Tag Archive | Encouragement

Letting Go of Your Ego

Today I went for a run.   I’ve been running inside on the treadmill and wanted to hit the streets again.  It was finally a little warmer today at 31 degrees.    I figured perfect weather to run the NYRR Virtual Race.    That being said, I wasn’t racing so much as running.    I did start off too fast and slowed myself down.   I did walk.   Here is the thing that I kept reminding myself and thinking about while I was running today….

It’s ok not to be the fastest.   It is also ok not to be as fast as I once was.   Besides that is part of life.   Most people don’t get faster as you age even if you don’t have hypopara.   So run.   Just run.

Remember that you do this to feel the pavement under your feet.   You do this for the peace of mind it brings.    You do this for you.    You always have and to do it for any other reason is kind of stupid.

Here’s the thing though…… Ego gets in the way.    Ego is not helpful.    Ego will only hold you back.    You can have pride in your running (and life), but to let ego lead where to take you it won’t end well.   If I were to let my ego in charge, I might not leave the house in my running shoes.    I might just say what the heck, what’s the point, and just stay home.

Ego is not your friend.

Ego will hold you back.

Once you let go of your ego and are proud of where you are things can only get better.

So today I went for a run.   3.32 miles in 38.18 minutes.    It was hard.    I needed to walk.   My breathing was heavy.   My calf had a cramp in it most of the run, but….


I had the sun on my face.

Time to process life.

Time to enjoy life.

Time to be……

The saying that some people think is bull is so true.   A lesson we learned in preschool, but can not truly appreciate till we are adults not just as a runner but in our everyday lives too.



You Just Have to Go

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again more for me than you:)

I’m not a world class athlete.   I’m not a top 10 finisher.  Although I have had a few good finishes I will admit.   Those have been at smaller events though.   In looking over my races in Athlinks, I can say that I’ve had some good races with some nice paces.  Normally though I admit that I am a middle of the packer.

I’m not many things, but what I am is determined.

I am determined to not to be the fastest or run the furthest, but to just keep going.   At this point it is all I can do and really all I want to do.    I’ve pushed myself to run fast.   I’ve pushed myself to run far.   Right now all I want to do is push myself out the door.   To run with no purpose other than to run.   No agendas.   No plans.

This is not to say that in the back of my mind I don’t have goals or plans.   I do.   Everyone does.    But for right now, getting out the door is enough.

I have no desire to run 40 miles a week that I was running before my surgery.   I would like thought to get out the door at least three times during the week.   I would be happy with 20 miles a week.    I’m not even close to being there yet.

I was having lunch with a friend today and we were lamenting about how easy it is to stop running, but how hard it is to start back up again.   Even when you really have the desire to run.  Routines change.   Excuses are easier to form.   Life gets in the way.    Right now it’s really a day by day thing.   I’m trying to get back into the routine of it all.    It does my heart good o know that I am not alone.  There are a few of us for various reasons all trying to get our mojo back.   I think that now that Spring is on the horizon that will help tremendously.

On today’s run we were talking about how the NJ Half is only a month away.   We are all know that it’s well past time to stop putting off on our training and that we need to get serious.   One thing that I was saying is that although I have been very happy not to have had an event on my calendar every month like in previous years, that it is much easier to put off running when your feel like your calendar is clear.  That will be something I will think about for next year.

For now though I am thinking only about getting out and running.

As I said today…

You don’t have to go far.   You don’t have to go fast.   You just have to go.

This will be my new manta for now.


So this week is off to a great start with 5 miles in the books.   Tomorrow will be a rest day with some blood work to see how things are going.   Then Wednesday, its time to get back out there.

Fake it Till You Feel it?

My new expression really seems to be…..

I’m just not feeling it.

So true.

I know I need to get running again.   This week I actually did start.   I’m proud to say that I went out for 3 three mile runs.    They were not fast.   They were not pretty, but they were all in a different season.   The first one was on a nice day.   The second one it was a cold rain.   Then the last one was run on a cold day with snow covering the ground.   That should count for something.

I guess it does, but

I’m so not feeling it.

Last month I had signed up for a 10K trail race.   I was smart enough to know that I would not be ready for more than that.   I realized that really I wasn’t even ready for that.   I’m sure that I could have gone out and got it done.    I’ve done crazier things than that in the past.    Like last year at this same race I ran what I refer to as a surprise marathon.   I was feeling it.   I had the drive.

Today and most days right now….

I’m not feeling it.


