There is something to be said about waiting until you are ready to do something to actually start. There was no dread today. There was no, “I’ve go to go out for a run today,” said with dread.
None of it.
Today was a “I am going to go out for my run as soon as I’m done with my coffee” kind of day.
I can tell it has been a hot minute since I’ve seriously run as I couldn’t find my Garmin. Still can’t. Still looking, but I also didn’t let that deter me or stop me from getting out the door.
I was excited. It was a perfect day for running. The not too hot. Not too cold kind of day. No jacket required. At least for me as I always run hot.
My NYC Half training plan stated with a 3 mile run and that’s what I did. I didn’t watch pace, but did keep it as a conversational pace which I 100% did as I was on the phone the whole time! I walked when I got out of breath, but for the most part stayed at a stead pace.
Not too shabby if I do say so myself!
In all seriousness….. Not too shabby. I have not been doing anything unless you count testing and eating Christmas cookies. I’ve done a few walks, but have not run since I really don’t know when. Hopefully this is the beginning of a good training cycle.
I’ve got a plan loaded into Training Peaks. I am doing the Hal Higdon Novice 1, because let’s face it…..I am starting from scratch.
One day at a time…. One run at a time…. One workout at a time.
This is what it feels like to have fire again:)
This is what it is like to remember to show up for yourself.
I had thought about it, but was not motivated. I could not force it. I could not fake it until I felt it. I just wasn’t there.
Not even a smidgen.
I couldn’t pretend. I couldn’t show up. It’s not even that I wasn’t motivated. It is that I just didn’t care. I didn’t miss running. I didn’t miss working out. I didn’t even have a spark.
I was tired. Like really, really tired. Now to be honest, I’m still tired. I’m still sore. I’ve still got a lot of things going on. Working full time, baking, and medical stuff. But there is a difference now.
I am actually ready to begin. I am not being forced into it. I want to do it. This is good now too because I got into the NYC Half Marathon. My training plan starts next week and here’s the thing……… I am excited to be starting. I am excited to try again.
I do also have a motivation. I had my physical earlier this month. Somethings expected. Things like being overweight. Cholesterol going up a little bit but not enough for medication which I am happy about. I don’t want to add anything else as the Hypopara is enough. Super High urine calcium levels as always (due to meds/calcium needed for the Hypopara) – Not unexpected, but concerning. Not much to do right now as I don’t qualify for the trial of the PTH therapy. The surprise was the pre-diabetes.
Whelp……….
That will be a wake up call.
Although this wasn’t what made me ready to start. This was the final motivation to do so. Timed perfectly with getting into the NYC Half.
So here is being ready to train. Missing the feeling of running and wanting to be better. What is nice is that I will be doing a recheck of my labs in March to see if a follow up is needed, but this is same time as the HM.
Here’s to doing better.
Here’s to feeling better.
And most of all….
Here is to actually wanting to Start again.
I’ve already taken the first step and started at a gym getting set up to work out.
I know it won’t be easy. I know my body will resist. I will be sore. I will be tired…… but here’s the thing
This year, I set a “simple” goal of completing one event either virtual or in person a month. We are on month 8 and so far so good. Most events have been in person. This month I have yet to decide on weather I will do an in person event at end of the month or a virtual one, but it will get done.
I’ve done these events because that was my goal for the year. I said it, so you know I was going to follow through. This was my only goal for the year and at the time I set it, that was enough.
It is no longer enough. While I am not ready to say I am jumping in to training for a marathon, I’ve realized that I want to do more. ( I will add with the heat this summer, my crazy schedule, and again the heat; I am so happy not to be training for anything!). I am also not saying that I will be doing one next year, but I am at the point I am questioning/thinking about the day I will be ready.
So with that being said, I’m planning for 2024. Thinking….. Do I want to do a marathon? Do I want to do 9 plus 1 to get into NYC marathon for 2025? Do I want to only run Half Marathon’s as a goal. What to do? What to do? Fortunately I have time to decide, but I also want to put myself in a position to be able to make these choices.
So short term but very real and concrete goals that need to be met to put me on the path for future goals.
