I had been thinking about challenges/goals for the coming year. I wasn’t sure what it would be.
The goal came to me.
I had forgotten that I put in for the NYC Half lottery. I was reminded, when I got the email.
I wasn’t sure how happy I was because logistically NYC events are a bit of a pain. Worth it, but still a pain. The exciting part is that 2 of my running friends also got in. So misery loves company.
I’ve been thinking about goals for event now too. I’m thinking if I could finish the Bethlehem Running Festival in 2:41:08 after running 3 other races that weekend, I would train for a possible 2:30 half. We shall see. We shall see.
Then after wrapping my head around that, two of my suns have roped me into a 6K Spartan race. Fortunately that won’t be till summer. So one goal at a time.
When I started training for the Brooklyn Half, I thought realistically that a 2:45 was not out of range with enough training. My last two prior half marathons have been just under 3 hours. So it was not unreasonable to think with push and training, it could happen. It was a reasonable A goal.
As you know, training had been going well right up until I hit a few speed bumps with my calcium. I missed some runs due to not feeling up to it and then there was the whole fiasco of the calcium crash.
In speaking to my doctor, she was advising on the side of caution. She thought it would be prudent not to run. In talking though, she said if I didn’t push and did a lot of walking that would be for the best.
That was the plan…..
So how did it go……. Here’s the recap
I prepared the night before. Carefully not only laying out my clothes, but also getting all calcium/meds ready to go. Taking extra just in case. I decided to go back to adding powdered calcium to my water. Thinking that I would take plain water at water stops which worked well. On top of that, I took a dose of my calcitriol/calcium at 4:00 am before leaving for city. I also upped my normal calcitirol dose at this time.
The morning of the race started off with alarm not going off leaving me 20 minutes to get ready which is why it is good to have everything ready to go. Nothing was forgotten.
Get into the city to find that the parking that NYRR said was available was not in deed available. That provided some added stress as we were parking at the finish line near Coney Island and then needed to take train to Prospect Park for the Start. We were lucky to find a small lot that actually was very reasonable at $20. Dawn was right when she said, “they could have charged double and we would gladly have paid.”
Then off to the trains to go to Prospect start. Get to the Corral for our 8:20 start time. Before the race started, I took my normal dose of calcium/calcitriol. Then go to start my watch and realize that for some reason my Garmin did NOT charge!!!!!!!
Now I wasn’t running for time. I was planning to listen to my doctor, but I’m still a runner and like my tracking. I also thought it would be good to keep me in check as I do tend to start off too fast in big races. I also run faster than I can maintain or should be, but it was what it was.
I was running all on feel.
It was strange not to have a watch to watch. Although out of habit, I looked at the blank screen several times during the race. I took off at what I felt was a comfortable pace. I was feeling good. Then at the 5k water stop, I saw the 2:45 pace group and realized thats not where I should be.
I had to remind myself that my goal this race what not so much a time, but to keep my levels in the zone. I also realized that the conditions were very similar to the day I had the big crash. It was HOT. It was HUMID. The heat is not my friend. I was sweating.
With exercise everyone burns through calcium, but their bodies usually replenish by taking from bones. No worries though because this is a normal process and is actually good for bone health. For those of us with Hypoparathyroidism, this does not happen. There is no calcium regulation. So as our body burns up the calcium through sweat and heavy exercise, it must be manual added with our supplements and meds. Downside is that we just have to make educated guesses when to add.
Yesterday I hit it right – with the added meds and I do think the added calcium in the water. My doctor said it takes about 20 minutes for the meds to hit which is why it is important to add before feeling low. So thats what I did.
So I ran by feel. I walked a lot. I reminded myself that I did a lot of walking in training. When I walked, I power walked. When I ran, I ran by feel.
As you can see I did start off too fast. I adjusted. There were times that I thought I could/should run and push myself. I reminded myself that I needed to finish a smart race. A race that was more about being smart. I had no idea what time I was going to finish, but honestly this was my B goal.
It was a good day. A day to prove that I can do hard things.
Maybe the secret isn’t being the best of the best.
Maybe the secret isn’t running harder or faster.
Maybe the secret isn’t anything other than…..
Just to keep plugging along. To keep moving. To not give up. To just keep moving.
Down to 6 weeks till Brooklyn.
It’s not exciting or fancy, but I am plugging along.
That is what I’m doing.
It’s not bold or exciting, It’s just getting runs, biking and cross training.
It’s just not giving up.
Just plugging along. Doing my thing. I’ve been “following” a training plan, but I’ve been following my way. Maybe doing a indoor bike run instead of mid week run. Changing up runs, but getting them done.
