While no one believed me even though they knew I wasn’t really running or training, the truth is out there:). This is the first year that when NYC marathon lottery came out, I did not have even an inkling of an itch to put my name into it. I got the emails and was like… nope….. delete…. No thank you.
I just got the email from Sandy Hook Promise to put my name into for consideration for charity runner……. Nope….. not this year….. will continue to love and support the team….. but…. Nope…. Delete.
This is how I know I am finally, finally, finally at peace with not running so hard. Not training so hard. Honestly, I could take “so hard” out of those last two statements as I haven’t been doing either lately but I am trying to find my groove.
For right now, I think I might actually finally be at peace for what I am both physically and mentally able to do right now. I think I finally realized that for right now in my life this is not something that I need to or should be doing. I 100% believe that I am not done being a marathon runner and 100% believe there will come a time where I will both want and actually run another marathon. For right now though, I just do not need or want it in my life.
I am taking the Maria Kondo approach to my running. Does it bring me joy?
The answer has been no – not at those miles, not at feeling like it was something that was expected that I “needed” to do, or that I was doing just to do. There was no joy. No passion. So that begs the question, why put my body and mind through it? Running and training for anything more than a 10K has not been joyful. It has been to hard for many reasons. It shouldn’t be so hard.
Here is the thing too…….
Since I recognized and admitted this truth, I am moving more. I am doing yoga. I am doing stretching. I am doing some strength training. I am walking. I am finding the joy and health in recognizing that while my body is not anything close to perfect, it can still move.
Life is hard enough without making it harder on yourself for the sake of making it hard…… without adding something that we were forcing ourselves to think we needed to do it for various reasons. Since my surgery in 2016, I have said I needed to step back and give my body a break. Yet, I never did. I always had one “valid” reason after another why I needed to run another marathon, why I needed to keep pushing. It was always about I need to keep pushing….. If I give my body a rest, than somehow that shows how week I am. That the hypopara wins….
That is crap. Everyone’s body changes. Everyone’s goals changes. Yes, prior to my surgery I was chasing a sub 4 marathon. Guess what? I’m not going to get there. I wanted it and could have had it prior to surgery if I didn’t blow my pacing, but thats a different story. Anyway, I guess it’s been a long time coming and although I thought I’d done it before, but the fact that I kept signing up for marathons showed I really didn’t……… I get that my body is not the same. I get that for right now, I just don’t want to.
Let me be clear.
I do not want to run, train, or sign up for anything more than a 10K. It is freeing to not only say this but finally realizing that I really mean it. It is also freeing to say that I think that I will run long distances again…… ONLY when it will bring me joy.
Find your joy……..
Embrace your joy…..
Most of all……… Be Kind to yourself and know that what ever you do should both bring you joy and is enough.