It’s more than my running too.   It’s just the way I feel right now about most things.    I’m not sure if it’s hormonal.   I’m not sure if it is the medicine’s that I’ve been taking.   I’m not sure if is the lower calcium levels that I’ve been fighting.   I’m just not sure.   I just know that I have not been myself.   I’ve been going through the motions like everyone else, but my heart has just not been in it like normal.    I’m normally a happy go lucky kind of person and I know this just isn’t me.   I’m working on it though.

I have always heard that recognizing there is a problem is the first step.   I recognize that I’m just not myself and will talk to my doctor about it.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue with the fake it till you feel it mentality.   Besides whether I like it or not, I really am officially entering marathon training.   I will go through the motions until I find the joy that I normally get not just from running but life in general.

This weekend I plan to look at marathon training plans.   I do not plan to follow one to the letter T, but I do want to figure out which one I will use as a general guideline.   This marathon will be interesting.   My first big race back running after surgery.    My first race that I will be in charge of my training.    I think I will like the flexibility of it even if I won’t be as prepared as in the past.   Who knows….. I may surprise myself.

What plan do you follow for marathon training?



No Regrets

5 Days

Yup that’s it.

The taper crazies are not setting in as I’ve got too much going on and could use the time away from running.   That being said, it doesn’t mean that my mind is not going.

I’ve been looking at the course.   I’ve been thinking about my goals.   I’ve been thinking about how far I’ve come and it’s been far.

Very far.

I started this journey just a few short years ago.    I think it’s been 5 years now.   How the time goes.

IMG_2278This is me when I started going to the gym.   When I decided it was time.    When never having even done a 5K, I signed up for my first Sprint Triathlon.    It was during this training that I realized that running wasn’t so bad.    That is was actually something to be enjoyed not just endured.    That I would miss it on days that I didn’t run.  That it would bring people into my life that I adore.   It also taught me that I could accomplish things I could only imagine if I just worked hard enough.

Then I thought about my last marathon (can’t believe I use the word last and not only).    I ran Marine Corps Marathon in 4:38:14.    It was a solid race, but there were things I would have done differently.   There were regrets.

 365840_210208824_XLarge(As a side note, I am only 10 pounds lighter here than in the picture above but look at those solid legs.    Remember the number on the scale can lie)

Now back to the story….

The other day I went out for 6 miles.   I spent a good portion of that run having a pep talk with myself reminding myself how far I’ve come.    I reminded myself that I’ve come even further since MCM.    That I am stronger now.   That I have already proven that I can go the distance.   That this year alone I’ve already run more than  1050 miles and still going strong.  Last year I literally was going out at the end of December to hit 1000.    That I am better trained that I was for MCM.   That I’m stronger and faster.  That I need to run (not walk) away from the NYC Marathon with one thing…


Yes, a little phycing out is a good thing.

I came up with my goal.   A realistic goal according to my coach too.

So what is my goal?

I want to run the NYCM in 4:30.

I’ve got a goal and now I’ve got a plan and don’t see a reason why I can’t reach it either.

No regrets.

As long as I give it all I’ve got.    As long as I don’t give up.   As long as I push to the end.

There will be


Can You Do It?

It’s hard not to compare yourself to others.   I wonder if it’s human nature.

Yesterday I completed my longest run since my 50K.    I ran 14 miles and to be honest, I didn’t run the whole thing.   During this time, the baddest BAMR that I know was completing her I believe third FULL Ironman.   She truly is amazing.

You know what?

Her amazing and mind boggling feats do not cancel out my hard fought 14 miles.

You know why?

It’s an apple and an orange.

Because I am in competition with no one but myself.   Yes, right now, I am not the best competitor, but still.

Some of us (and I admit sometimes me too, but only briefly) think….

I’ll never be as fast as….

I’ll never run as far as….

I’ll never be blah, blah, blah…

You know what?


It’s all noise.   It’s all a distraction.   It means nothing.    It keeps us from our potential. For a long time I let what others could do that I couldn’t hold me back.  I haven’t in a long time.   I have the feeling that Meb and others at the top of their game don’t do this.   Not because they are better than the rest of us (which lets be honest, they are).   It is because they have confidence in themselves and their abilities.   Yes, it’s probably much easier to do if your Meb, but there can only be one Meb.

