I have lots of complicated relationships. To be honest, who doesn’t?
I love my blog, but I have not been great about blogging recently…… Complicated
I love to run, but haven’t been running much lately……. Complicated.
I want a clean house, but I hate to waste time cleaning it….. Complicated
I want to be a size 8 or honestly I would take 10 at this point, yet really don’t do what is necessary to make that happen…… Complicated.
I miss running with my friends, yet don’t seem to have the time to meet up with them as our schedules don’t mix….. Complicated.
I have a VERY complicated relationship with food. To be honest, who doesn’t?
The problem I have is the all or nothing mentality and often we might be the ones complicating things more than they need to be.
As I previously mentioned, I’ve met with a nutrionist a few times now. She has given me some good feedback. We have talked about different food choices, adding more protein to diet and less carbs, and looking at better options overall. Things that most of us all know, but she has given some good tips. Overall it has been worth it.
Here is the complication though……. While I know everything she says is valid, I am beginning to wonder if I have the conviction to actually follow through. So far the answer to that will be a resounding no. I can’t even get myself to track my food choices for a day or two. Now maybe it’s because I know where I’m going off track and I don’t want a paper trail to remind me. Maybe it’s because I’m not determined enough to follow through. Maybe….. Maybe….. Maybe….
There are so many reasons we don’t reach where we think we want to go and I maybe to the point where I, honestly, am not sure I want to got there anymore.
I just had my physical in December. Cholesterol only went up 4 points and blood pressure is still really good. So while I have all the other stuff with my Hypopara going against me, relatively everything else is looking ok.
So now the questions I need to ask……
What do I really want and what am I willing to do for it?
Simple.
Yet, complicated….
Answers will be coming shortly and probably changing as time passes.
I have a confession to make….. The number on the scale still bothers me. I know it shouldn’t. I know I am more evolved. I know it is just a number, but…. But…. But….
The two sides of my brain fight this one out. I know that the number is NOT important. I know what is more important is overall health. I know that there are other much more important numbers, such as blood pressure (good), cholesterol (fair but in range) and all the other numbers I need to keep in check due to my hypopara. I also know the number on the scale does not affect my quality of life, change the way my loved ones feel about me, nor honestly change anything about my life. It doesn’t keep me from doing things. It doesn’t honestly affect my life in any way…. With the honest exception of that it does make running a little more challenging than it needs to be on my feet.
I’m not blowing smoke. I know all of these things. I know that the scale does not control my life. I know the scale does not change my life. I am a fairly confident person. The scale doesn’t keep me from doing anything and yet….
I can admit that it bothers me.
Now I am not saying that it bothers me enough to do a drastic life altering diet change. I also admit that while I have started to track my food. This is honestly based on the fact that I am trying to meet nutritional goals. Lean proteins. Less Carbohydrates. Meeting calcium and nutritional goals for overall health. My nutritionist pointed out that while weight is not our goal that by meeting my nutrional goals while also adding strength training and balanced exercise regime, the wight loss will be potential possible side effect. There is no calorie counting. There is what are the best calories to consume.
So why knowing all of this does the number on the scale still bother me? Can I blame society as much as I blame my non existent metabolism? I know things are slowly changing. Companies are using models based on “real” women. Disney just had a short with a bigger protagonist. People keep fighting back against body shaming…. Yet, these are the exceptions and not the norms because if they weren’t they wouldn’t make the news. Top “influencers” (still don’t get that one) are still using filters to get unattainable goals. Plus, I am of the age of barbie, I Dream of Jeanie, and grew up the “fat kid.” Not sure you can every fully get away from those forces.
Yet…… I try…….. not enough that I stopped stepping on the scale. That I don’t have a weight goal. That I wouldn’t love to wake up tomorrow and be 135 pounds again. Once again not enough to take the unhealthy (for me) drastic steps to reach these goals. Part of me would love to drop the 20 pounds. That being said, realistically I will be very happy if I drop 10 pounds which would still leave me in the overweight category but take my BMI out of the obesity category.
