Just Put on the Shoes

Giving up is a choice.

Starting is a choice.

Waiting, ignoring and waiting some more to start is also a choice.

I feel like I am always waiting for the shoe to drop. Waiting. Wondering. When is it going to drop and what will happen when it does.

Here is the thing. What if I stop waiting for the shoe to drop and put them on and just run with it.

Easier said than done, but I’m trying.

What you do when no one is watching is more important than when you have an audience. (I know that is pretty funny being as I’m writing this for my blog, but there are only a handful of you who read. So I’m good:) )

Here is the thing…. Everyone is doing their own thing. Focused on their own goals, dreams, and trying to figure out their own path. No two paths are ever the same even if they are parallel. Everyone also has a reason for where they are on their path.

For me….. (I know broken record)……. I was in a good place right before my thyroid surgery and becoming Hypopara. I was running the fastest I’ve run (the whole sub 2 NYC Half). I was at a good weight. I was also running longest distances with not just a marathon but completing my one and so far only 50k. Things were good. Right up until they weren’t.

Isn’t that the same for everyone though. No one knows what will happen in their lives. No one can predict with certainty where they will be, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t still decide where they want to go. I forgot that……

I’ve given up on having control thinking that my weight, my running, my everything was out of my control due to Hypopara, age and metabolism. Treding water just thinking that was all I could do. Silently struggling and not even knowing I was taking on water?

Often you don’t realize how much you have been struggling until you get to the side and hold on, looking back and thinking about the struggle. We live in a society where strength is revered. Being a Bad Ass is a complement. We are told to power through and push through. Never being told that we need and should take a moment to breathe.

It is only when we exhale, can we see how much we needed the air.

So here I am on the exhale realizing that I’ve been waiting for change to happen…… Yes, I’ve met with nutritionists, I’ve gone through motions,, I’ve complained, I’ve lamented, I’ve waited and waited and waited…… I’m not sure what I was waiting for, but think I finally realized what I was waiting for……….

I was waiting for me.

I was waiting for me to be sick and tired of making excuses even if they are valid. I was waiting to get the fire back that I was trying to force myself to have. I was waiting to decide that I’m not just going through the motions, but that I want to do them. I was waiting to decide that I am ready to set goals and actually stick to them. I was waiting to exhale.

So here I am setting concrete goals, working toward them and realizing that I will be doing them because I actually want to and not because I feel like I need to. My first event was almost 10 years ago. I had fire. I had drive and I had will and it was all internal.

I am there again.

Stay tuned……

Stepping Out of Fear

May22

Often we live in fear and don’t even realize it. We wait for the shoe to drop. We expect the worst. We don’t even realize that it is there, because it almost becomes part of us. What fear does most though is the way it holds us back. We think, if I do this then X will happen. I can’t do this because Y will happen. So then nothing happens. We stand still and fear wins even if we don’t recognize it as what it is.

I have been letting fear hold me back. Now, don’t get me wrong….. there is a HUGE difference between being responsible, smart and listening to experts advice. There is also something to be said for not going in all willy nilly and not taking facts into consideration.

FACTS……

I have Hypoparthyroidism

I need to balance keeping my serum calcium levels in check while keeping my urine levels in check. (Yes, it is harder than it sounds)

Currently, running longer distances requires more calcium supplements which raises urine calcium levels. As does running faster paces.

I am currently under the care of a Endocrinologist whom not only do I feel, but 100% know understands this crazy disorder.

I am very lucky!

So with all of these hard and true facts, there is also some truth that needs to be faced. Due to fear of pushing my body too hard, I realized that I have not been pushing it enough. There are also some extenuating circumstances.

EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES……

There are only so many hours in the day and I have been burning the bridge at both ends….. between work, taking classes for CDA (Child Development Associate), my home baking business, my home, and trying to have a life; I have not been pushing myself to follow a routine.

But there is light at the tunnel. I have completed all my CDA classes, had the required evaluation and preparing to take the state test next month. I am also looking forward to only working 3 mornings a week over the summer and I realize I set the schedule for my home baking business.

