2016 was the year I began tryin to take my running to the next level. I was working with a running coach. I had goals. There was no stoping me….. or so I thought.
Then, as I’ve said before, two weeks after running NYC Marathon which I crashed and burned because I went out WAY too fast I had my thyroid out. As you know this was the surgery that left me with Hypoparathyroidism.
I’ve started thinking about new goals now that I am on the Yorvipath hormone replacement therapy. It has gotten me looking at where I’ve been with my running and what I might now be able to do now that my body seems to be working again.
The following year, I wanted to push myself to run another marathon. It was hard. It was hot. I did it. I finished in 5:48:52. My marathon times only got slower from there. I usually finished shortly after 6 hours. My slowest being in 2023 at 7:14.
It was always a struggle. I had to balance the need to replenish my calcium supplies for running while taking into account my kidneys. Then there was also the issue of making sure not to allow calcium to get to low causing a crash.
I pushed myself.
Now that I am taking my Yorvipath, it appears that my body is able to once again do what is asked. Suddenly I can push to hit 12 minute paces. I still. Have much to go, but it is a start. My Garmin even recorded a best pace of 9:24. No, I can’t sustain that but the fact that I hit it is a start.
So as I get ready to train for Bethlehem festival, it is time for new goals…..
Today’s Facebook memories from 9 years ago were filled with NYC Half Marathon.
A sub 2 half…. Right under the wire at 1:58:59
This was a race that I worked with amazing coach to achieve. This was a race I trained hard for.
It was hard.
It wasn’t easy.
I wasn’t sure that I would be able to do it.
Yet, I did.
Now mind you this was 9 years ago…. 8 months before my thyroid surgery that left me Hypopara.
Here’s the thing though….. I know due to getting older, the whole Hypopara thing, and the extra pounds that I am no longer chasing the sub w half.
I get that. I really do, but what was hard and impossible then became reachable and possible. That doesn’t mean that I can’t still do hard things. It’s just that I think I forgot it.
This was a good reminder. Not just for my running and fitness, but for life in general.
It is so easy to get caught up in the numbers, the data, and if your garmin didn’t record it that it didn’t happen.
I am trying to let that go.
I have been doing my 20 minutes of daily wall pilates. I’ve been walking. I’ve been riding stationary bike and going on treadmill.
Many recorded.
Some not.
You know what if it isn’t documented, it still happened. It is making a difference. I am noticing less aches and pains. I am noticing feeling a little bit stronger. I am confident that this is the way to go.
I am not going from zero to sixty too fast. I am easing into these changes in a way that speaks to where I am and not was or want to be. I am matching my exercise routine with the reality of where my body is today and what it could do.
In my Crossfit days, I was a bad ass. I could lift and do WOD’s breaking into a sweat but get them done. I am not the same, but the determination is the same.
Fear of failure can push us to hard or not hard enough.
It can make us stand still or push us forward.
The question though is who defines your failures?
Is trying and not succeeding failure or is not trying at all the failure?
It can also make you spread yourself too thin as I mentioned the other day.
But what if fear of failure has more to do more with fear of not. Being perfect.
You know the whole getting in shape befor eyou start going to the gym.
Worrying that you won’t hit a specific pace. That you aren’t what you think you should be.
Fear of failure can keep you from updating your blog because what if you put it out there and you swing and miss.
So yesterday I ran the NYC United Half Marathon. I went inot it fairly trained. I followed my training plan. I didn’t follow it by pace, but by heart rate, feel and distance. I put the miles in. I did what I needed to do to feel like I could “comfortable” run the distance.
I had a thought of what I wanted to run. My A goal was it be under 3 hours. Based on my paces from training, I felt that if I ran a smart race that it was an achievable goal. My B goal was 3:30. If the wheels fell off, just finishing.
I did it…….
I brought my A game.
There is more to this story which I will tell tomorrow.
For now though, I am happy to know that I didn’t let fear stop me from doing what I set out to do. I did it smartly. I did it with hard work. Most of all, I did it with a smile.
I used to feel that I must give 100% to everything. Maybe even 110%. Just give it everything. Give it my all. The Go Big or Go Home mentality.
But what if I just want to go home? Ok not anymore, but that’s what happened. You can’t just give everything in your life 100%, because eventually you have nothing left to give.
I love to bake and have a home baking business…
I began a new career path becoming a preschool teacher in September working full time…
I like to run…
I have a family…
I have a life….