Sunday, I went for my long run. Normally a long run would be done at a much slower pace, but I had a plan. I would walk the first mile. Then I would do 5 miles at what I might think of doing at the half and then slow for last mile. For the most part, I stuck to the plan.
Mission accomplished.
Here is the thing though, I needed to remind myself to control my pace…. And I did. I ran the paces that I wanted. The only change I made was was the last mile. Instead of walking it, I ran like it was the finish and then walked the last quarter mile.
The best part of this run is that I felt like I could keep going. So there is that.
Today’s Facebook memories from 9 years ago were filled with NYC Half Marathon.
A sub 2 half…. Right under the wire at 1:58:59
This was a race that I worked with amazing coach to achieve. This was a race I trained hard for.
It was hard.
It wasn’t easy.
I wasn’t sure that I would be able to do it.
Yet, I did.
Now mind you this was 9 years ago…. 8 months before my thyroid surgery that left me Hypopara.
Here’s the thing though….. I know due to getting older, the whole Hypopara thing, and the extra pounds that I am no longer chasing the sub w half.
I get that. I really do, but what was hard and impossible then became reachable and possible. That doesn’t mean that I can’t still do hard things. It’s just that I think I forgot it.
This was a good reminder. Not just for my running and fitness, but for life in general.
I did not run it this year, but happily tracked several friends who did. It’s nice to be on the support team only tracking. Although I must say for a half, the NYC half is a great race. This year they had excitement of running over the Brooklyn Bridge. To to say that made me a little jealous.
That being said, even if I was scheduled to run it I would have been sidelined as I ended up having a stomach bug. You can run through a lot, but a stomach bug isn’t one…. At least not for me. I didn’t even make it out for my 6 mile run as I was passed out on the couch all day.
After sleeping all day, then going to be for a solid 10 hours, I woke up feeling better. I took the day off of work. My appetite wasn’t total back but did have energy even though I had some symptoms of low calcium this morning. It was a good day to catch up on cleaning out and up in a way you can only do when on one is home to get in your way… LOL
Anywho…. Back to the running……
I’ve been thinking and looking at my last few half marathon times. They have all been in right around 3 hours.
So the question is can I do better? Do I want to push to do better? And if so, I need to keep going with my training.
Some might say that I have been doing this for a long time without reaching some of my goals.
Maybe that’s true.
Maybe it’s not.
My goals have changed along the way. My thoughts of what is necessary has changed. What and where I want to be has changed. I know my body has changed and what it can do too. Always moving forward though. Maybe no longer reaching for that golden ring, but happy with the consolation prize. Bobbing and weaving, even when the finish line keeps moving.
So maybe it’s not about reaching the goal, but continuing to reach for it without giving up.
Tomorrow starts my 16 week training plan for the Brooklyn Half. As of now I do not have a goal for the race other than to run it well. To me that will mean to go into this event trained by following my training plan. To continue with the cross training to hopefully also go into this race injury free.
At the 8 week mark, I will access where I am with my training and adjust training for the goal.
So here we go……
Last time I ran Brooklyn in 2015, I ran it in 2:14:47. That’s not happening or anything even close to that. That being said, my last half was 2:59:18. So, honestly, I am starting my training with 3 hours in mind.
Never giving up…. Never baking down…. Still moving….
When I worked with a running coach a few years ago, she always had me come up with 3 goals prior to an event.
A Goal – A goal within reach, but one that you need to work for
B Goal – A doable goal
C Goal – What is the minimum that you will be happy with.
So for the NYC Half, I kept these goals to myself. I knew going into my training that I really would like to run the half in under 3 hours. While training, I did not train for this goal so much as realize that this was within reach if I pushed just enough. I mostly trained by feel and heart rate. I made sure to do my training runs at a push and my long runs slower than I felt I could push. I always wanted to finish a training run like I could do more if needed. I usually did too.
One thing that I was very conscious of during my training is that I did not want to add extra calcium. What I tried to do was to time my daily calcium in a way to incorporate into my runs.
It has taken me some time since my surgery to get to this point, but I finally finally finally came to the mindset of………. I want to run, but I need to run smart. All the time. I can not push the pace to the point where I need to add more calcium. While it temporarily will feel right, long term it is not for me.
Since my surgery, I have been fighting high urine calcium levels. At it’s highest it was 578. (For those not Hypopara and unfamiliar anything over 250 is high. For Hypopara, your doctors try to keep it in around 300)……. Now it was at the highest, when I was taking .5 calcitriol twice a day with calcium through out the day. I also took extra calcium to run runs the way that pushed my body. My levels have come down, but even with being careful they are steadily going back up. I am currently at levels over 350.