Yesterday, I continued my goal of running one event a month. I haven’t been running or training as mentioned above. Yet, I ended up running (walking some) and finishing well.

As my friend said who I ran with (slightly paraphrasing) …….. You don’t run or train, yet you pull running a 5K out of your ass like you did the 10K in January. So shut up.

So with that….. I will not shut up because you know I can’t. What I will do though is stop letting the fear of failure, the fear of not being where I think I should be therefor keeping me from where I could go, and the fear of what if’s from keeping me from what I can do.

What I can do is face each day with hope, the knowledge that it will be what it will be and there are no guarantees.

Back to Basics

May2

Often when starting out, we pick up where we left off. If we were a runner, we go out for a longer run than we should. If we were a yogi, we don’t go to the beginner yoga class. If we were a gym rat, we pick up the heavier weights. Very rarely do we go back to the beginning…… or is that just me?????

Please tell me it’s not just me??????

So here’s the thing, stepping back to “shorter” distances in running has me going back to the basics with my running. I am thinking about form. I am thinking about control of my pace. I’m thinking about speed workouts. The basics.

I have also been thinking about my cross training. Back in the day, I 3 was a champion cross trainer. I did classes. I rode my bike. I was a 3-4 day a week crossfiter. I was a badass.

Here’s the thing…… I am still a badass. I am just a different level badass. What makes me a badass is not the amount of weight I’m lifting, how fast I’m running, or any of those things. It is that I consistently (mostly) show up. That I keep plugging away. Bobbing and weaving and just keep going. That being said, I realized that just like my running; I need to step back.

I’ve been doing the Fiton classes which I really enjoy. I’ve been using weights and machines in my home gym. I’ve been doing all these things trying to push myself into a level that I am not at or comfortable sustaining. This makes it easier to stop showing up, because I’m showing up to a party I am not properly dressed for. So I’m stepping back and getting ready for the party. Just like when I started this fitness journey back in 2014 or so I didn’t start with Crossfit, I need to start with the basics.

This is not a step back. It is reality. It is meeting my body where it is and not where I want it to be, think it should be, or pretend it is. Reality isn’t always what we want, but if you pretend it is something else often you will give up and never really move forward. So how am I going back to the basics? Just like it sounds…… I am starting from the beginning.

I am doing beginner workouts on Fiton. I am not trying to be more than what I am. I am rebuilding. I am putting the weights down and starting from scratch doing body weight workouts. I am doing knee pushups, low impact. I am being smart. I will add these things as my body regains strength, endurance and in a way that builds up to it.

In doing this I have found that I am being more consistent. I am recognizing that I can push myself with where I am now and eventually by doing so I will get to where I want to be. You can’t get to your destination if you always trying to start at the finish line.

So here I am, back to where I was when I first started this blog. The beginning. Although with the hypopara, weighing more than I did back then, and now being several years older I might be starting even further back…….. That’s ok though because I know where I want to go, have a plan how to get there and am not giving up which is half the battle.

It’s once again….. Go time.

Showing Up

Mar29

We show up for work. We show up for school. We show up for our friends, for all our responsibilities and we show up for so many things that we don’t even want to but feel we need to. We show up for everyone and everything else that often we forget to show up for ourselves.

Wait what????

We forget to show up for ourselves by letting people treat us wrong for too long. For not standing up for ourselves. For constantly putting the to do list before ourselves. No don’t get me wrong, there are times where it is pertinent and necessary for others and our to do list to come first. The problem is we often make that a pattern. We often make that the norm. We often say I need to do this, this, and this first. Then I will take care of myself

STOP THAT!

I realized that part of my issue with getting back on track is that before I would do a work out, before I would plan for my meals, before I would take care of myself; I felt I needed to take care of everything else. That everything else list has and always will be long long… Long… And never ending

I’m working towards my CDA. Lots of time there.

I started a home baking business and often have orders

I have a job outside the home that I am required to show up for.

