I’ve already said that I’ve gone soft around the middle some more, but I also am starting to wonder if I’m just going soft overall.

As a runner or any athlete, the goal is always to push yourself.   Push yourself hard.   Push yourself past the pain.    What if I’ve gone soft in no longer being able to do that?    What if I’ve become afraid to push myself too far, so I don’t push far enough?   For any athlete, you must always ask yourself, “How much more do I have in me?”

Prior to not having a fully functioning parathyroid, there was no fear in pushing my body to it’s limits. It was perfectly healthy and there were no real consequences to doing so.  Only short term pain. Once hypopara, there are real consequences.  So now I find that even when I push myself I may not push myself to the limit because there will be consequences that were not on the table before.

This week I’ve gone out for two runs so far.   I’ve pushed myself out of my comfort zone some, but I’ve also been playing it safe.   I’m paying close attention to my body.    Both runs I used my version of the run/walk method as I don’t think that I would be able to do the run without it.    Both runs I thought to myself, “If I can’t even go this distance, how the Hell am I going to finish a marathon in just 2 months.”   In thinking that, I realized that prior to my surgery that would have never even crossed my mind that I couldn’t do it.

I also realized on these runs that once the breathing becomes heavy on my runs instead of pushing through, I back off some.    I’m trying to decide whether this is something that I need to do for my body or if my mind is playing tricks on me.    I can’t decide.   I also am wondering if I learn to keep the pace slow and steady if that would help me to run farther without walking.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with the walk/run method.   I know many people who use it.    I’ve even had some in my hypopara groups say that they wouldn’t be running without it.  I’m still just trying to find out where I am and what I should be doing.   I’m still trying to let go of old expectations.    Mostly, I’m still trying to figure out what my body needs to do it’s job without my mind playing tricks on me.

Running is mental.   We all know that.   In the back of my mind though, I worry that I’m going to push my body too far.   It is one of the reasons that I stick to main roads now.   I think, “well if something happens and I need help…..”    This is not really me and I don’t like the way this person thinks.

The trick is to test my limits without being an idiot.   Hmmmm.  Not sure how that works.

As always

I’m a work in progress