All of these things are important. All of these things pull at me. All of these things in the moment require 100%, but they can not consume me.
The problem was that was trying to do it all like the other things didn’t exist. Life does not take place in a vacuum. I never gave myself a break. I went from on thing to the next. I felt like I was failing at all of it because you can’t give it all 100% and have anything left for yourself. Maybe some of you can, but I can’t. Add to that my Hypoparathyroidism and my tank is usually not full anyway.
Balance. I’ve said it before. I will say it again.
Period.
Period.
Knowing when to say no. Knowing when you are at your limit. Knowing that it is Ok to enjoy things just for the sake of enjoying them. Knowing you get clarity when you step back and say…
ENOUGH
I love (not always and I do complain) to run, but that always went to bottom of list. This meant that I was at the bottom of the list. Running gives me time to both turn my brain off and give me time to think. If you are a runner, you get that. Yet, that always went to the bottom.
I also realized that while all the things I do are important, so are limits. Limits on the amount of time and energy I put into them. No matter how you slice is there are only 24 hours in a day. So learning to say no is ok. Learning to know when your plate is filled and also learning to plan things out o not to be overwhelming.
I am still working on this but one thing I need to remember is that if I should not be the last on the list. I don’t need to take every baking order that comes my way if it will not fit in my schedule. While my job is extremely important, I do need to give myself a break when I leave. I need to make time to make sure that I can do the things that I want to do.
I’ve been running. I’ve been making time. I’ve run a few 5K’s. I’ve made time to run with friends. I’ve been training. Today’s training was 8 miles in the cold.
I loved it. Nothing clears my mind like a good run.
So here is to running, finding balance and taking a nap on a Sunday afternoon.
More to follow soon as with this new found desire to find balance and do things for me, I have a goal. I may even have several goals. Goals that will help me retain my balance:)
This year, I set a “simple” goal of completing one event either virtual or in person a month. We are on month 8 and so far so good. Most events have been in person. This month I have yet to decide on weather I will do an in person event at end of the month or a virtual one, but it will get done.
I’ve done these events because that was my goal for the year. I said it, so you know I was going to follow through. This was my only goal for the year and at the time I set it, that was enough.
It is no longer enough. While I am not ready to say I am jumping in to training for a marathon, I’ve realized that I want to do more. ( I will add with the heat this summer, my crazy schedule, and again the heat; I am so happy not to be training for anything!). I am also not saying that I will be doing one next year, but I am at the point I am questioning/thinking about the day I will be ready.
So with that being said, I’m planning for 2024. Thinking….. Do I want to do a marathon? Do I want to do 9 plus 1 to get into NYC marathon for 2025? Do I want to only run Half Marathon’s as a goal. What to do? What to do? Fortunately I have time to decide, but I also want to put myself in a position to be able to make these choices.
So short term but very real and concrete goals that need to be met to put me on the path for future goals.
Goal # 1 –
I need to loose a minimum of 20 pounds.
Will it be easy? Hell no.
Do I like tracking my food? Not in the least.
Is making this a goal necessary? You bet.
I am the heaviest I’ve every been non pregnant. And while I don’t really care about my round belly, I also know that it is not good for me for multiple reasons. So it is time, I do something about it. Like everyone, I know it won’t be easy, my metabolism is a zero and with Hypopara it can be more challenging.
Here’s the thing……. I CAN DO HARD THINGS.
So game on. One week in and it seems to be working. I’m tracking which is getting me thinking about my choices.
If I want to get myself into a position where I have choices to run longer, I need to get my weight down as for me it will have an impact on running with my feet issues.
Goal # 2 –
RUN & Cross Train
While I don’t know what my last event this year will be, I want to run it and run it comfortably. Run a 5K as a 5K. Also this will put me into a position to decide what goals I want to set next year.
On top of tracking my food, I started challenging myself to close all of my rings on my apple watch. Not just calories burned, but also completing 20 minutes of exercise a day.
I also know that I ran my best when I did more than just running. So I need to as I work on my running, cross train. I literally have a full gym in my garage. So I need to use it! I have started a Fiton program to do that
Goal # 3
Start all of this where I am today not where I was and realize that I will get where I need to go. You don’t start driving in 4th gear, so I can’t start this program where I want to be.
Reality is what it is and when you don’t live in it that is when you will have issues.