This week I had my annual physical. Numbers are looking good. Cholesterol is going in right direction. Bad number is going down. Good is going back up. Super good blood pressure…. like awesome 96/60. My doctor even told me…. ”You are no longer in the obese category. You have moved down to just overweight.” lol
Seriously though…. she was happy because I lost 11 pounds this last year. She said whatever I was doing to keep doing it. I will also admit that I was shocked that the number was 11 pounds. Pleasantly surprised. Who wouldn’t be? So I think I will, but I know since Thanksgiving I’ve been sliding a bit. Haven’t we all? That is what happens to everyone over the holidays. Time to find my balance again. Time to readjust and get the wheels back on track. It takes so much work to loose the weight but so easy to put it back on. It sucks how unfair that is!
When told a friend I lost 11 pounds this last year, they asked what I was doing and if I thought my smoothie game was a factor. So here goes….
I do think that the smoothies have helped. For a few reasons. I start my morning of every day with a nutritionally balanced smoothie. It is never the same but always packed with lots of vitamins, filling fiber, and protein. It sets the tone for the day. Some days that works. Some days maybe not but at least every morning I get to start over.
No While I have been working with my Functional Nutrionist and it has been helpful, food wise she really has just been reinforcing what I already know. Cutting down dairy, processed food, and bad carbs is really the answer for me. Also thinking about what I am eating, when I am eating, and why am eating has been helpful.
It also helps to know what workds for you as each person is different. I have never been one to track food, count calories, or any of those things. Some that works for them. Not me. Also for me, I really am not looking at this as a diet plan to loose weight but as a healthy more natural way of eating. Seriously it is a lifestyle change and it really is about meeting my nutritional goals and just eating healthier. The thing about that is that means cutting out processed foods and cutting back on unhealthy carbs and dairy.
Win Win.
Eating this way does not in any way feel like I am giving up anything. It also allows flexibility and I never feel like I am missing out. I will also say that if I want a cookie that I will have a cookie. If I want something that I will not deprive myself but maybe instead of having a plate of cookies that I will have one or two.
Balance.
It’s not easy to find. It is often easy to get out of it and sometimes you are going to fall. As long as you keep getting up, dusting yourself off and getting back on the balance beam all is good.
As I said before….. This is about my health, meeting nutritional goals and trying to be the healthiest that I can be.
My relationship with food is complicated. Always has, but hopefully always won’t be. It does have a past though…
As I have said before I was the fat kid growing up. I may sound like a broken record when I say that but for some reason it stays with you. This may have been made more complicated by the fact that I literally had a balerina/Ms Teen USA older sister and lots of other dynamics growing up. Although they may speak more to body image than food relationship, but there is always a correlation.
When I think of my childhood some of my happiest memories are around food. I remember making fudge on the farm with one of my sudo Godmother’s as a young child. I remember my brother’s and sisters making Christmas cookies while listening to Christmas music (The carpenter’s) on an old record player. It’s funny too because I have a horrible memory when it comes to my early childhood but these standout. These are good memories.
I also have the stark recollection of my childhood doctor talking to my mother about my weight and giving her a diet I needed to follow. Do doctors still do that? I mean if you look at the pictures of me as a child, while I was not the ”ideal” weight I also now think this was extreme. Then again, I grew up in the 70’s, so I am betting times have changed. Based on where we lived (we moved several times, so this is how I tell times of my childhood), I would guesstimate that I was probably in 5th or 6th grade. Anyway, I remember getting into trouble for having an extra packet of oatmeal for breakfast. I don’t even remember the trouble (wouldn’t have been more than Mom saying something), but I remember the feeling. (Also in my Mom’s defense, she was deferring to the doctors and again this was the 70’s).
I would also like to give exhibit A to this story……
On the left and adorable but I didn’t know it at the timeOn the left again and at that very awkward stage but still not at a level that screams in need of diet
So as I share these stories, I wonder if anyone else has thought about their complicated history with food and how it effects them now?