 For the average person, having confidence in oneself is hard.   It means putting yourself out there even just in our own mind.    Sometimes we talk ourselves out of something by saying we can’t do it.  On some level it is easier to doubt ourselves than to try and then fail.  Hence the reason I haven’t really committed to a diet:(

Here’s the thing though……

If you don’t put yourself out there, how will you know what you can do?

Now I’m not saying that we all need to run marathons, complete an ironman, or even run any races.   I’m saying that we need to be honest with ourselves, our goals, and what we really want.    If you never set any goals, how will you know when you’ve gotten to where you want to go?

I have a friend whose goal is simply to run 3 times a week.   Another friend wants to qualify for Boston.   Others streak every day for a mininimum of a mile.   Some have BIG goals and others are just starting out and want to be able to run a mile.    No matter what the goal, no matter how big or small you think they are, it important to have them.

I’m beginning to wonder if this is my problem with my NYCM training.   Yes my goal last year was to quality which I did, but now I really don’t have a goal.   I’ve already run 2 road marathons.   Last year I set a private goal for the Marine Corps Marathon of finishing in 4:30 which I missed by 8 minutes and 14 seconds (yes, the seconds count).   So maybe part of my problem is that in the back of my mind I’m wondering if I won’t be able to do it this time either.  A little self sabotage goes a long way.

There is a saying that I love about children.   It speaks about how children become what you tell them they can or can not be.   The same thing applies to adults though.   If your inner voice says you can’t do something, you won’t ever do it.

So it’s time I take my own advice and remember……

It’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried in the first place.


What are your goals?

It’s Not Always Easy

We all have our doubts.   We all have our insecurities.   We all have our trigger points.  The part of growing is not only recognizing them, but accepting them and dealing with them and moving past them.

I come across as a very positive person.   For the most part I am a glass half full kind of gall.   I’m even the I am blessed to have a glass kind of gal.  I also may come across as a confident person not an obnoxiously confident  I’m better than you person, but the confidence in myself and abilities.

I’ll let you in on a little secret.

Some days I’m not.   The trick is on these days (and sometimes it is more than a day) is to push through.  It’s not always easy to face things.   Some days it is easy to get lost in the darkness.   Some days you need to remind yourself to push through.  It is easy to unpack and stay as even though it is a dark and scary, it can be easier to stay than move forward.   Sometimes it’s hard to move forward, but with each step it gets easier.  The more you move ahead, the brighter it becomes.


Some days I think to myself,

“why do I do all these races?”

“What is the point?”

“What are you trying to prove?”


“What is the point?”

Here’s my truth….

I was never athletic.   I am not a fast runner.   I do not look like the typical runner.   I am a middle of the pack runner who has yet to complete a marathon without walking.


I keep running.

Some days I must remind myself that is enough.

Some days I must be mindful not to  allow myself to talk myself in a way that I would never put up with from anyone else.

Some days I must remind myself that outside opinions do not matter.

Some days, I must remind myself that I am in competition with no one but myself.    That from where I started, I have come so far.   That I do this for no one but me.   That the point to this is what ever I want it to be.

I’ve been told by more than one person that they find me inspiring.   Every time I hear that I laugh a little to myself.   Some days I forget that I am not the same person that I was growing up.   That I have come so far and further than many people will ever realize.

The trick in not just our training but in life is to keep moving forward.   It’s ok to stumble, but each time you do

get up

dust yourself off


get moving again.

PS – I went out for 8 miles today:) 🙂

Yeah I Went There

I’ve tried to deny it.   I’ve wanted to pretend it doesn’t affect me.    In truth I wish I could be done with the whole thing, but alas I’ve still got time to go and it seems to get worse as I near the end of it.   My husband wouldn’t be shocked, but don’t tell him that I am admitting to it; but I suffer from PMS.

Yeah I went there.

Apparently, there aren’t too many places I won’t go:)

Actually there are, but this is a normal thing that women have to deal with month after month after month.

People don’t like to REALLY talk about it other than the off hand comments or jokes, but it’s real.   It sucks and it’s real.


    I always thought men were lucky at races zipping off to use a tree instead of being forced to wait for a porta potty but not dealing with this makes them even luckier.    I wonder if they have anything that effects their moods, water retention, and energy levels every month.    My husband may say me, but he best be careful what time of the month he says that!  Of course if men had to deal with this, it would be a medical epidemic that needed to be studied and a pill designed to fix it.