I have a home and family that requires tending

Here’s the thing, though… I never put myself on the list or at the top of the list recently. And if I’m not on the list, then I’m not a priority. The things that I need to do for me are not getting done. I make sure everyone else in my home is taken care of up to, and including my pets. I forgot about me

Wow, many things on my to do list need to be done. There is still time in the day for me though. It will require planning/. It will require prioritizing. Most of all it will require knowing that I should….. No, that I need to be on the list as well!! So with that being said , I am making myself a priority. Yes cookies need to be baked, dinners need to be made and jobs need to be done, but there is still time for me.

Do you make time for you? So many of us especially mothers are used to putting everyone and everything before us but when the pattern does not allow for any time, there is a problem.

Since I have started putting myself on the list……

Workouts are getting done

My own meal planning is getting priority (loving meal service).

Feeling better and actually less stressed

How do you show up for yourself?

Complicated

Jan25

Complicated Relationships

I have lots of complicated relationships. To be honest, who doesn’t?

I love my blog, but I have not been great about blogging recently…… Complicated

I love to run, but haven’t been running much lately……. Complicated.

I want a clean house, but I hate to waste time cleaning it….. Complicated

I want to be a size 8 or honestly I would take 10 at this point, yet really don’t do what is necessary to make that happen…… Complicated.

I miss running with my friends, yet don’t seem to have the time to meet up with them as our schedules don’t mix….. Complicated.

I have a VERY complicated relationship with food. To be honest, who doesn’t?

The problem I have is the all or nothing mentality and often we might be the ones complicating things more than they need to be.

As I previously mentioned, I’ve met with a nutrionist a few times now. She has given me some good feedback. We have talked about different food choices, adding more protein to diet and less carbs, and looking at better options overall. Things that most of us all know, but she has given some good tips. Overall it has been worth it.

Here is the complication though……. While I know everything she says is valid, I am beginning to wonder if I have the conviction to actually follow through. So far the answer to that will be a resounding no. I can’t even get myself to track my food choices for a day or two. Now maybe it’s because I know where I’m going off track and I don’t want a paper trail to remind me. Maybe it’s because I’m not determined enough to follow through. Maybe….. Maybe….. Maybe….

There are so many reasons we don’t reach where we think we want to go and I maybe to the point where I, honestly, am not sure I want to got there anymore.

I just had my physical in December. Cholesterol only went up 4 points and blood pressure is still really good. So while I have all the other stuff with my Hypopara going against me, relatively everything else is looking ok.

So now the questions I need to ask……

What do I really want and what am I willing to do for it?

Simple.

Yet, complicated….

Answers will be coming shortly and probably changing as time passes.

Am I Ready?

Oct12

I’ve been trying to answer this question. To see where I am. What my body can do. What mentally I am prepared to do. I think I have the answer.

Am I ready to run a virtual NYC Marathon?

Hell no.

Am I ready to complete 26.2 miles for Sandy Hook Promise for a NYC Virtual Marathon?

Yes…. With in reason

I need to be smart. I need to be reasonable and most of all…… I need to check the ego.

This past Sunday, I went out with one agenda. Ok maybe 2. To plan my route which will consistent of “loops” from a local park. I am hoping to have people join me for parts of the “race” and thought this would be a great way to do it. There will be loops in the park going out to longer loop leaving park. This way some can come for shorter or longer distances. I went with no pace plan. No time frame. No nothing. Just the loops and to hit 13 miles.

I did it.

Not too shabby either

How you ask?

By not being an idiot. Ok, anymore of an idiot than thinking of finishing a marathon. I walked. I ran slowly. I walked. I stopped at my car at end of first loop. I stopped to rub feet. I refuled. I took my time. I had no… I need to be faster. I need to hit this pace. I should blah, blah, blah

I just did it

I did it knowing that I could do it. I did it knowing that I could do more. I did it knowing that my body has done this again. I did this with the thought never again….. but maybe I just mean a virtual. Most of all I did this knowing that honestly there will come a day that I can’t do this, but (blank) no, that day is not today. So I will do this.

