It is so easy to get caught up in the numbers, the data, and if your garmin didn’t record it that it didn’t happen.
I am trying to let that go.
I have been doing my 20 minutes of daily wall pilates. I’ve been walking. I’ve been riding stationary bike and going on treadmill.
Many recorded.
Some not.
You know what if it isn’t documented, it still happened. It is making a difference. I am noticing less aches and pains. I am noticing feeling a little bit stronger. I am confident that this is the way to go.
I am not going from zero to sixty too fast. I am easing into these changes in a way that speaks to where I am and not was or want to be. I am matching my exercise routine with the reality of where my body is today and what it could do.
In my Crossfit days, I was a bad ass. I could lift and do WOD’s breaking into a sweat but get them done. I am not the same, but the determination is the same.
Today’s run was definitely a mental one. Yes, it was physical because I was going for between 8-9 miles; but I was in my head a lot before lacing up.
Every run is a mental run from the procrastinating to the lacing up and getting out the door. There are so many reasons not to run. There are so many reasons to push yourself to get out and run too.
I needed to get out of my head today. I needed to remind myself that I can do this. I would be lying if I didn’t say that last week scared the crap out of me. I would be lying if it didn’t cross my mind to stop pushing so hard, to stay home and just say I’m throwing in the towel. While on my Hypopara journey, I have had tetany before. I have had muscle spasms. I have had the tingles, the brain fog, and been symptomatic. The difference is that I always felt like I still was in control as these symptoms were more annoying than anything else.
I won’t go into again, but last week’s calcium crash was bad. It scared me. It stopped me in my tracks. It reminded me that this is more than just annoying. This is real and needs to be taken seriously. I liked to pretend that it wasn’t and wouldn’t stop me. Honestly, I’ve been more worried about my kidney health than the actual Hypopara symptoms. I realized that I needed to take BOTH as seriously as I should.
This week was a stressful week at work. It was also the first week without summer hours. No longer leaving at 3, but 1. Doesn’t sound like a lot, but for those who don’t know I am also a childcare teacher. This means I am on my feet and really in constant motion both mentally and physically all day.
I wanted to run this week, but I didn’t. I could tell that I wasn’t ready. Yesterday I just didn’t have the energy. I had stayed up too late baking a cake. Oh yeah, I’m also a home baker. So yesterday I didn’t run.
This morning no excuses…. Except I was nervous. I prepared for my run giving myself an half an hour for morning meds to kick in. I filled my water bottles. I have the Fitletic running belt. So I filled 2 with water and one with electrolytes. I then put into the belt some kind nut bars, extra meds, and off I went. I also put back on my running Id that has contact info and also a “Hypoparthyroidism check calcium.” I had gotten a new band and never put it back on. I got complacent.
I started off running streets close to home making grids for the first three miles. I stayed close to home for the remainder of the run too. Not going too far out which sometimes I do for a longer run. Today was about keeping a comfortable pace. Walking when needing to, but not just because I want to. It was about listening to my body. At around 5 miles, I added some full in the form of some of the kind bar. At around 6.5 miles, I took 250 of calcium. Half of my normal afternoon dose. Then just kept moving.
I finished. I got to 8.5. At the end of the run I was thinking of doing a few streets to get to 9, but I figured this was enough……. And it was!
Mentally my head is back in the game. Mentally I know that I can do this but have to be smarter.
When I worked with a running coach a few years ago, she always had me come up with 3 goals prior to an event.
A Goal – A goal within reach, but one that you need to work for
B Goal – A doable goal
C Goal – What is the minimum that you will be happy with.
So for the NYC Half, I kept these goals to myself. I knew going into my training that I really would like to run the half in under 3 hours. While training, I did not train for this goal so much as realize that this was within reach if I pushed just enough. I mostly trained by feel and heart rate. I made sure to do my training runs at a push and my long runs slower than I felt I could push. I always wanted to finish a training run like I could do more if needed. I usually did too.
One thing that I was very conscious of during my training is that I did not want to add extra calcium. What I tried to do was to time my daily calcium in a way to incorporate into my runs.