Goal # 1 –
I need to loose a minimum of 20 pounds.
Will it be easy? Hell no.
Do I like tracking my food? Not in the least.
Is making this a goal necessary? You bet.
I am the heaviest I’ve every been non pregnant. And while I don’t really care about my round belly, I also know that it is not good for me for multiple reasons. So it is time, I do something about it. Like everyone, I know it won’t be easy, my metabolism is a zero and with Hypopara it can be more challenging.
Here’s the thing……. I CAN DO HARD THINGS.
So game on. One week in and it seems to be working. I’m tracking which is getting me thinking about my choices.
If I want to get myself into a position where I have choices to run longer, I need to get my weight down as for me it will have an impact on running with my feet issues.
Goal # 2 –
RUN & Cross Train
While I don’t know what my last event this year will be, I want to run it and run it comfortably. Run a 5K as a 5K. Also this will put me into a position to decide what goals I want to set next year.
On top of tracking my food, I started challenging myself to close all of my rings on my apple watch. Not just calories burned, but also completing 20 minutes of exercise a day.
I also know that I ran my best when I did more than just running. So I need to as I work on my running, cross train. I literally have a full gym in my garage. So I need to use it! I have started a Fiton program to do that
Goal # 3
Start all of this where I am today not where I was and realize that I will get where I need to go. You don’t start driving in 4th gear, so I can’t start this program where I want to be.
Reality is what it is and when you don’t live in it that is when you will have issues.
Almost one week down and so far so good. Yeah, I know it’s only been a week; but you must celebrate your successes. One week at a time. Sometimes one day at a time.
Waiting, ignoring and waiting some more to start is also a choice.
I feel like I am always waiting for the shoe to drop. Waiting. Wondering. When is it going to drop and what will happen when it does.
Here is the thing. What if I stop waiting for the shoe to drop and put them on and just run with it.
Easier said than done, but I’m trying.
What you do when no one is watching is more important than when you have an audience. (I know that is pretty funny being as I’m writing this for my blog, but there are only a handful of you who read. So I’m good:) )
Here is the thing…. Everyone is doing their own thing. Focused on their own goals, dreams, and trying to figure out their own path. No two paths are ever the same even if they are parallel. Everyone also has a reason for where they are on their path.
For me….. (I know broken record)……. I was in a good place right before my thyroid surgery and becoming Hypopara. I was running the fastest I’ve run (the whole sub 2 NYC Half). I was at a good weight. I was also running longest distances with not just a marathon but completing my one and so far only 50k. Things were good. Right up until they weren’t.
Isn’t that the same for everyone though. No one knows what will happen in their lives. No one can predict with certainty where they will be, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t still decide where they want to go. I forgot that……
I’ve given up on having control thinking that my weight, my running, my everything was out of my control due to Hypopara, age and metabolism. Treding water just thinking that was all I could do. Silently struggling and not even knowing I was taking on water?
Often you don’t realize how much you have been struggling until you get to the side and hold on, looking back and thinking about the struggle. We live in a society where strength is revered. Being a Bad Ass is a complement. We are told to power through and push through. Never being told that we need and should take a moment to breathe.
It is only when we exhale, can we see how much we needed the air.
So here I am on the exhale realizing that I’ve been waiting for change to happen…… Yes, I’ve met with nutritionists, I’ve gone through motions,, I’ve complained, I’ve lamented, I’ve waited and waited and waited…… I’m not sure what I was waiting for, but think I finally realized what I was waiting for……….
I was waiting for me.
I was waiting for me to be sick and tired of making excuses even if they are valid. I was waiting to get the fire back that I was trying to force myself to have. I was waiting to decide that I’m not just going through the motions, but that I want to do them. I was waiting to decide that I am ready to set goals and actually stick to them. I was waiting to exhale.
So here I am setting concrete goals, working toward them and realizing that I will be doing them because I actually want to and not because I feel like I need to. My first event was almost 10 years ago. I had fire. I had drive and I had will and it was all internal.
Often we live in fear and don’t even realize it. We wait for the shoe to drop. We expect the worst. We don’t even realize that it is there, because it almost becomes part of us. What fear does most though is the way it holds us back. We think, if I do this then X will happen. I can’t do this because Y will happen. So then nothing happens. We stand still and fear wins even if we don’t recognize it as what it is.