One thing I will say is that I do notice is that the older I’m getting, the worse it is getting.    Maybe it is because I’m hopefully nearing it’s inevitable end, but then I think there will be a whole host of other things to deal with.    Maybe it is getting worse because in years past, I wasn’t trying to do anything when suffering with it except maybe hide the chocolate and sneak in a nap.   Now I’m out there trying to run a workout and sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

Case in point.

  Friday I knew it was going to be hot, so I went to my local gym to run my cut-down.   I had 8 miles starting easy but getting progressively harder.   I knew it wouldn’t be easy to do in the heat and even though I hate treadmill running it needed to be done.   I get there realizing I forget my towel and also that I wont’ have enough time to do the whole thing.   Already decide to shorten it to 6.    Get set up and go.   By mile 2 physically, I’m moving right along.    Then my headphones die.   NO MUSIC!    They gym does have tv’s but they are all replaying/analyzing the tragedy in Nice.   Now I run to take a break from all the crap in the world.   I need this down time.  This is not what I want to focus on for the next hour.    I end up shortening the run to a 3.2 miles and calling it a day.   Quick miles, but not the miles I should have run and on any other day of the month I probably would have sucked it up.

The following day,  I had 10 miles on the books.   Again due to kids schedule, I know that I won’t have time to complete them all once I adjust (sloooooow down) my pace for the scorching heat (high 80’s – remember this is Jersey not Texas).    Get out there and even though I’ve been running in heat, somehow it feels even hotter.   I want to bag my run almost immediately.   My mind starts with “why are you sabotaging yourself after 2 great weeks of training”  and “what is the point of even doing this.”   The run is a struggle.   My mind is pure negativity.   I have muscle aches.   My stomach isn’t right. My pace is even slower than the slow pace I wanted.   Luckily, I run away from home, so there was no going back until I got in some decent miles.   I ended up finishing with 8 which I’m ok with, but it was not pretty.   I was ready at the end to hang up my running shoes by the end and not just for the day.

Then I had my aha moment.    It’s not that what I’m doing is pointless.   It’s not that I’m a sucky runner.    It’s not that I am trying to self sabotage.   It honestly and simply is that I was suffering (and if you’ve never experienced it you won’t understand why I used the word suffering) with PMS.   Men think it’s an excuse.   Men don’t think it’s real, but the fact is that it affects a lot of us in various ways. It’s also not funny.   I’m just really starting to realize how it affects me.    I so can’t wait to be done with it all.

There is an upside

not much, but I always try to find the silver lining.


I think that PMS makes me a stronger runner mentally.   It sometimes wins the battle, but the fact that month after month I have this negative voice in my head that I have to shut down and work around makes me stronger. It’s like having to prove to the bully that teases you that you aren’t good enough that in fact you ARE good enough.   Then there are the aches, pains, and tenderness that come with it.    I still run through them (most of the time).    This will help on those hard and long runs.

I’m not saying that PMS effects every woman.   I’m not saying that even those that deal with it have the same issues that I do.   This is just me:)

I know I’m not the only one.   I just might be the only one to put it out there:)





Real Friends Don’t Let You Skip Your Run!

 Everybody needs somebody.  I’ve said before since coming off the Dirty German I’m in a bit of a slump.   I think it’s like being a kid on Christmas morning and opening the last present and then realizing there is nothing more.   Yes, I’ve got New York City in November but that’s a long time away.   I’m mentally not there.   Right now, I’m mentally just trying to get back into the rhythm of training.   It’s actually important to keep my arobic base now so that when I do start the training for NYCM I’m not starting from square one.

Here’s the problem.


I really don’t care.   I want to just sit and eat bon bons.    The problem with that is my metabolism won’t allow me to sit and eat bon bons.   Boo Hoo.   Besides it’s not that I don’t love running.   It’s not that I don’t need running.    It’s just the schedule.   I’ll be honest though without a schedule my 8 mile run might only be a 5 mile run.   That would mean my 5 miles would only be 3 and so forth and so forth.

Schedule are good.

Schedules are necessary.

I will say my coach does a really great job of scheduling too.

I think once the end of the school year is over, I will be better.   Just so much as I’ve said before.

Too much.

That being said,   at this point what really is keeping me going and honest in my training (although I haven’t been 100%) is my friends.    I think with everything in life friends make everything better!    This morning I was sitting on the couch drinking my coffee knowing that I had 8 miles that needed to be done.   I was contemplating just staying there when my friend texted me she was getting ready to leave for her run and did I want to join her.   It gave me the incentive to get my behind off the couch.