Almost one week down and so far so good. Yeah, I know it’s only been a week; but you must celebrate your successes. One week at a time. Sometimes one day at a time.
Waiting, ignoring and waiting some more to start is also a choice.
I feel like I am always waiting for the shoe to drop. Waiting. Wondering. When is it going to drop and what will happen when it does.
Here is the thing. What if I stop waiting for the shoe to drop and put them on and just run with it.
Easier said than done, but I’m trying.
What you do when no one is watching is more important than when you have an audience. (I know that is pretty funny being as I’m writing this for my blog, but there are only a handful of you who read. So I’m good:) )
Here is the thing…. Everyone is doing their own thing. Focused on their own goals, dreams, and trying to figure out their own path. No two paths are ever the same even if they are parallel. Everyone also has a reason for where they are on their path.
For me….. (I know broken record)……. I was in a good place right before my thyroid surgery and becoming Hypopara. I was running the fastest I’ve run (the whole sub 2 NYC Half). I was at a good weight. I was also running longest distances with not just a marathon but completing my one and so far only 50k. Things were good. Right up until they weren’t.
Isn’t that the same for everyone though. No one knows what will happen in their lives. No one can predict with certainty where they will be, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t still decide where they want to go. I forgot that……
I’ve given up on having control thinking that my weight, my running, my everything was out of my control due to Hypopara, age and metabolism. Treding water just thinking that was all I could do. Silently struggling and not even knowing I was taking on water?
Often you don’t realize how much you have been struggling until you get to the side and hold on, looking back and thinking about the struggle. We live in a society where strength is revered. Being a Bad Ass is a complement. We are told to power through and push through. Never being told that we need and should take a moment to breathe.
It is only when we exhale, can we see how much we needed the air.
So here I am on the exhale realizing that I’ve been waiting for change to happen…… Yes, I’ve met with nutritionists, I’ve gone through motions,, I’ve complained, I’ve lamented, I’ve waited and waited and waited…… I’m not sure what I was waiting for, but think I finally realized what I was waiting for……….
I was waiting for me.
I was waiting for me to be sick and tired of making excuses even if they are valid. I was waiting to get the fire back that I was trying to force myself to have. I was waiting to decide that I’m not just going through the motions, but that I want to do them. I was waiting to decide that I am ready to set goals and actually stick to them. I was waiting to exhale.
So here I am setting concrete goals, working toward them and realizing that I will be doing them because I actually want to and not because I feel like I need to. My first event was almost 10 years ago. I had fire. I had drive and I had will and it was all internal.
We all go through life like tomorrow is a given. Like we can, should, and will put off things for another day…. Another week… another month.
We will meet with friends as soon as our crazy, busy schedule allows.
We will wear the good dress, outfit, shoes on just the right occasion, but that occasion isn’t today.
I won’t blog today because what I want to say isn’t interesting enough
We will put off till tomorrow all of our hopes and our dreams.
We act like tomorrow is a promise not a gift.
It isn’t.
Maybe it’s human nature to feel that way because if we didn’t we would drown in our emotions and become incapacitated .
And there is truth in that. You have to believe in tomorrow to get through today. You have to know that tomorrow is another day to try again….. to dream again…. To begin again.
That being said, we must also realize that the beauty in life is not the chores we feel we must complete….. not how clean our house is (harsh truth – mine is a train wreck)……. Not all the million little things we fill our day with.
What is important is the connections we make. The people we share it with.
Often everyone puts off the really important things for things that our unimportant. You know the whole keeping up with the Joneses mentality. But unless your name is Jones, who really cares?
We live in a world where perfection is the norm. Everyone wants a cookie cutter yard. Wanting to conform to societies expectations……. but what if we just stopped?
What if we decided instead of being like everyone else that we would just be the best version of ourselves? Flaws and all.
And how about instead of looking at them as flaws, we look at them as just part of who we are?
It is the whole let me get in shape,, so that I can start going to the gym. I need to start running, so I can start running with friends. Fear of failure or not being good enough is not an excuse because who says you aren’t good enough. Certianly no one in your tribe who cares for you would. They will also meet you at your pace:)
Here is the thing too…..
Haters are going to Hate.
Jerks are always going to be jerks.
Bitches are always going to bitch and have something to say.
People who will talk smack behind your back are not your tribe. Your tribe are the ones who come to offer you a hand when you fall down. (Then they will make a joke to your face about it). Most of all, you have to be your own tribe leader.