I have been letting fear hold me back. Now, don’t get me wrong….. there is a HUGE difference between being responsible, smart and listening to experts advice. There is also something to be said for not going in all willy nilly and not taking facts into consideration.
FACTS……
I have Hypoparthyroidism
I need to balance keeping my serum calcium levels in check while keeping my urine levels in check. (Yes, it is harder than it sounds)
Currently, running longer distances requires more calcium supplements which raises urine calcium levels. As does running faster paces.
I am currently under the care of a Endocrinologist whom not only do I feel, but 100% know understands this crazy disorder.
I am very lucky!
So with all of these hard and true facts, there is also some truth that needs to be faced. Due to fear of pushing my body too hard, I realized that I have not been pushing it enough. There are also some extenuating circumstances.
EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES……
There are only so many hours in the day and I have been burning the bridge at both ends….. between work, taking classes for CDA (Child Development Associate), my home baking business, my home, and trying to have a life; I have not been pushing myself to follow a routine.
But there is light at the tunnel. I have completed all my CDA classes, had the required evaluation and preparing to take the state test next month. I am also looking forward to only working 3 mornings a week over the summer and I realize I set the schedule for my home baking business.
Yesterday, I continued my goal of running one event a month. I haven’t been running or training as mentioned above. Yet, I ended up running (walking some) and finishing well.
As my friend said who I ran with (slightly paraphrasing) …….. You don’t run or train, yet you pull running a 5K out of your ass like you did the 10K in January. So shut up.
So with that….. I will not shut up because you know I can’t. What I will do though is stop letting the fear of failure, the fear of not being where I think I should be therefor keeping me from where I could go, and the fear of what if’s from keeping me from what I can do.
What I can do is face each day with hope, the knowledge that it will be what it will be and there are no guarantees.
Often when starting out, we pick up where we left off. If we were a runner, we go out for a longer run than we should. If we were a yogi, we don’t go to the beginner yoga class. If we were a gym rat, we pick up the heavier weights. Very rarely do we go back to the beginning…… or is that just me?????
Please tell me it’s not just me??????
So here’s the thing, stepping back to “shorter” distances in running has me going back to the basics with my running. I am thinking about form. I am thinking about control of my pace. I’m thinking about speed workouts. The basics.
I have also been thinking about my cross training. Back in the day, I 3 was a champion cross trainer. I did classes. I rode my bike. I was a 3-4 day a week crossfiter. I was a badass.
Here’s the thing…… I am still a badass. I am just a different level badass. What makes me a badass is not the amount of weight I’m lifting, how fast I’m running, or any of those things. It is that I consistently (mostly) show up. That I keep plugging away. Bobbing and weaving and just keep going. That being said, I realized that just like my running; I need to step back.
I’ve been doing the Fiton classes which I really enjoy. I’ve been using weights and machines in my home gym. I’ve been doing all these things trying to push myself into a level that I am not at or comfortable sustaining. This makes it easier to stop showing up, because I’m showing up to a party I am not properly dressed for. So I’m stepping back and getting ready for the party. Just like when I started this fitness journey back in 2014 or so I didn’t start with Crossfit, I need to start with the basics.
This is not a step back. It is reality. It is meeting my body where it is and not where I want it to be, think it should be, or pretend it is. Reality isn’t always what we want, but if you pretend it is something else often you will give up and never really move forward. So how am I going back to the basics? Just like it sounds…… I am starting from the beginning.
I am doing beginner workouts on Fiton. I am not trying to be more than what I am. I am rebuilding. I am putting the weights down and starting from scratch doing body weight workouts. I am doing knee pushups, low impact. I am being smart. I will add these things as my body regains strength, endurance and in a way that builds up to it.
In doing this I have found that I am being more consistent. I am recognizing that I can push myself with where I am now and eventually by doing so I will get to where I want to be. You can’t get to your destination if you always trying to start at the finish line.