I have started to think more about my food choices. I have started to think more about my relationship with foods, how it effects my body, and what better choices I can make. For the most part as an adult, I really have never thought about these things. Yes, I have thought about what I want to eat, where we are eating, and all of those things; but I have never really given food choices much thought. I’m hungry. I eat. Not why am I hungry. Why am I hungry for XYZ and why am I making the food choices that I am making and are they really good for my body, my health and my mental well being. That last is in reference to when we gorge ourselves on chocolates, cookies, or what not and how it makes us feel later. You know the… I should not have eaten all of that food guilt/shame.
Recently I had a consultation and then my first session with a Holistic functional nutritionist. In just talking with her these two times, I have started to think about my food choices more. Her open ended questions of simple things….. What if your replaced X with Z, how do you think that would make you feel? Why do think you NEED to have a snack at night? Are you really hungry or is it just habit? She is a runner who has run several marathon’s and I feel this helps. She has also said, we will do no major changes to my diet until after the marathon although changes have already started to occur just in thinking about things. Plus in looking at my diet, she has already pointed out that I need more protein and I also need more water which I can and should implement right away.
For me, this is about my health. This is not about number on the scale. When she asked me what I wanted out of our time together and what our goals were, I thought of my Grandmother. A woman who drank nothing but probably coffee or iced tea. Who never went to the doctors and if she did didn’t really listen to them. Who smoked right up until she kind of forgot she did when she had stroke. Who up until the end was the healthiest unhealthy person you could have met. I said to Lisa (my nutritionist) that I worry with my hypopara and the toll it takes on my body (thinking long term kidney health), having to now use a CPAP machine, and now peri-menopausal that my goal is to be the ”bad ass woman that I was meant to me” channeling my Grandother.
The original badd ass woman
So this is my new life motto:) Ok, it may have already been my unoffical motto but I thought about it now.
So with this in mind, I have started implementing minor changes that are really not so minor but they don’t feel life altering which makes them easier to stick with.
Start my day off with a glass of water before coffee. Preferably with lemon and continued through out the day.
Instead of skipping breakfast or worse grabbing something aimlessly that really offers no value, I have started my day with smoothies (Go to my instgram to see them). I do not feel like I am giving something up and hubby now benefits because I make smoothies for 2. It’s kind of like a game now where he tries to guess what is in them. Besides being tasty (a pre-rec for anything I make), it is packed with nutrients and are filling.
Thinking about what I am actually eating has made me want to eat better.
Realizing that some eating is really just habitual and better choices can be made.
Lisa and I have talked about my Hypopara especially in our initial consultation. Some holistic groups I’ve been in are very anti-medication/supplement and feel like you should get everything naturally. Before working with her, I wanted to make sure not only did she understand but was on board with my circumstances. As a person with hypoparathyroidism, my body does not produce the hormone PTH which helps to regulate many things but Calcium is the big one. I also no longer have a thyroid. Because of these two factors, I take a boat load of pills a day. This is just the way it is…….. Some such as my calcitriol and thyroid meds are a must as is the vitamin D, magnesium, and, of course, calcium supplements.
All that being said, though, as I am entering this journey adding more natural calcium to my diet……. I am beginning to wonder if maybe….. just maybe…… instead of taking calcium supplements 4 times a day……. maybe just maybe….. I only need them twice a day, I could replace one or possible two of them from a food source. Would that be better for my body? Would it help me with my kidney health long term. More importantly for the short term, would it keep my calcium levels where they need to be?
These are things rattling around my brain and only time will tell.
What is your relationship with food and have you ever thought why?
100 days is so far away, yet so close. 100 days till NYCM. 100 days to worry if my training is not enough. 100 days to doubt if my body can handle it. 100 days to worry about what is going on with the new Delta Covid Variant and how this will all play out.
On top of that…..
100 days to fundraise. 100 days to spend as much time fundraising as I do training. 100 days to continue to remind people of the good work that Sandy Hook Promise does that only happens with fundraising. 100 days to remind people that while I do love running this race is more than about running. 100 days to hit my goal.
