Tag Archive | Control

Getting Back on the Horse

Sep8

Today’s run was definitely a mental one. Yes, it was physical because I was going for between 8-9 miles; but I was in my head a lot before lacing up.

Every run is a mental run from the procrastinating to the lacing up and getting out the door. There are so many reasons not to run. There are so many reasons to push yourself to get out and run too.

I needed to get out of my head today. I needed to remind myself that I can do this. I would be lying if I didn’t say that last week scared the crap out of me. I would be lying if it didn’t cross my mind to stop pushing so hard, to stay home and just say I’m throwing in the towel. While on my Hypopara journey, I have had tetany before. I have had muscle spasms. I have had the tingles, the brain fog, and been symptomatic. The difference is that I always felt like I still was in control as these symptoms were more annoying than anything else.

I won’t go into again, but last week’s calcium crash was bad. It scared me. It stopped me in my tracks. It reminded me that this is more than just annoying. This is real and needs to be taken seriously. I liked to pretend that it wasn’t and wouldn’t stop me. Honestly, I’ve been more worried about my kidney health than the actual Hypopara symptoms. I realized that I needed to take BOTH as seriously as I should.

This week was a stressful week at work. It was also the first week without summer hours. No longer leaving at 3, but 1. Doesn’t sound like a lot, but for those who don’t know I am also a childcare teacher. This means I am on my feet and really in constant motion both mentally and physically all day.

I wanted to run this week, but I didn’t. I could tell that I wasn’t ready. Yesterday I just didn’t have the energy. I had stayed up too late baking a cake. Oh yeah, I’m also a home baker. So yesterday I didn’t run.

This morning no excuses…. Except I was nervous. I prepared for my run giving myself an half an hour for morning meds to kick in. I filled my water bottles. I have the Fitletic running belt. So I filled 2 with water and one with electrolytes. I then put into the belt some kind nut bars, extra meds, and off I went. I also put back on my running Id that has contact info and also a “Hypoparthyroidism check calcium.” I had gotten a new band and never put it back on. I got complacent.

I started off running streets close to home making grids for the first three miles. I stayed close to home for the remainder of the run too. Not going too far out which sometimes I do for a longer run. Today was about keeping a comfortable pace. Walking when needing to, but not just because I want to. It was about listening to my body. At around 5 miles, I added some full in the form of some of the kind bar. At around 6.5 miles, I took 250 of calcium. Half of my normal afternoon dose. Then just kept moving.

I finished. I got to 8.5. At the end of the run I was thinking of doing a few streets to get to 9, but I figured this was enough……. And it was!

Mentally my head is back in the game. Mentally I know that I can do this but have to be smarter.

Control

Feb3

Sometimes your up.

Sometimes your down.

The trick is not to get stuck when your down. Easier said then done. 

Sometimes you get stuck through no fault of your own. Sometimes you can’t control what is happening.  Happening to those around you.  Happening to your body.  Happening in your life.

Get a health diagnosis…. Out of your control

Loose your job…… Out of your control

Things people do in your circle…… Out of your control

It is a fallacy to say that we control our own destiny.  Yes, I know there are those who would disagree. Yes, there are many things we control but the biggest thing is truly the way we react to all that life throws at you. The truth is sometimes we handle it well. Sometimes we don’t handle it at all and ignore and sometimes we just hold on and scream. Probably why life is often referred to as a roller coaster…. Or is that just me?

Anywho…. What does this have to do with my training?  Not sure, but I do feel that I’m in agood space controlling all that life has been sending my way.

Trying to find my balance with working full time while still working my home baking business and my household. 

Trying to find my balance with healthy eating and finding time for training without bringing myself to brink of exhaustion. 

So far so good. I have 6 weeks to the NYC Half. While I have not been following my training plan exactly, I have been following. I am getting the miles in.  I have been doing the cross training. I feel like this will be a good event. I have been going back and forth between following a walk/run plan to just going by feel. I know I will walk during the event. I just am still deciding if it will b part of the actual race day running plan or just a go with the flow thing. I have 6 weeks to figure it out. The most important thing is to get the miles in especially the long runs.

I am (so far) feeling confident in my training. Feeling like I am doing what I should be doing and that I will go into this event prepared to finish.

I am doing what is in my control and we will see how this all plays out:)

Do You Know?

May2

Do you know where you’re going to?

Do you like what life is showing you?

Do you know?

These are lyrics to a Diana Ross song from the 70’s.

Do you remember it?

This chorus has stuck with me. It’s been stuck in my head lately.

Last week a running friend lost her battle with cancer. She was a warrior. Not just in her battle with cancer but in life. She took on all the challenges that life gave her with a smile (and great nails)> Not only did she take on challenges, but she crushed them. She surpassed them and just embraced all that life offered and then some. We always talked about meeting up to run, but we never got around to it.

Besides her smile, what you would notice most about Melissa was her absolute joy for life. The way she embraced it. Pushed herself. Running marathons. Training. Pushing herself. Never complaining about the obsticles in her path and always looking for ways to overcome them. She truly was a warrior, but most of all she was a good human being. The world needs more people like her and she will be missed.

This same week, I had another friend have a very serious medical issue and we weren’t sure where things would go. It makes a person think.

