    You can’t live in the shadow of fear.

So today I am starting to chip away at that boulder.    As FDR said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”   It is with this thought that I went out on my 3 mile run last night.     I didn’t do anything stupid and push myself into paces that I couldn’t hold.    What I did though is say that I am going to run 3 miles and run the whole thing.  I reminded myself that I ran a half marathon only a few months ago and my levels were much lower than they are now.     This does not mean that I’m giving up on the walk/run method.    This just means that I’ve realized that out of fear I may not have been pushing myself to do things that I should push myself to do.

It’s time I started remembering that no one knows what their day will bring and start facing it accordingly.

For now, I choose to embrace a new meaning of fear and once again try to live my life accordingly.   It won’t be easy and I’ve still got baggage to deal with, but I’m going to try.

 

Fear2

 

Again

One day at a time.

One run at a time.