It has taken me some time since my surgery to get to this point, but I finally finally finally came to the mindset of………. I want to run, but I need to run smart. All the time. I can not push the pace to the point where I need to add more calcium. While it temporarily will feel right, long term it is not for me.
Since my surgery, I have been fighting high urine calcium levels. At it’s highest it was 578. (For those not Hypopara and unfamiliar anything over 250 is high. For Hypopara, your doctors try to keep it in around 300)……. Now it was at the highest, when I was taking .5 calcitriol twice a day with calcium through out the day. I also took extra calcium to run runs the way that pushed my body. My levels have come down, but even with being careful they are steadily going back up. I am currently at levels over 350.
So what does this mean…… basically these higher levels are hard on my kidney’s. I am lucky that currently I have had no kidney issues; BUT I say this as my kidney functions have moderate loss of function. Not enough that I would notice, but until a PTH (Parathyroid Hormone that regulates calcium & phosphate in body) I will need to continue to take medication to regulate. These help me function like a normal person but also are hard on the kidneys. I am not willing to push my kidneys to the limit to run a pace that matters to no one.
Seriously, who cares about my pace?
For a while after my surgery, I did. I wanted to maintain where I was prior to surgery. I wanted to pretend that the surgery and Hypopara didn’t change me, but the truth of the matter it did. It was also about pride. I wanted to run the paces that I could. No lie, I did enjoy pushing myself. Running a Sub 2 half (prior to surgery). Running 9 minute paces. Being a front of the middle runner.
Guess what?
I am no longer a mid pack runner. I am a back of the pack runner. I am starting in the last wave and in some cases the last corral.
Here is what I’ve come to realize though……
I am starting. I am running…… I am still me. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride. Put it aside and know that it only matters to you. When I was able to put pride aside, I was able to train where I am and not where I wanted to be. I was able to train smart. To listen to my body. To run smarter and not harder. By doing that, I was able to actually do what I wanted to do.
I put pride aside. I made a realistic goal. If I hadn’t made it, I would have been ok. But the fact that I made it shows that I am doing what I need to do. Most of all, I did it by working smarter and not harder.
So what does this mean….
This means more running in my future. I even signed up for a fall race. One that I did previously. The Hat Trick. A 5k & 10K on a Saturday followed by a half on Sunday.
Crazy?
Yes.
Exciting?
You bet…. Can’t wait.
Stay tuned because believe it or not, there is more to talk about regarding the NYC Half. Although this is enough for today.
I used to feel that I must give 100% to everything. Maybe even 110%. Just give it everything. Give it my all. The Go Big or Go Home mentality.
But what if I just want to go home? Ok not anymore, but that’s what happened. You can’t just give everything in your life 100%, because eventually you have nothing left to give.
I love to bake and have a home baking business…
I began a new career path becoming a preschool teacher in September working full time…
I like to run…
I have a family…
I have a life….
All of these things are important. All of these things pull at me. All of these things in the moment require 100%, but they can not consume me.
The problem was that was trying to do it all like the other things didn’t exist. Life does not take place in a vacuum. I never gave myself a break. I went from on thing to the next. I felt like I was failing at all of it because you can’t give it all 100% and have anything left for yourself. Maybe some of you can, but I can’t. Add to that my Hypoparathyroidism and my tank is usually not full anyway.
Balance. I’ve said it before. I will say it again.
Period.
Period.
Knowing when to say no. Knowing when you are at your limit. Knowing that it is Ok to enjoy things just for the sake of enjoying them. Knowing you get clarity when you step back and say…
ENOUGH
I love (not always and I do complain) to run, but that always went to bottom of list. This meant that I was at the bottom of the list. Running gives me time to both turn my brain off and give me time to think. If you are a runner, you get that. Yet, that always went to the bottom.
I also realized that while all the things I do are important, so are limits. Limits on the amount of time and energy I put into them. No matter how you slice is there are only 24 hours in a day. So learning to say no is ok. Learning to know when your plate is filled and also learning to plan things out o not to be overwhelming.