So here I am, back to where I was when I first started this blog. The beginning. Although with the hypopara, weighing more than I did back then, and now being several years older I might be starting even further back…….. That’s ok though because I know where I want to go, have a plan how to get there and am not giving up which is half the battle.
We show up for work. We show up for school. We show up for our friends, for all our responsibilities and we show up for so many things that we don’t even want to but feel we need to. We show up for everyone and everything else that often we forget to show up for ourselves.
Wait what????
We forget to show up for ourselves by letting people treat us wrong for too long. For not standing up for ourselves. For constantly putting the to do list before ourselves. No don’t get me wrong, there are times where it is pertinent and necessary for others and our to do list to come first. The problem is we often make that a pattern. We often make that the norm. We often say I need to do this, this, and this first. Then I will take care of myself
STOP THAT!
I realized that part of my issue with getting back on track is that before I would do a work out, before I would plan for my meals, before I would take care of myself; I felt I needed to take care of everything else. That everything else list has and always will be long long… Long… And never ending
I’m working towards my CDA. Lots of time there.
I started a home baking business and often have orders
I have a job outside the home that I am required to show up for.
I have a home and family that requires tending
Here’s the thing, though… I never put myself on the list or at the top of the list recently. And if I’m not on the list, then I’m not a priority. The things that I need to do for me are not getting done. I make sure everyone else in my home is taken care of up to, and including my pets. I forgot about me
Wow, many things on my to do list need to be done. There is still time in the day for me though. It will require planning/. It will require prioritizing. Most of all it will require knowing that I should….. No, that I need to be on the list as well!! So with that being said , I am making myself a priority. Yes cookies need to be baked, dinners need to be made and jobs need to be done, but there is still time for me.
Do you make time for you? So many of us especially mothers are used to putting everyone and everything before us but when the pattern does not allow for any time, there is a problem.
Since I have started putting myself on the list……
Workouts are getting done
My own meal planning is getting priority (loving meal service).
I have lots of complicated relationships. To be honest, who doesn’t?
I love my blog, but I have not been great about blogging recently…… Complicated
I love to run, but haven’t been running much lately……. Complicated.
I want a clean house, but I hate to waste time cleaning it….. Complicated
I want to be a size 8 or honestly I would take 10 at this point, yet really don’t do what is necessary to make that happen…… Complicated.
I miss running with my friends, yet don’t seem to have the time to meet up with them as our schedules don’t mix….. Complicated.
I have a VERY complicated relationship with food. To be honest, who doesn’t?
The problem I have is the all or nothing mentality and often we might be the ones complicating things more than they need to be.
As I previously mentioned, I’ve met with a nutrionist a few times now. She has given me some good feedback. We have talked about different food choices, adding more protein to diet and less carbs, and looking at better options overall. Things that most of us all know, but she has given some good tips. Overall it has been worth it.
Here is the complication though……. While I know everything she says is valid, I am beginning to wonder if I have the conviction to actually follow through. So far the answer to that will be a resounding no. I can’t even get myself to track my food choices for a day or two. Now maybe it’s because I know where I’m going off track and I don’t want a paper trail to remind me. Maybe it’s because I’m not determined enough to follow through. Maybe….. Maybe….. Maybe….
There are so many reasons we don’t reach where we think we want to go and I maybe to the point where I, honestly, am not sure I want to got there anymore.
I just had my physical in December. Cholesterol only went up 4 points and blood pressure is still really good. So while I have all the other stuff with my Hypopara going against me, relatively everything else is looking ok.
So now the questions I need to ask……
What do I really want and what am I willing to do for it?
Simple.
Yet, complicated….
Answers will be coming shortly and probably changing as time passes.
I’ve been trying to answer this question. To see where I am. What my body can do. What mentally I am prepared to do. I think I have the answer.
Am I ready to run a virtual NYC Marathon?
Hell no.
Am I ready to complete 26.2 miles for Sandy Hook Promise for a NYC Virtual Marathon?
Yes…. With in reason
I need to be smart. I need to be reasonable and most of all…… I need to check the ego.