It will be hard. My feet will hurt. My hands will swell. I will be tired. I most definitely will be sore. I will be slow. I will like every marathon question my wisdom, BUT I PLAN TO FINISH WHAT I SET OUT TO DO!

So the date is set, October 22.

The time is set…. Starting at 8:30

The pace is what it will be.

The reason is clear……… I am running for Sandy Hook Promise and the promise of a better day for our children.

https://fundraisers.hakuapp.com/christine-chaillet-1

Here’s the Plan!

Oct2

I have not been living up to the hype.

I have not been doing what I should have been doing.

Some might say, that I’ve been slacking.

Maybe I have.

Maybe I have not.

I’ve really just been doing what I can to get by. Could I have pushed myself to do more? You bet! Did I want to? Eeeee….. a little but not enough to actually push. I’ve been really tired lately. We all are collectively tired. We all have responsibilites. Things that weigh on our minds. Things we know we should do, but don’t. Things we want to do, but also can’t. It is a vicious cycle.

After a hard reset where I am consulting with a dieticion, asking myself hard questions, and actally trying to put the pieces where they belong not necessarily where I want them to fit, I’ve come up with some ideas.

Here is the thing, if you know me you know that if I set my mind to do something; I am going to do it. If I make a commitement, I will see it through. Most of all, if you know anything about me; you know that Sandy Hook Promise is my jam. You know that as much as they need supporters like us, I feel the very real need to be part of the solution. (You can read about why they are important to me here….https://www.sandyhookpromise.org/blog/volunteer-resources/holiday-reflections-from-a-promise-leader/ )

So here is the deal, I am not ready to run a marathon. Virtual or not. I think part of my issue also is that being virtual, I let things slide that I would not have if I knew I would be at a start line with 50,000 people. Although I’ve done virtual marathon before that I was ready for, this year was different.

Here is my dilemma….. I said I was going to do it. I want to do it. I am committed to doing it. So I am going to do it. It won’t be what I imagined but it will be what is “smart” and what I physically think that I can do if not just a little out of my reach. Isn’t that what a marathon is all about anyone. It literally may take me all day to do it, but I will do it.

Now even though my training has not been stellar, that does not mean I’ve been sedentary. Remember I just completed a Sprint Triathlon. My runs may not have been long, but my cardio fitness is strong. Today due to the rain, I took it inside……. 90 minutes on stationary bike. Biking just under 30 miles. Then an hour on treadmill for just under 4.5 miles. So not a couch potato. I also felt like I could have kept going, but there were things to be done today.

I also just ordered new shoes, because I realize that I’ve been wearing and running in LAST YEAR’S marathon shoes. Not good. Shoes should arrive in another day or so.

So here is the plan…..

4 six mile loops at the park. I will ask my local peeps to join me for a loop, for a portion of the loop or just cheer me on from home. I will do some running. I will do a lot of walking. There will be some instagram/facebook posting. Hopefully there will be no crawling or crying but you know, it is a marathon. Anything is possible. In looking at the guidelines for the virtual marathon, it just needs to be one continuous run in Strava completed in 24 hours.

Easy, Peasy. Lemon Squeazy….

Oh wait….

Probably not, but it will be what it will be.

But it will happen and I hope you are there in any way that you can be. Also feel free to share my fundraising efforts with your friends and family, because as we know their efforts to bring change are needed more now than ever!

https://fundraisers.hakuapp.com/christine-chaillet-1

The Journey

Aug21

So it’s a rainy day here. Perfect day to give an update. Grab your coffee. Settle in and let’s catch up!

People often look at where you without knowing what it took to get there. People look at what your doing and possible think that you could do more, but have no idea what it takes to do what your doing.

Here is the thing……. It doesn’t matter what people think.

Really.

Honestly.

The ONLY thing that matters is what you think about your journey. What you know. Only you.

Does that sound harsh? Maybe.

Is it the truth. You bet.

Even those who understand, love and support can only understand so much. Often because we don’t lay it all at their feet, because really who does that? Wait…. Do people do that???