I am still working on this but one thing I need to remember is that if I should not be the last on the list. I don’t need to take every baking order that comes my way if it will not fit in my schedule. While my job is extremely important, I do need to give myself a break when I leave. I need to make time to make sure that I can do the things that I want to do.
I’ve been running. I’ve been making time. I’ve run a few 5K’s. I’ve made time to run with friends. I’ve been training. Today’s training was 8 miles in the cold.
I loved it. Nothing clears my mind like a good run.
So here is to running, finding balance and taking a nap on a Sunday afternoon.
More to follow soon as with this new found desire to find balance and do things for me, I have a goal. I may even have several goals. Goals that will help me retain my balance:)
This year, I set a “simple” goal of completing one event either virtual or in person a month. We are on month 8 and so far so good. Most events have been in person. This month I have yet to decide on weather I will do an in person event at end of the month or a virtual one, but it will get done.
I’ve done these events because that was my goal for the year. I said it, so you know I was going to follow through. This was my only goal for the year and at the time I set it, that was enough.
It is no longer enough. While I am not ready to say I am jumping in to training for a marathon, I’ve realized that I want to do more. ( I will add with the heat this summer, my crazy schedule, and again the heat; I am so happy not to be training for anything!). I am also not saying that I will be doing one next year, but I am at the point I am questioning/thinking about the day I will be ready.
So with that being said, I’m planning for 2024. Thinking….. Do I want to do a marathon? Do I want to do 9 plus 1 to get into NYC marathon for 2025? Do I want to only run Half Marathon’s as a goal. What to do? What to do? Fortunately I have time to decide, but I also want to put myself in a position to be able to make these choices.
So short term but very real and concrete goals that need to be met to put me on the path for future goals.
Goal # 1 –
I need to loose a minimum of 20 pounds.
Will it be easy? Hell no.
Do I like tracking my food? Not in the least.
Is making this a goal necessary? You bet.
I am the heaviest I’ve every been non pregnant. And while I don’t really care about my round belly, I also know that it is not good for me for multiple reasons. So it is time, I do something about it. Like everyone, I know it won’t be easy, my metabolism is a zero and with Hypopara it can be more challenging.
Here’s the thing……. I CAN DO HARD THINGS.
So game on. One week in and it seems to be working. I’m tracking which is getting me thinking about my choices.
If I want to get myself into a position where I have choices to run longer, I need to get my weight down as for me it will have an impact on running with my feet issues.
Goal # 2 –
RUN & Cross Train
While I don’t know what my last event this year will be, I want to run it and run it comfortably. Run a 5K as a 5K. Also this will put me into a position to decide what goals I want to set next year.
On top of tracking my food, I started challenging myself to close all of my rings on my apple watch. Not just calories burned, but also completing 20 minutes of exercise a day.
I also know that I ran my best when I did more than just running. So I need to as I work on my running, cross train. I literally have a full gym in my garage. So I need to use it! I have started a Fiton program to do that
Goal # 3
Start all of this where I am today not where I was and realize that I will get where I need to go. You don’t start driving in 4th gear, so I can’t start this program where I want to be.
Reality is what it is and when you don’t live in it that is when you will have issues.
Almost one week down and so far so good. Yeah, I know it’s only been a week; but you must celebrate your successes. One week at a time. Sometimes one day at a time.
Waiting, ignoring and waiting some more to start is also a choice.
I feel like I am always waiting for the shoe to drop. Waiting. Wondering. When is it going to drop and what will happen when it does.
Here is the thing. What if I stop waiting for the shoe to drop and put them on and just run with it.
Easier said than done, but I’m trying.
What you do when no one is watching is more important than when you have an audience. (I know that is pretty funny being as I’m writing this for my blog, but there are only a handful of you who read. So I’m good:) )
Here is the thing…. Everyone is doing their own thing. Focused on their own goals, dreams, and trying to figure out their own path. No two paths are ever the same even if they are parallel. Everyone also has a reason for where they are on their path.
For me….. (I know broken record)……. I was in a good place right before my thyroid surgery and becoming Hypopara. I was running the fastest I’ve run (the whole sub 2 NYC Half). I was at a good weight. I was also running longest distances with not just a marathon but completing my one and so far only 50k. Things were good. Right up until they weren’t.