This past Sunday, I went out with one agenda. Ok maybe 2. To plan my route which will consistent of “loops” from a local park. I am hoping to have people join me for parts of the “race” and thought this would be a great way to do it. There will be loops in the park going out to longer loop leaving park. This way some can come for shorter or longer distances. I went with no pace plan. No time frame. No nothing. Just the loops and to hit 13 miles.
I did it.
Not too shabby either
How you ask?
By not being an idiot. Ok, anymore of an idiot than thinking of finishing a marathon. I walked. I ran slowly. I walked. I stopped at my car at end of first loop. I stopped to rub feet. I refuled. I took my time. I had no… I need to be faster. I need to hit this pace. I should blah, blah, blah
I just did it
I did it knowing that I could do it. I did it knowing that I could do more. I did it knowing that my body has done this again. I did this with the thought never again….. but maybe I just mean a virtual. Most of all I did this knowing that honestly there will come a day that I can’t do this, but (blank) no, that day is not today. So I will do this.
It will be hard. My feet will hurt. My hands will swell. I will be tired. I most definitely will be sore. I will be slow. I will like every marathon question my wisdom, BUT I PLAN TO FINISH WHAT I SET OUT TO DO!
So the date is set, October 22.
The time is set…. Starting at 8:30
The pace is what it will be.
The reason is clear……… I am running for Sandy Hook Promise and the promise of a better day for our children.
I have not been doing what I should have been doing.
Some might say, that I’ve been slacking.
Maybe I have.
Maybe I have not.
I’ve really just been doing what I can to get by. Could I have pushed myself to do more? You bet! Did I want to? Eeeee….. a little but not enough to actually push. I’ve been really tired lately. We all are collectively tired. We all have responsibilites. Things that weigh on our minds. Things we know we should do, but don’t. Things we want to do, but also can’t. It is a vicious cycle.
After a hard reset where I am consulting with a dieticion, asking myself hard questions, and actally trying to put the pieces where they belong not necessarily where I want them to fit, I’ve come up with some ideas.
Here is the thing, if you know me you know that if I set my mind to do something; I am going to do it. If I make a commitement, I will see it through. Most of all, if you know anything about me; you know that Sandy Hook Promise is my jam. You know that as much as they need supporters like us, I feel the very real need to be part of the solution. (You can read about why they are important to me here….https://www.sandyhookpromise.org/blog/volunteer-resources/holiday-reflections-from-a-promise-leader/ )
So here is the deal, I am not ready to run a marathon. Virtual or not. I think part of my issue also is that being virtual, I let things slide that I would not have if I knew I would be at a start line with 50,000 people. Although I’ve done virtual marathon before that I was ready for, this year was different.
Here is my dilemma….. I said I was going to do it. I want to do it. I am committed to doing it. So I am going to do it. It won’t be what I imagined but it will be what is “smart” and what I physically think that I can do if not just a little out of my reach. Isn’t that what a marathon is all about anyone. It literally may take me all day to do it, but I will do it.
Now even though my training has not been stellar, that does not mean I’ve been sedentary. Remember I just completed a Sprint Triathlon. My runs may not have been long, but my cardio fitness is strong. Today due to the rain, I took it inside……. 90 minutes on stationary bike. Biking just under 30 miles. Then an hour on treadmill for just under 4.5 miles. So not a couch potato. I also felt like I could have kept going, but there were things to be done today.
I also just ordered new shoes, because I realize that I’ve been wearing and running in LAST YEAR’S marathon shoes. Not good. Shoes should arrive in another day or so.
So here is the plan…..
4 six mile loops at the park. I will ask my local peeps to join me for a loop, for a portion of the loop or just cheer me on from home. I will do some running. I will do a lot of walking. There will be some instagram/facebook posting. Hopefully there will be no crawling or crying but you know, it is a marathon. Anything is possible. In looking at the guidelines for the virtual marathon, it just needs to be one continuous run in Strava completed in 24 hours.
Easy, Peasy. Lemon Squeazy….
Oh wait….
Probably not, but it will be what it will be.
But it will happen and I hope you are there in any way that you can be. Also feel free to share my fundraising efforts with your friends and family, because as we know their efforts to bring change are needed more now than ever!
The Accidentally Running Mama 