I know that when I’m dedicated to my training, I will do what needs to be done.   I will put the miles in at the required paces.   I will also do many of these miles alone as I don’t mind.   That being said, there is something to be said when your just not feeling it to have your friends nudge you along,  to keep you honest, to remind you that this is something you really like doing, and most of all to keep you company.





Be Who You Are

I’ve never been the cool kid.

I’ve never been the athletic kid.

I’ve never been the picked for a team first kid.

Actually, I was usually one of the last kids.

You know what?


Be who you are

Today is my birthday and it makes you reflect on things.

  As a kid you always think these things are the worst thing in the world.  Even if someone told you otherwise, you would never have believed them.  You think your life is set in stone.   You think that these things are the end of the world.   Then you become an adult and realize that none of it matters.

Not in the least.

The older I get the more comfortable I’ve gotten in my own skin.

I’m actually pretty cool

I’m actually with the right sport pretty athletic.

They should have picked me first.   They don’t know what they were missing if they had just given me a chance.

I bet I could out run them now:)

I will say that these things and other things in my childhood shaped the way I look at the world.   Would I change some of them.   Probably so, but then I don’t know if I would be the person that I am today.   These things shaped the way I look at the world.    For me, I think these things shaped me for the better..

I’m more empathetic.

I usually root for the underdog.

I fight a little harder for things.

I never give up.

and most of all….

I know that I am a survivor.

These are all very good traits and the last two are very useful in my running life too.    I am now less than a month away from the Dirty German.   My first foray into the Ultra Running.   My training as of late has been spotty with my ankle, but I’m back on track.   You think I would be worried, but I’m not.   No, I do NOT think this is going to be easy.   That being said, I’m also not panicking (yet).   I’m pretty calm about it.   I think what helped is that I did do the trail marathon in January.   It wasn’t easy, but I also didn’t feel like I was going to die.   I also didn’t feel like I couldn’t have kept going.   Yes, that was January and this is now.    But I’m still feeling pretty solid in this.   My training up until my ankle was solid.   Rock solid.   I’m not going into this for time, but time on my feet.

Besides I’m tenacious, don’t like to give up, and like to do things that surprise people.   Even myself:)


I Didn’t Ask for any Lemons!


Yeah, we have all heard the “If Life Gives You Lemons” analogy.   You know what?   I find that a pretty sucky analogy because sometimes you don’t want lemonade.   Sometimes you want a Margarita!    That being said though I tend to be a pretty positive person because I learned early on you’ve just got to suck it up no matter what.   So if you’ve got to suck on a lemon because that is all you got, you better learn to like lemons.

Now just because I tend to be a positive person does not mean that things don’t get to me.   I am not a cartoon character after all.   So 7 days ago when i rolled my ankle, I was mad at myself.    Then when I realized that this was more than just a give it a few days rest kind of roll, I had a what the Hell moment.   I went through the stages (quickly) because as I’ve said I’ve learned long ago that you just have to roll with it.


Maybe it’s not that bad


Why did I go out for a run at night?   Idiot.


I’ll rest it a couple more days and I’ll be good as new


I’m loosing everything I’ve worked so hard to build up.   Why bother?


Well I better do something to give my ankle/foot time to be 100%


Still not 100%.   Bruising is getting better.  No pain to walk, but do feel it at the end of the day.   Also not good to run as when I stretch it to mimic a run it hurts.  Boo Hoo.

I know that I rolled my ankle pretty bad.   I know I totally jacked up my foot.   Not enough to go to the doctors because he is just going to tell me what I already know.   I need to rest it.   I need to give it time.   I need to do this now, so that I can go about my life.

I will say that nothing compares to running, but I am going to embrace this SHORT recovery time while not letting my endurance slip.    It won’t be the same.   It won’t be as good, but maybe just maybe when I do start running again I will find that what I’m doing will benefit my running.

Sounds like good enough BS that I can buy it.   Although there is some truth to it and cross training really is good for runners.

So today I went to my local gym.    I rode the stationary bike for 15 minutes for a total of 3. 37 miles burning a whole 120 calories.   Whoop.  Whoop.  (inserting sarcasm here).  Then I did some strength training for my abs, back, and arms.   I do need to do this as they say “a woman my age” should be strength training.   I’m sure I will feel it tomorrow which will make me not so secretly happy.

I’m going to plan some things out this week.   Swimming, more strength training, longer stationary bike rides and a combo of all of them.

I may not get any lemonade or Margarita’s but maybe I can learn to like the lemons on their own.

PS   – I miss running