Is there anyone who doesn’t take on this challenge who doesn’t question why they are doing it, if they should be doing it, and how you can do it better.
Now don’t get me wrong. Training is going good. Although I have already had some foot pain which is concerning. This are things that lead to doubt. These are things that make me realize that I need to go see my podiatrist. More just to make sure that there are no issues and to see if it is time for new inserts for my shoes. I just don’t want to deal with foot pain all through out training and I did have that pain after running only 8 miles. So there is concern.
One thing that I hate to admit as I’ve had issues with my feet 20 pounds ago…… The extra weight is not helping when it comes to my foot health. It’s not so much the weight but the weight combined with being prone to having issues with my feet is not a good combo. Although this time the pain was different. It was on the outside of my foot, so I wonder if something else is going on. And while I know the easy solution is to say….. I’m going to loose 20 pounds. That is much easier said than done.
So the reality is that I’m not going to loose the 20 pounds. Unless I plan to go on a very strict diet (which I won’t), I need to figure out some things out.
Should this be my last marathon (thats a hard one)
Do I need to see my podiatrist (yes)
Is it time for new insoles? (Not sure)
Do I need to focus on foot strike and form (maybe)
GRRRRRR
I really need to not bury my head in the sand like I’ve done in the past and takle this head on. Although I do like to ignore things till they blow up in my face. (Doesn’t everyone or is that just me?)
It annoys me too because this go around I am doing everything that I should be doing. But for now, it is not something that is bad enough to cause me to stop. Besides I already have some ideas – like to spend some of my “foundation runs” with biking. To make sure to spend stretching and just listening to my body.
During the month of December, I accepted a fun Facebook Challenge from a friend to post 10 days of running photos without explanation that had an impact on me or were important. Here are some of what I shared –
I loved this challenged and it reminded me that I used to be somewhat of a bad ass. It reminded me that I can, have, and want to again to hard things. It motivated and reminded me that before I started out, I couldn’t do any of the things that I did. I trained. I pushed myself. I didn’t give up. Most of all…. I tried.
I want to try again.
I will try again.
Most of all, I need to continue to remind myself that the best things in life aren’t easy. So I have been spending December baking cookies, eating cookies; but also plotting. Plotting how to stop feeling like a marshmallow and get back to feeling like I can do anything. Don’t get me wrong, my measurement of being a bad ass might be different than it used to be. That doesn’t make the feats any easier.
I’m putting out some BIG, BIG goals for me for 2020.
1. Loose 25 pounds
2. Run at least 1 event a month
3. Close my activity rings on my watch every day. This will ensure 30 minutes of exercise a day.
4. In the back of my mind, I’m pretty sure I want to run (if they will have me again) the NYCM again for Sandy Hook
These are lofty goals. This are hard goals. These goals will push me. Most of all these are not impossible goals even if as I write them they seem impossible.
I’m laying the ground work and plotting as I so often do. Another hypopara friend asked me to join her group to run the year 2020 challenge with some others. We will create a team and as a team, we will run 2020 miles. A challenge on your own sometimes falls to the wayside, but knowing that you are part of a team will keep you motivated. I’ve already registered for my first 5k on January 1rst.
I’ve already talked to a dietician to help me find a healthy way to loose the weight. When researching good diets for those with Hypopara, I realized that the one I used prior to becoming Hypopara might not be the best alternative now with the once again high urine calcium levels. Must protect the kidneys at all costs because being super vigilant has served me well. So having the help of a dietician will help not just with weight loss but overall health. She has also mentioned that there will be a January weight loss challenge that I can join. As mentioned above, it is easier to stay on track with others.
So as I continue to plot out my plans, I hope to share both the victories and pitfalls (hopefully not too many) with you.
You know that feeling that you get when you are so tired of being sick and tired. I’m kind of there right now. Some of it out of my control, but a lot in my control. I can choose to eat healthier. I can choose to do nothing which is kind of where I have been recently or I can choose to do what I can to be healthier. While training will be different this time around, I know what to do and I know that I can do it.