So what does this mean…… basically these higher levels are hard on my kidney’s. I am lucky that currently I have had no kidney issues; BUT I say this as my kidney functions have moderate loss of function. Not enough that I would notice, but until a PTH (Parathyroid Hormone that regulates calcium & phosphate in body) I will need to continue to take medication to regulate. These help me function like a normal person but also are hard on the kidneys. I am not willing to push my kidneys to the limit to run a pace that matters to no one.
Seriously, who cares about my pace?
For a while after my surgery, I did. I wanted to maintain where I was prior to surgery. I wanted to pretend that the surgery and Hypopara didn’t change me, but the truth of the matter it did. It was also about pride. I wanted to run the paces that I could. No lie, I did enjoy pushing myself. Running a Sub 2 half (prior to surgery). Running 9 minute paces. Being a front of the middle runner.
Guess what?
I am no longer a mid pack runner. I am a back of the pack runner. I am starting in the last wave and in some cases the last corral.
Here is what I’ve come to realize though……
I am starting. I am running…… I am still me. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride. Put it aside and know that it only matters to you. When I was able to put pride aside, I was able to train where I am and not where I wanted to be. I was able to train smart. To listen to my body. To run smarter and not harder. By doing that, I was able to actually do what I wanted to do.
I put pride aside. I made a realistic goal. If I hadn’t made it, I would have been ok. But the fact that I made it shows that I am doing what I need to do. Most of all, I did it by working smarter and not harder.
So what does this mean….
This means more running in my future. I even signed up for a fall race. One that I did previously. The Hat Trick. A 5k & 10K on a Saturday followed by a half on Sunday.
Crazy?
Yes.
Exciting?
You bet…. Can’t wait.
Stay tuned because believe it or not, there is more to talk about regarding the NYC Half. Although this is enough for today.
Fear of failure can push us to hard or not hard enough.
It can make us stand still or push us forward.
The question though is who defines your failures?
Is trying and not succeeding failure or is not trying at all the failure?
It can also make you spread yourself too thin as I mentioned the other day.
But what if fear of failure has more to do more with fear of not. Being perfect.
You know the whole getting in shape befor eyou start going to the gym.
Worrying that you won’t hit a specific pace. That you aren’t what you think you should be.
Fear of failure can keep you from updating your blog because what if you put it out there and you swing and miss.
So yesterday I ran the NYC United Half Marathon. I went inot it fairly trained. I followed my training plan. I didn’t follow it by pace, but by heart rate, feel and distance. I put the miles in. I did what I needed to do to feel like I could “comfortable” run the distance.
I had a thought of what I wanted to run. My A goal was it be under 3 hours. Based on my paces from training, I felt that if I ran a smart race that it was an achievable goal. My B goal was 3:30. If the wheels fell off, just finishing.
I did it…….
I brought my A game.
There is more to this story which I will tell tomorrow.
For now though, I am happy to know that I didn’t let fear stop me from doing what I set out to do. I did it smartly. I did it with hard work. Most of all, I did it with a smile.
I’ve been hard on myself. I’ve been easy on myself. I’ve been in between the two.
I’ve been proud. I’ve been embarrassed. I’ve been in between the two.
I’ve pushed. I’ve pulled back. I’ve been in between the two.
I’ve been fearless. I’ve been full of fear. I’ve been everything in between.
Somewhere along the lines from not knowing anything when I started out to being at the top of my game in 2016 to where I am now; I forgot something. I forgot that it doesn’t matter what I am doing as long as I am doing something. I forgot that I can’t be more than I am at any given time. That trying to swim against the current is a sure fire way to allow the current to pull you under. That it’s ok to use a flotation device to stay afloat as long as you stay afloat. Most of all that in the whole scheme of things it is about enjoying what I’m doing.
Although I’ve never really stopped to some extent I have stopped giving it my all. I’ve stopped pushing. I started thinking that if I couldn’t hit previous expectations that I was somehow failing. That I needed to keep doing more than I could physically do and when my body couldn’t I wondered what was the point. What was the point of it if I couldn’t do everything the way I wanted.
That reality is what we make it. That pretending the world is not the way we want it to be doesn’t change the way it really is even if we don’t ever want to admit it. Acting like a toddler because things don’t go your way doesn’t suddenly make them go your way. So maybe it’s not toddler mentality so much as human nature. Unlike a toddler though, as an adult we are able to recognize the self sabotage and be willing to change.
The truth of the matter is….. I want to recognize that I am not where I used to be. I might (chances are pretty good) never be there again. I recognize that I need to train and run smarter. I need to give my mind and body what it needs which is to live in reality and not the past or a version of reality that is not based in reality but fantasy.