We often hear this refrain (and honestly, I have used it too)……

Yes this is motivating! Yes, I have used this in my day to prepare for events….. Yes, there is a place for it, but but, but……..

Here is the flip side.

Many times…. Many people…… Often……. People will just go home. Going to a gym, being part of a running group, watching people post where the only thought is a take no prisoners approach, or going on about their “slow” run which is faster than your fastest run can be defeating. It will often make people want to take their ball and go home.

Now should those who are going balls to the wall not post, share, of have the approach they have….. NOT AT ALL! They are in a different space and they should get to celebrate that. Here’s the thing though, those who are not in that space due to physical limitations, just starting out or just not there should also celebrate where they are.

Don’t equate someone’s pace or what they do with someone’s determination. Sometimes just showing up proves that. Showing up is the hardest thing to do and showing up for ourselves is even harder sometimes. When things aren’t going the way you plan or expect; it is often easier to walk away than dig your heals in to turn things around. Sometimes that turnabout will take you in a new direction, but that’s also ok.

What the Hell does that mean for me…….

Well as I’ve said, I don’t plan to run anything longer than a 10k, although I might do half (maybe). I have stepped back and so far this year, I have been running an event every month this year. Started year with trail 10k and have done 5K’s these last three months.

My reasoning has been both complicated and simple…….

It’s just too hard on my body to run the longer distances. Yes, I can do them but that requires adding extra calcium and sometimes calcitol. It lets me run further and faster, but it is hard on my body. I have taken three 24 hour urine calcium tests this last year without changing my medication. With each test, my urine calcium levels have been rising while my serum (blood) calcium levels have remained low (not good).

When I made the decision about lowering my milage, I felt like I was being a failure. That I was giving up. That I was being soft on myself. I made and came to this decision on my own without input for my endocrinologist as she never seemed as concerned as me. But then I had a change of Endocrinologists…. One who actually specializes in Hypoparathyroidism. One I saw years ago when I was on Natpara, but stopped seeing because it was too hard to get into city to see her. Since Covid though, tela appointments are a viable option. One that I hope they don’t take away.

Anywho….

Not only have I now seen her for my personal Hypopara needs, but she has validated my choices. She agrees that for now, this is the right course of action because we need to keep my levels in check. Currently they are 357 but when I first started the Hypopara journey keeping my serum levels in the normal range which allowed me to go on as business as usual my levels were 578! These last few years with the exception of when I was on hormone replacement therapy (Natpara) I have hovered in the 300’s…. For reference, 250 is considered high

Now all this being said, she has also said that there is hope as there are newer hormone replacement therapies coming and I would be a good candidate. So we shall see and wait and dream.

As a side note, I have also gone in to begin my participation in a 3 year study on how Hypoparathyroidism effects the body. Since it is a rare disorder, this is a collection of much needed information. The beginning of the study required 5 hours of testing . It included cognitive tests where I walked away feeling like an idiot, ECK, bone density scans , and brain and abdomen scans looking for calcium calcifications and lab work. It was very comprehensive and informative as the results were shared with me:). Happy to report, other than labs and bone density that everything came back positive.

Honestly it was a big relief:). So with that knowledge I want to keep it that way!

The flip side to all this positivity thou is that my Endo said that she knows that running is important to me and our goal will be to get me to a place where I can run longer distances again without it being harder than normal….. so the downside is that I will be out of excuses when that happens. Ha!

So if you have made it this far, you are somewhat caught up and thank you for coming on this journey with me:)

Been a Minute

Jul9

So my last post about unmotivated seemed to start my summer theme, but…..

It’s been a minute and I thought I would re-introduce myself and my new motivation.

Hello there!

My name is Christine and I think I am a runner?

I think….

But I am also a home baker busy with my new Cottage Food Baking business. Baking, researching, practicing, plotting.

I also work part time outside the home at a child care center. If you have ever worked with 3 year olds, you know that it is exhausting in a fun kids are too cute way.

I am also a home maker. Although 1 of my boys is a college graduate this past June and now in the work force, I still have one more college student at home and a High School student.

I also have Hypoparathyroidism which makes everything a balancing act.