While I am not officially starting a program till January, I am trying to start getting back into healthier habits. I also am preparing myself both mentally, physically, and researching best way to achieve my goals.
I will say that I do not plan to start on January first as I don’t want it to be tied to the New Year. I plan to start the second week of January at least food wise. This will give me time to stock the house and read up on the DASH diet which is what I’ve decided to go with. It seems like a good fit for me. It’s more of a lifestyle change, but I will be following their weight lose program. I ordered recipe book and plan today. So I will have time to actually to be prepared. I want a plan that isn’t going to starve me and that will fuel me to get back to training.
That being said after weighing myself and taking my measurements today, I have decided to start being more mobile today. Although I really didn’t need to do this because I could tell by having no clothes that actually fit me. It will be cheaper to get back in shape than buy new clothes. This is the biggest I’ve ever been unless I was pregnant. It’s not even the weight, it’s the measurements that I will be watching.
I even went to the gym today. I ran just 3 miles and doing some weights. I am a long way away from both my Crossfit and Marathon days. So out of shape. I purposely want to ease back into this slowly. It takes a long time to build up your stamina, but no time at all to loose it. Here is to gaining stamina while loosing inches and getting back into my closet.
I went out yesterday for what should have been a “easy” 6 miles. Even skipping my normal training in Vermont, these 6 miles shouldn’t have been that difficult. I was not in the mood to keep track of time, so I decided to just keep the pace slow and I would give myself a walk break every mile. Seemed like the way to go.
As you can see from the long red and orange line, even at these paces I was working hard. Harder than I feel that I should, but I imagine the paces don’t really tell it all as it evens out with the walking. Still need to work on it. Part of the problem is that in the 8 months since my surgery I have gained 10 pounds. I’ve never been what one would call petite. That being said, I had remained steady in my weight for many years. As I’ve blogged before in Laying It Out There even though the numbers never changed, I could tell that it was redistributing with added muscle. Sadly, I can not say that now.
Part of the weight gain I attribute to not exercising as much post surgery. Part of it might be from thyroid surgery while getting my levels correct. Part of it might be Christmas and winter coming during this non running time. While I don’t care about the extra weight per se, I do care that my clothes are not necessarily fitting the way that I like them. I also think this is part of why I am struggling a bit with my running. Yes, my legs are more sore than before, but that doesn’t account for all the heavy breathing.
Now is the what to do, what to do moment. I honestly and whole hardheartedly hate dieting. It’s not my thing baby.
That being said, I am creeping up to another big milestone that I do think I would be upset to hit as it would be how much I weighed when I was pregnant.
I know that with my hypoparathyroidism, I do need to do better with my diet. It might help with the muscle cramps and other issues. I have toyed with my diet for this reason, but never committed especially since I still think my parathyroid are going to bounce back and work properly. I keep waiting for the doctor to tell me they made a mistake. I know. I know. It’s a foolish pipe dream, but I still can’t fully admit that this is permanent and my life yet. It’s a work in progress.
So maybe it is past time to meet with the nutritionist that I called and never followed up with an appointment. Not for my clothes. Not for the way I look, but for my health as I really need to eat a diet with less salt and more calcium rich foods. There has been much discussion in my hypoparathyroid groups on what is a good diet and I really need to start paying attention. Also, I really need to figure out proper fully for runs.
So maybe I could turn this all around. You know make lemonade out of lemon kind of thing.
Moving forward is all you can do as sitting still is not an option.
Who remembers as a kid singing the song in Health Class about everything being connected?
“The hip bone’s connected to the back bone
The back bone’s connected to the neck bone,
The neck bone’s connected to the head bone,
Now shake dem skeleton bones!”
Cute song that helped us learn about how our bones were connected. Then on our way we go. As adults most of us never think about how inter-connected our bodies are and how interconnected everything really is. Yes, as athletes we know about proper fueling but for most of us that is the extent of our thought process.
Then again. Maybe that’s just me.
Yes, I do know the rule garbage in equals garbage out.