Isn’t that the same for everyone though. No one knows what will happen in their lives. No one can predict with certainty where they will be, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t still decide where they want to go. I forgot that……
I’ve given up on having control thinking that my weight, my running, my everything was out of my control due to Hypopara, age and metabolism. Treding water just thinking that was all I could do. Silently struggling and not even knowing I was taking on water?
Often you don’t realize how much you have been struggling until you get to the side and hold on, looking back and thinking about the struggle. We live in a society where strength is revered. Being a Bad Ass is a complement. We are told to power through and push through. Never being told that we need and should take a moment to breathe.
It is only when we exhale, can we see how much we needed the air.
So here I am on the exhale realizing that I’ve been waiting for change to happen…… Yes, I’ve met with nutritionists, I’ve gone through motions,, I’ve complained, I’ve lamented, I’ve waited and waited and waited…… I’m not sure what I was waiting for, but think I finally realized what I was waiting for……….
I was waiting for me.
I was waiting for me to be sick and tired of making excuses even if they are valid. I was waiting to get the fire back that I was trying to force myself to have. I was waiting to decide that I’m not just going through the motions, but that I want to do them. I was waiting to decide that I am ready to set goals and actually stick to them. I was waiting to exhale.
So here I am setting concrete goals, working toward them and realizing that I will be doing them because I actually want to and not because I feel like I need to. My first event was almost 10 years ago. I had fire. I had drive and I had will and it was all internal.
I have a confession to make….. The number on the scale still bothers me. I know it shouldn’t. I know I am more evolved. I know it is just a number, but…. But…. But….
The two sides of my brain fight this one out. I know that the number is NOT important. I know what is more important is overall health. I know that there are other much more important numbers, such as blood pressure (good), cholesterol (fair but in range) and all the other numbers I need to keep in check due to my hypopara. I also know the number on the scale does not affect my quality of life, change the way my loved ones feel about me, nor honestly change anything about my life. It doesn’t keep me from doing things. It doesn’t honestly affect my life in any way…. With the honest exception of that it does make running a little more challenging than it needs to be on my feet.
I’m not blowing smoke. I know all of these things. I know that the scale does not control my life. I know the scale does not change my life. I am a fairly confident person. The scale doesn’t keep me from doing anything and yet….
I can admit that it bothers me.
Now I am not saying that it bothers me enough to do a drastic life altering diet change. I also admit that while I have started to track my food. This is honestly based on the fact that I am trying to meet nutritional goals. Lean proteins. Less Carbohydrates. Meeting calcium and nutritional goals for overall health. My nutritionist pointed out that while weight is not our goal that by meeting my nutrional goals while also adding strength training and balanced exercise regime, the wight loss will be potential possible side effect. There is no calorie counting. There is what are the best calories to consume.
So why knowing all of this does the number on the scale still bother me? Can I blame society as much as I blame my non existent metabolism? I know things are slowly changing. Companies are using models based on “real” women. Disney just had a short with a bigger protagonist. People keep fighting back against body shaming…. Yet, these are the exceptions and not the norms because if they weren’t they wouldn’t make the news. Top “influencers” (still don’t get that one) are still using filters to get unattainable goals. Plus, I am of the age of barbie, I Dream of Jeanie, and grew up the “fat kid.” Not sure you can every fully get away from those forces.
Yet…… I try…….. not enough that I stopped stepping on the scale. That I don’t have a weight goal. That I wouldn’t love to wake up tomorrow and be 135 pounds again. Once again not enough to take the unhealthy (for me) drastic steps to reach these goals. Part of me would love to drop the 20 pounds. That being said, realistically I will be very happy if I drop 10 pounds which would still leave me in the overweight category but take my BMI out of the obesity category.
Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why do we always put ourselves down? Why don’t we treat ourselves the way we treat our friends? Why aren’t we kinder to ourselves?
Inquiring minds want to know!
As with everyone, I am in a few group message chains with my friends. These forms of communication are even more important now when you can’t see your friends. In one of these groups recently, we were all saying all the bad but very tasty things we were eating that we shouldn’t be. Then how we needed to get on track. On and on….. You know this conversation because I’m sure you’ve had these converstions.