I love to garden.

I am a busy, busy, bee….

I am also a blogger? At least think I am. I’ve written many a blog posts in my mind never to have actually made it to WordPress. I hope to change that. I hope to change a lot of things. So with that let’s catch up!

Although I haven’t been blogging or training, I have actually been moving (somewhat). I’ve been pretraining training. For what you ask.

I am running the NYC Virtual Marathon for Sandy Hook Promise. Those of you here a while know that I had made it to the in person marathon team for the 3rd time, but this year gave my spot up for a few reasons. I was at peace with that. Then Uvalde and I wanted back in. So I am now ”running” and raising money for Sandy Hook Promise as part of a virtual marathon team. Even though it will still be 26.2 miles, the pressure is off.

You can support my fundraising efforts here – https://fundraisers.hakuapp.com/christine-chaillet-1?fbclid=IwAR02hdj0avNFAMl3Ygl6bfu77vtYo03Sr0bSttsji_YwetlCUFZMB5BUMVc

Now before entering to do the virtual marathon, I had already signed up to do a Sprint Triathlon. This is one that I have never done, but have wanted to do. Sprint Triathlons have a special place in my heart as my very first race was a Sprint Triathlon – The NJ Iron Girl.

This was the race that started my crazy journey. That I started blogging to share my progress. That motivated me to run and made me realize that I actually like running. That got me where I am today because I cross trained and liked it which is the main reason I liked the idea of jumping back into a tri. Although I do not enjoy the swim as much as others. The swim will be in the bay at LBI. It also requires training. I always say with a tri…. The bike, you can coast. The run, you can walk, but the swim….. you will drown. Not really because they always have safety measures, but you get it.

So I have been pre training. I’ve been doing some biking. Still running sporadically, but really no swimming except some laps at the summer pool. This will all change next week…….

Because my training plan will officially start and I will be off the couch and out the door!

Decisions…..

May7

Decisions are hard.

Sometimes we think we need to do something, but the thought of it brings worry.

Sometimes we want to do something, but the thought of the task at hand brings us anxiety.

Sometimes we know that what we want to do is maybe not what we need right now, but we worry we will miss out if we don’t do it. FOMA is real.

Sometime we know that the job is important, it is a worthy cause and necessary but we must realize that there might be others who can take it over while we take care of ourself.

We make decisions. We change our mind. We change it again……and again…. and again…..

So here it is and to some of you it will come as a shock.

I filled my application out to run NYCM for for the 4th time for Sandy Hook Promise. As I filled it out I second, third and fifth guessed the wisdom. I guessed not because I do not believe in their mission of protecting children and bringing much needed change because I do. I guessed not because I have not seen the impact of their programs because they are real. I guessed not because they are not an amazing organization with amazing leaders who are making a difference and giving it all they have got because they all are.

I guessed because I wondered if right now it is what my body needs. I guessed because I don’t know weather I can mentally and physically push myself to train for a marathon. I guessed because I am not sure that it would be a smart thing to do right now for so many reasons. With all of these guesses, I still filled out my application to run for them because I believe in them so much. I was accepted to run and all I needed was to fill out the contract to be on the team.

I was in!! The thought did not bring me peace for all I mentioned above.

Then an email came that they had an abundance of runners waiting in the wings, so instead of sending in my application; I passed the baton to the next runner. I always said that Sandy Hook’s mission was not a sprint but a marathon. I just forgot that it was a relay marathon. So as I pass the baton to the next runner, I realize that when the time is right I can step back in my lane to get the baton again. Until then there are other ways to both support those now running with the baton and the mission itself of Sandy Hook Promise.

The biggest way I know it was time to pass this baton is that when talking with a friend who was shocked I wasn’t going to run this year, I realized that I was at peace with the decision. There was no second guessing. There was not third guessing. While at peace with it, it is very bittersweet as I will miss being part of the marathon team but you don’t need to run a marathon to make a difference. You just need to show up and get involved.

The Accidentally Running Mama

Run, Bike, Swim and Have a Life!

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