All that being said, for the most part as a grown up we pretty much know what is considered healthy and what isn’t and eat accordingly. We really don’t give it much thought other than that. Honestly, why would we?
The only time a person really starts to think about these things is when they need to. I’ve been giving more thought to it recently. They body is an amazing thing the way it works. How it takes in nutrients and uses them. How certain foods will help and certain foods will hurt with calcium absorption. Yes, that’s really all I seem to care about right now. Forgive me. But it’s all interconnected.
So I’ve been doing my research, but it can be overwhelming. Yes, we all know about dairy, but there is a whole host of other foods that are good too. Then there is a whole host of foods that are not good for calcium absorption such as caffeine, salty foods, and high protein foods just to name a few. This then creates a quandary.
Remember I had planned to go on my diet May 1rst. Remember it was going to be a high protein diet because that is what worked for me in the past. Well obviously it won’t work for me now. Also, as an athlete I depend on replenish myself after a good workout with protein. Should I continue with that pattern? These are questions that I am asking myself now. These are questions that I need answers to.
So it is all interconnected.
And this isn’t even getting into the discussion of how exercise effects calcium levels.
As of now, I’m reaching out to those who are more knowledgeable and I’m emailing some nutritionist. I’m looking for an individual who looks at the big picture and can help me individualize something for me. There are a lot of nutritionists out there. The key is to find the one that will work well with me and as a plus will take insurance. I’ve already called and my insurance does cover up to 3 per calendar year and unlimited if medically necessary. When I asked what that was, they immediately went to a diabetic. Well I will question if they tell me they won’t cover my visits (but that is a fight for another day).
It’s funny how things you never gave a thought to before suddenly fill your mind.
I’ve got wiggles. I’ve got jiggle. I’ve got a belly that would shake like a bowl fully of jelly if not for the support of my running pants. As my son once told me, I’ve got a nice soft tummy like a pillow.
Yup, he said that.
You know what? He wasn’t wrong when he said it and it’s still very true today. Instead of a six-pack, my abs could be described more like a marshmallow quality.
I told you that it was time for brutal honesty.
Now as I admit these things, that does not mean I’m beating myself up. I’m just being honest. I will also say that I’ve got legs that really are very muscular, strong, and can go the distance.
. These legs and the accompanying jiggle have taken me many miles and on awesome adventures.
Truth be told, I wouldn’t mind loosing a few pounds.
Truth be told, I’m not sure if I want to make the sacrifices required to do so either.
Here is the thing….
I’ve got a hubby that genuinely doesn’t care about the extra jiggle and I plan on keeping him.
My blood pressure is amazing and I’ve got great cholesterol levels.
My heart is obviously doing ok with all the cardio (AKA running) that I do.
In the whole scheme of things, even though I would be happy if I lost the weight, I am also happy with keeping it. To be honest it really won’t change my life at all.
Last time that I went on a major diet was between son number two and son number three. Son number three is now 10. So it’s been a while. At the time, I did the South Beach Diet. It took dedication and planning, but it did work. I’m just not that sure that I want to be that dedicated. I’m beginning to ponder and develop a game plan.
I do know that I will do nothing till May 1rst which is the day after the the NJ Half Marathon. You would think this would have something to do with the actual race, but it doesn’t. It has to do with not setting myself up for failure. April is my mother’s, my son’s, and my birthday. Plus it is Easter. I don’t want to start something that I know wont end well.
I am thinking that the best course of action will be just to start making wiser decisions which I’m already trying to incorporate. Drink more water. Eat more fruit. Just think about what I’m eating. Who knows maybe that is all I need right now:)
So if I’m happy with things, why even think about the weight. Well I’m also thinking about goals for the year. I know realistically that if I do loose a few pounds that I might actually be able to run the Chicago Marathon well. Maybe even hitting the elusive 4:30 mark. Of course, a lot of that also depends on my training. So if I plan to loose weight it will need to be before marathon training begins.
Right now these are just thoughts. Pondering. Weighing my options if you will.
You got to have goals and to have goals you have to have plans.
The Accidentally Running Mama 