Reality isn’t bad. Reality is challenging and hard and a good place to be. Reality is every changing too. So who knows. We can be our biggest champions or we can be our biggest deterrent. How we view ourselves, our abilities and our future (even our past) determines how we live our lives. Determines the way we look at the world and what we can accomplish. It determines if we make it to the finish line or never even get to the start line.
People look at me at think I am an optimistic person. I am not sure about that. I like the epression….
It is the truth….. A truth for every aspect of our lives from where we live to the job we hold to our athletic abilities. When I go to a race, I know that I will never be the fastest. I am not usually the slowest. I used to be a middle of the pack runner. Now I might be a back of the pack runner, but at this point I wouldn’t know because there are no races.
I also realize that I am at the point where I want to push again. I don’t mean push to run a sub 2 half-marathon. I mean push to see what I can do. I mean pushing to where I am not where I want to be. I’ve realized that the only way that I will be able to do this is actually to do something. So it’s time to actually do something.
So in that spirit I signed up to run the virtual NYC Half Marathon in March. I have currently been working on my running. Learning to find out where I am and what I should be realistically be running for right now. The furthest I have run recently is 3 miles, so this should be interesting. It will be hard. It will be challenging. Most of all it will be educational as you only know what you can do if you try.
So with that….. I am ready to try. I am ready to push myself with no excuses but understanding that I dont need to be anymore than I am on any given day.
We all have expectations in life. Great expectations. We all have a vision of how we want our life to be. Expectations are good, but what happens when life doesn’t live up the vision of what we think it should be? This leads to disappoint and sand ness.
All those years ago, actually only 7, when I started on my fitness journey there was no expectations. I didn’t know what my body could do. I didn’t know what a good time for an event was. Hell, I really didn’t know anything….. Except that I wanted to do something. Because I was starting from zero, I put no expectations on myself. I jokingly said that my only goal with my first ever race, Iron Girl Sprint Tri, was not to die. To me that was enough of a goal and anything after that was a win.
There was no… I should hit this many miles. I should hit this pace. I should do this or that for training. I knew nothing, so I expected nothing.
When I ran my first ever half which I signed up for because I was running just to run with my MRTT (Mom’s Run This Town) Mama’s. I was running 8 miles and more just to run them. Then on one run one of the Mama’s, Janna, said, ” You should sign up for the Superhero Half. Your ready for it.”
So I did. I had no expectations. I just showed up for the car ride to the event. While in the car, the seasoned runners spoke of pacing, race strategy, fueling and such. When they asked me mine, I had none. My goal was to finish.
Thanks to Janna who took me under her wing, I finished in 2:09. She knew about pacing and she also knew that I could finish in under 2:10 and she got me there. I just ran when she made me run and had a fun time doing it.I further admit that I didn’t even know that 2:09 would be a good time for a half. To me it was just about running to run and having a good time.
Then something happened, I started putting expectations on my running. I also became ” a serious” runner. I learned of pacing, training strategy, and proper fueling and for a while I even had a kick ass coach. And while I still enjoyed running, it lacked the simplicity of when I first started. I put expectations on myself and I was able to live up to my expectations right up until I couldn’t which was right after my thyroid surgery left me with Hypoparthyroidism. And even after I came to terms with that, I still put expectations on myself. Expectations that I could no longer meet.
You know what? I’m done with expecations! I want to find the joy that I had when I first started running. I want to stop overthinking, overanalyzing, and just find the joy in allowing my body to do what it can do. No matter the pace. No matter the distance.
The thing that screws us up so much in life is not accepting what we have and being upset it’s not what we think it should be. Sometimes getting out of our own way is the best thing that you can do. Sometimes you have to make a conscience decision to let things go, to reassese, and just allow what is to be enough.
With this thought process, I had picked the Hal Higdon Novice 1 training plan for the NJ Half at Rutgers. No, I admit, I am not a novice runner; but I want to be. I want to run with no expectations. I have been so focused on doing what I thought I should do that I was missing out on what I could do. I am going back to seeing what my body can do. To discovering where I am today. And while I may have had this thought in the last 3 years I really have not embraced it in my running. I am now.
You know what?….. I’ve been enjoying my 2 training runs so far. I have just been running to run. No expectations. No watching the pace. Just letting my body decide. It’s been good. The runs have felt good. I have felt good and the bonus is that both runs had negative splits which will not be the expectation nor will it be.
So I will be happy to run where I am today. Not where I was 3 years ago. Not where I think I should be. Not where other people are. Not about pace. Not about anything, but enjoying where I am at this point and that will be enough.
The Accidentally Running Mama 