(Sidebar – Do ONLY women have these conversations? Seriously. Although my husband has said to me about getting back on track, I don’t think he discusses with his fishing or work buddies. Maybe I’m wrong. Am I? )
Anyway after this conversation where we were all beating ourselves up about gaining weight, not loosing weight, and our bad eathing habits I started to think…..
This particular group was a bunch of running Mamas. Some are still running and training for virtual marathons. Those of us not running are still active. We are not sitting on the couch eating bon bons all day even during a pandemic.
A wise friend said, “Life has been extra nuts lately right ? Eat the damn cake chocolate pie cookie ..drink the wine beer pizza whatever …and more importantly be kind to ourselves”
Why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves?
If a friend calls us and tells us they totally blew their diet, blew through their Weight Watcher points, or gained weight; we would come back to them with a kind word (at least I hope so!). We would not berate them. We would not tell them they were hopeless. We would not tell them they blew it. We would reply that it’s ok. That tomorrow is another day. That each day is hard enough without beating themselves up. We would be kind.
So lets be kind to ourselves. Let’s start by treating ourselves the way we treat our friends. Let’s start by giving ourselves a break. Let’s start by knowing that it’s ok to eat the donut, eat the cake, and even eat the brownie but just maybe not in the same night. And if for some reason, we do eat them all in the same night to pick ourselves up the next day and say it’s ok. We will do better.
Here is another thing. As a woman of a certain age, it is pretty damn hard to loose weight. Hormones are all over the place. Metabolism is non existent. Then add no thyroid and a non working parathyroid glands and it is perfect storm of impossible weight loss.
Seriously.
No joke.
No lie.
Now I am by no means saying it is impossible to loose the weight. I am just saying that I am not committed enough right now to engage in trying to the extreme necessary. And while I may eat the donuts, the cake, the treats for the most part I really am not a bad eater. I eat a fairly healthy diet filled with lots of fruits and vegetables For right now, I have embraced a pescatarian diet. I don’t really eat much processed foods. I’ve dieted. I’ve trained and run marathons. On paper, I look good. On the scale is another story.
My sister has suggested that I talk to my doctor about hormone replacement therapy. Truth be told, I take so many pills a day because of my Hypoparathyroidism that the thought of adding to the mix is just tiresome. So I am at a loss and I really do not feel the need to go to extremes as I have maintained where I am for the last 3 years since my surgery when I added these extra 20 pounds.
Now please don’t take this to mean that I have given up. I haven’t. I am not sure when yet, but I will once again start tracking my food. This actually is more for when I go to the doctors for my physical so that we can discuss it. Although my doctor is not one to use the scale as the be all indicator of health. If your doctor isn’t, I would say find one!
Now with all this being said, I am not saying that I wouldn’t be thrilled to wake up 20 pounds lighter tomorrow. I’m just saying for right now….. With all that is going on in the world…… It is just not my priority. I am not saying it won’t one day in the near future, but for today I am content to walk my mile a day and complete my 30 day yoga challenge.
Today I completed my second day of Couch to 5K training. I met someone who is not a runner, but wants to do the program. That’s the beauty of program, you don’t need to be a runner to start it. I told her that we would go at her pace and we did. We had a great day completing her first day of training and my second. Next week, I will also add some cross training to the mix.
Today I also took the time to look at myself in the mirror. I mean really look at myself. I don’t know about you, but it is something that I often avoid especially when getting out of shower. This was supposed to be a beat down to motivate me to stick to the plan. To start eating healthier. To be kinder to my body.
Then I realized that to be kinder to my body, I also needed to accept it where it is and all that it has gone through. It is NOT by any stretch of imagination what is thought of as a good body, but I don’t give a shit. My body tells a story. It has scars. It has wrinkles. It even sags. The stretch marks littering my belly are a reminder (not that I need it) to the 3 boys that I carried inside of it. The scar from all 3 c-sections somehow with it’s line and stomach creates a smiley face. You will have to trust me because there will be no photos. My belly literally jiggles like a bowl full of jelly. As I stood there looking at this body that society tells me that I should hate, I looked at it and saw all the things right with it.