Control is an illusion in life. We like to think that we are in charge of our destination, but we only control so much. We like to think that we can micromanage…. That our decisions determine the outcome…… That everything is in our power…… That is the lie we tell ourselves.

The bigger lie though is that nothing we do matters. We have no control, so see where the universe takes us kind of thing. Since everything is out of our control, we can just see where the chips fall and react and deal with things. Although as I’ve said before, sometimes how we react is more important than any plan we may have. That being said, while the bigger things in life our out of our control…. There is much in it.

Some people deal with lack of control by trying to micromanage. Trying to control everything. Some let it all blow in the wind. Most of us fall in between and sometimes sway between the two extremes. We do all of these things because the thought of having zero control is scary. More scary than any monster we can dream of or horror movie we can watch. (For the record, I don’t watch horror movies because I am a big chicken).

So I’ve been thinking……. What can I control? How can I get where I want to go if I am no longer sure where I want to go? I have a running blog right now without much running? I am on a fitness journey without much fitness. I am tired all the time and no amount of sleep can fix it. I wake up like grandma again thanks to no longer having my Natpara. I pop pills all day just to get to the end of the day (these are for my Hypoparthyroidism…. I do not have any other issues!) I need to reevaluate. I need to reassess. Most of all I need to actually stop floating along and actually think where I am going. Maybe if I do that I can get that song with the 70’s music out of my head.

Do you know where your going to?

https://youtu.be/Uf4P6rGMxWs

What if???

May13

What if there is no easy answers?   What if we have no idea what tomorrow will bring?   What if as each day is just like the day before, we still have no idea what the future will bring?    How do we plan?   How do we accept not knowing?   How do we move forward and not stay stuck in limbo?

Why are there so many questions and not enough answers?

What if it is easier to ask the questions than answer them?

What if?

What if?

When will this happen?

When will that happen?

On and on it goes with no clear cut answers.   No answers that you like.   No answers that make things easier.  No answer that doesn’t lead to another question.

What if I tell you that it won’t always be like this?    What if I tell you that even in the best of times that tomorrow was never promised?    That plans fall through.   That life is more complicated and much simpler than we every realized.  That even when you make plans, sometimes plans change.   Sometimes things that you never thought would happen…. happen.    Things that you only dream of….. happen.

Right now so many of us feel in limbo.   We miss people that we now have to be “socially” distant from which really just means physically distant.   Do you even remember the last person not in your home that you gave a hug to before this all started?    Have you thought about how good it will be to give that person a hug when this is all over?   I, honestly, can’t remember the last person that I hugged and that makes me sad.   Althugh I believe it would have been either my mother or my friend, Jen; but I’m not sure.   It was such a normal thing that at the time I might not have given it a second thought.

Second thoughts are the problem now.   Second, third…. a million.    We are all searching for answers but right now there are no answers.    That is hard for so many reasons.   How do you plan for the future when you don’t know.   So many things that we took for granted before are now gone.   A hug goodbye.   The ability to pop in on a friend.   The knowing that even if plans had to change that the world didn’t.    As hard as some people want to put this pandemic behind us, it is here in our lives for a while.   We have no choice but to give up the reigns and that is a hard pill to swallow.

Right now many people are planning for fall races.   I was asked if I wanted to be part of the Sandy Hook Promise Team and as much as I support their cause…….as much as I like to plan….. as much as I want to; I just don’t think I can for several reasons but I go back and forth.

My first thought really is how much harder this year it would be to fundraise.   People are hurting and many disposable income is gone.     Businesses that have been very supportive in the past are doing all they can to survive now.     While these last 2 years I have had great success with my fundraising and had expected to do it again this year, I just can’t see how that would be possible.    It bothers me too because I think Sandy Hook Promise mission is worthy of all of our support.

On top of that honestly, I know so many runners are holding out hope of fall races but I don’t see how that can happen.   How in a matter of months can NYC expect to host an event with 50,000 runners and their supporters.    It seems like a foreign thought to me.   For those holding out hope, I hope I’m wrong.   It will be a strange November without a NYC Marathon but I’m sure the people of Boston felt the same way.

It is hard to plan for the future when the future is so uncertain.   For me, that means just doing the things that I can do daily to make my life seem like I am not a house plant.

Exercise Daily – Check

Shower Daily – Usually

Daily walk – Usually

Try not to eat all the chocolate – I’m trying

For me….   Making a conscience effort not to plan is my plan.      I would love to plan for a fall race, but I just don’t see how that can be.    I would rather let that go now as, for me, that is what I need to do.    This is not to say that I am giving up planning and doing.   I am just going to plan and do things that are in my control.   Right now I am in the process of deciding weather I want to run the NJ Parkway (172.4 miles) or the NJ Turnpike (117.2 miles) – Virtually, of course.   There is an online challenge where you are in control from running the distance of the boardwalk (28 miles) to going as far as taking the Jersey Devil challenge (579 miles).   These distances will be run starting May 15 through July 15th.   Mile wise I’m leaning towards the Turnpike but I’m more of a Parkway girl, so I have not figured it out yet.    That will be something I control.

So, for me, when the world is our of my control; I will take the control back where I can.   How I can.

What are you doing to stay in control?