So choose your tribe wisely, but more importantly know that life is not a competition…… not with others. Not with yourself……
As they say……
So wear the dress, put on the shoes (especially the running shoes) and just enjoy:)
Often when starting out, we pick up where we left off. If we were a runner, we go out for a longer run than we should. If we were a yogi, we don’t go to the beginner yoga class. If we were a gym rat, we pick up the heavier weights. Very rarely do we go back to the beginning…… or is that just me?????
Please tell me it’s not just me??????
So here’s the thing, stepping back to “shorter” distances in running has me going back to the basics with my running. I am thinking about form. I am thinking about control of my pace. I’m thinking about speed workouts. The basics.
I have also been thinking about my cross training. Back in the day, I 3 was a champion cross trainer. I did classes. I rode my bike. I was a 3-4 day a week crossfiter. I was a badass.
Here’s the thing…… I am still a badass. I am just a different level badass. What makes me a badass is not the amount of weight I’m lifting, how fast I’m running, or any of those things. It is that I consistently (mostly) show up. That I keep plugging away. Bobbing and weaving and just keep going. That being said, I realized that just like my running; I need to step back.
I’ve been doing the Fiton classes which I really enjoy. I’ve been using weights and machines in my home gym. I’ve been doing all these things trying to push myself into a level that I am not at or comfortable sustaining. This makes it easier to stop showing up, because I’m showing up to a party I am not properly dressed for. So I’m stepping back and getting ready for the party. Just like when I started this fitness journey back in 2014 or so I didn’t start with Crossfit, I need to start with the basics.
This is not a step back. It is reality. It is meeting my body where it is and not where I want it to be, think it should be, or pretend it is. Reality isn’t always what we want, but if you pretend it is something else often you will give up and never really move forward. So how am I going back to the basics? Just like it sounds…… I am starting from the beginning.
I am doing beginner workouts on Fiton. I am not trying to be more than what I am. I am rebuilding. I am putting the weights down and starting from scratch doing body weight workouts. I am doing knee pushups, low impact. I am being smart. I will add these things as my body regains strength, endurance and in a way that builds up to it.
In doing this I have found that I am being more consistent. I am recognizing that I can push myself with where I am now and eventually by doing so I will get to where I want to be. You can’t get to your destination if you always trying to start at the finish line.
So here I am, back to where I was when I first started this blog. The beginning. Although with the hypopara, weighing more than I did back then, and now being several years older I might be starting even further back…….. That’s ok though because I know where I want to go, have a plan how to get there and am not giving up which is half the battle.
We show up for work. We show up for school. We show up for our friends, for all our responsibilities and we show up for so many things that we don’t even want to but feel we need to. We show up for everyone and everything else that often we forget to show up for ourselves.
Wait what????
We forget to show up for ourselves by letting people treat us wrong for too long. For not standing up for ourselves. For constantly putting the to do list before ourselves. No don’t get me wrong, there are times where it is pertinent and necessary for others and our to do list to come first. The problem is we often make that a pattern. We often make that the norm. We often say I need to do this, this, and this first. Then I will take care of myself
STOP THAT!
I realized that part of my issue with getting back on track is that before I would do a work out, before I would plan for my meals, before I would take care of myself; I felt I needed to take care of everything else. That everything else list has and always will be long long… Long… And never ending
I’m working towards my CDA. Lots of time there.
I started a home baking business and often have orders
I have a job outside the home that I am required to show up for.
I have a home and family that requires tending
Here’s the thing, though… I never put myself on the list or at the top of the list recently. And if I’m not on the list, then I’m not a priority. The things that I need to do for me are not getting done. I make sure everyone else in my home is taken care of up to, and including my pets. I forgot about me
Wow, many things on my to do list need to be done. There is still time in the day for me though. It will require planning/. It will require prioritizing. Most of all it will require knowing that I should….. No, that I need to be on the list as well!! So with that being said , I am making myself a priority. Yes cookies need to be baked, dinners need to be made and jobs need to be done, but there is still time for me.
Do you make time for you? So many of us especially mothers are used to putting everyone and everything before us but when the pattern does not allow for any time, there is a problem.
Since I have started putting myself on the list……
Workouts are getting done
My own meal planning is getting priority (loving meal service).
The Accidentally Running Mama 