My body even at my fittest was never a “designer body.” What it has and continues to be is strong even when it’s week. Tough even when it is soft. Badass even if it only by my standards. This is the body that allows me to get out of bed every morning. Gives me the strength to do amazing things. This is the body that I have and I’m ok with that.
Now this is not to say that I do not want to loose some weight and tone up some. I do but only because I know that will make me healthier. It might help with some issues that I have. My goal is healthier lifestyle not a six pack. It is not the body that makes the person. It is not the body that creates happiness. Happiness must be searched out, found, and embraces each day. Fat, thin, in shape, round (my current shape), rock hard, soft body….. None of that matters.
Acceptance means acceptance. If you think that you can only accept yourself when you have the perfect body (house, job, ect, ect); you are missing the point.
Learning to love yourself means learning to love where you are right now.
In all things that we do, we need goals and it is ok for our goals to change over time. Goals should be a reach, but also realistic. I would love to set a goal to run a 6 minute mile, but that is not a realistic goal for me and would only set me up for disappointment and pain. So I will scrap that one, but I’ve been thinking about what I want next now that I completed the NY Half……
So I was recently talking to a friend about where she is right now. In texting with her and I will only share my part of the story, I was telling her nothing that she wouldn’t have told me and probably has in the past.
Things like
Your body can only do what it is ready for.
The mind is a powerful but it must work in harmony with the body.
Sometimes we don’t get the answer why and must just deal with what is…
She asked me, “Were you always this zen or did you become Buddha post Chicago?”
I thought about it for a moment and told her truthfully that “acceptance of where I am has been my friend.”
Truthfully.
For those that have been here a while, you know that Chicago while finished was not pretty. There were many reasons for it out of my control such as weather, but there was much in my control. I tried to train and run Chicago like I would have trained pre Hypopara. I was fighting where my body is at this given time. I could not push my body to do any more than it could do on that day which is why it was not pretty.
Don’t get me wrong, I am very proud of crossing the Chicago finish line. I just think that if I had accepted where my body was during training and on race day, it could have been different.
Now I will be the first to admit that training for a half is a different beast than a full marathon. It is an apple and an orange, but it is still not a walk in the park. BUT I went into training for the NY Half with a different mindset. I went into it knowing it would be different. Knowing my limitations and working within them. Now when I say limitations, I don’t mean that in a negative way. I mean knowing where my body was during training and where it was on race day. Yes, I pushed. Yes, I worked hard; but I did so within the reality of what I could do. I went into this with my eyes wide open knowing that I would not be running a 2:15 half, but knowing that I might be able to do it in under 2:45. Working within the reality of where my body is got me there in 2:31 which is I am very proud of as I think anyone who crosses any finish line should be.
So here I am reaching the final stage…. acceptance.
You know what it’s not a bad place to be. Now that I know that my mind is no longer working against my body, I can work on setting goals that will challenge me but not kill me (Ha!).
So what goal did I set for myself being as I do not have any races on my schedule….
I’ve been thinking for a while now that when the NY Half was over, I would like to run some local races. I would like to concentrate on 5K’s for a few reasons.
I don’t want to train or run any long races in the fall as my oldest son is leaving for college then and since I don’t know where he will be going yet, I don’t have any schedule. Plus I would like to have flexibility over the summer.
I don’t really want to train for any long races right now. I realize that I have ran a marathon every year since November of 2014 and have run 5 in that short time.
I want to work on building my speed back up and I think I will be better able to do that with a shorter distance.
Because I want to:)
So now that I know where I am going, I thought about what a realistic 5K goal for me would be based on where I am today not the body of yesteryear that ran it in 26:26. In thinking about that, I though realistically with lots of hard work and pushing myself that I might be able to run a 30 minute 5K. So that is where I am today and if I reach this goal wonderful. If I don’t, it is also ok too because my running is not my time. My running is for me and while I will be happy to reach this goal, I will also be happy striving to reach it.
The Accidentally Running Mama 