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A Storm Settles In

Feb17

I try to keep this blog drama free if you will.

  I try to keep it sole focus on my fitness journey, but as I’ve said a time ore two before..

Running does not take place in a bubble

The outside world has a real effect not just on our time, but it effects us mentally too.       Running is usually a way to release tension, give time to think, and often time to get away from thinking.  It is time that I admit that part of my lack of wanting to run is not physical but mental.  Same reason I’ve been ignoring my blog because that means that I have to think about all that is keeping me from getting out the door.

What happens when you feel like none of it matters?    What is the point of running XYZ race?   What happens when you have no desire to push it because you think , “What is the point?”

I’m not sure.

stephen-fry-quote-on-mood

There is just so much rain right now.    I’ve been in worse weather and survived.  I have no doubt that I am strong enough to survive this one too, but I’m drenched right now.   This is just a thunderstorm and I’m trying to figure out how to open my umbrella when the reality is that I need a raincoat.

I keep reminding myself that the only thing that anyone has control over is themselves and how they react to the world and people around them.   It is with this knowledge that I am pushing forward.   People will never be who you want them to be.   The world will never be the way you think it should be.   This is the reality of the world.   This is the reality of my life.

I can’t let these things stop me from my journey.   I can’t keep these things from finding joy in things that I found joy in before.

Right now I don’t want to do anything.   I really don’t.   I also don’t like that feeling.   I miss wanting to wake up and push myself to go for a run.   To push my body.    To push my limits.   I miss it.   I want it back.

Right now though I don’t have the fire that I had.   So what I am going to push myself to do is something that I really am not a fan of.

I’m going streaking.

I think this is what I need right now.

I will do it my own way as always.   I am going to go a minimum of a mile every day.   I will even count a mile walk, but a mile it must be.   My goal is for at least a month.   I will let you know how it goes.

This is more than just reclaiming my fitness too.   It is reclaiming a part of me that has gone missing.

Running does not take place in a bubble.

Life does not take place in a bubble.

Embrace it all.

Accept it all.

Go.

Fake it Till You Feel it?

Jan7

My new expression really seems to be…..

I’m just not feeling it.

So true.

I know I need to get running again.   This week I actually did start.   I’m proud to say that I went out for 3 three mile runs.    They were not fast.   They were not pretty, but they were all in a different season.   The first one was on a nice day.   The second one it was a cold rain.   Then the last one was run on a cold day with snow covering the ground.   That should count for something.

I guess it does, but

I’m so not feeling it.

Last month I had signed up for a 10K trail race.   I was smart enough to know that I would not be ready for more than that.   I realized that really I wasn’t even ready for that.   I’m sure that I could have gone out and got it done.    I’ve done crazier things than that in the past.    Like last year at this same race I ran what I refer to as a surprise marathon.   I was feeling it.   I had the drive.

Today and most days right now….

I’m not feeling it.

not-feeling-it

It’s more than my running too.   It’s just the way I feel right now about most things.    I’m not sure if it’s hormonal.   I’m not sure if it is the medicine’s that I’ve been taking.   I’m not sure if is the lower calcium levels that I’ve been fighting.   I’m just not sure.   I just know that I have not been myself.   I’ve been going through the motions like everyone else, but my heart has just not been in it like normal.    I’m normally a happy go lucky kind of person and I know this just isn’t me.   I’m working on it though.

I have always heard that recognizing there is a problem is the first step.   I recognize that I’m just not myself and will talk to my doctor about it.

In the meantime, I’m going to continue with the fake it till you feel it mentality.   Besides whether I like it or not, I really am officially entering marathon training.   I will go through the motions until I find the joy that I normally get not just from running but life in general.

This weekend I plan to look at marathon training plans.   I do not plan to follow one to the letter T, but I do want to figure out which one I will use as a general guideline.   This marathon will be interesting.   My first big race back running after surgery.    My first race that I will be in charge of my training.    I think I will like the flexibility of it even if I won’t be as prepared as in the past.   Who knows….. I may surprise myself.

What plan do you follow for marathon training?

 

 

Moving Forward While Sitting Still

Dec28

When I wrote my last post about taking the rest of the year off, I really did not know what type of feedback that I would get.   I mean this is a running blog.   I have a lot of amazing running friends.    And again, this is a running blog….

Guess what?

I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback and nothing negative.   Now this is not to say that people may not have thought, “What the heck is she doing and she’s an idiot.”   If they felt that way, they didn’t say it.  As I said before, I know that I will pay the price for time off my feet.   It is a price that I am more than willing to take though.

Sometimes we put so much internal pressure on ourselves just because we think that we should be doing XYZ and for what?   I know for me, I am not someone who will ever win a race.   I’m not going to ever be a Boston Qualifier.   At this point, I’m not even sure if I will ever get the elusive 4:30 marathon time I’ve been chasing.   This is all internal.   There is no one yelling at me to go faster, work harder, or run further.   To be honest, I think my hubby might like this little break that I’m on even if like me he knows its only temporary.

The end of the year is normal a reflective time for many of us not just about our fitness goals but life in general.   For those of us just coming off of fall marathon season, it is also a time to reflect how our performance measured up to the reality of the race.     This then can add to the pressure.   I’m going to be reflecting on those goals and seeing what if any goals to make for 2017.

I’ll be honest……   As happy as I was to finish NYCM, it was my worst finish time for a marathon for a whole host of reasons I’ve already discussed.   Anyway in my mind, I had dreamed that NY would be the best marathon (time wise) that I would or have ever run.   That is not the reality.  Even though it has been my favorite marathon and I love it, time wise it didn’t measure up.  I didn’t measure up.   Running a marathon takes a toll not just on the body which it beats up pretty badly, but it also takes a toll on the mind.    So just as the body needs a break to recover from running, the mind needs a break from it too.

I was texting a friend who contacted me about my last blog post.    She was saying how she had dreamed about running NY here whole life and although she finished, she was not happy with her time either.   Since the marathon, she has been pushing herself with her miles and paces.   The thing is…….    No matter what she does now, it will not change the outcome of the marathon.   As I told her though, just finishing is honestly an amazing accomplishment.    As another saying goes, if running a marathon was easy; everyone would do it.   As true as that statement is, it does not necessarily make it better though.   That being said, as with everything in life you must make peace with the past.   Our marathon times are in the past.    We can’t go back and change them and the would of, could of, and should of’s in life will drive you nuts.   So it is time to more forward.

Life is about redemption.   Moving forward.   The past is important.   Lessons should be learned and with any luck mistakes will not be repeated.

There are other races even the same ones if we choose.

There is also time.    Time may not heal all wounds ( I think that is the biggest misconception), but it does make things easier.     And no amount of running today will change races already run.   There will be a time to decide on what paces, distances, and races to run but today is not that day.     Next year’s races are just that.

Next year….

2017

 

No Regrets

Nov1

5 Days

Yup that’s it.

The taper crazies are not setting in as I’ve got too much going on and could use the time away from running.   That being said, it doesn’t mean that my mind is not going.

I’ve been looking at the course.   I’ve been thinking about my goals.   I’ve been thinking about how far I’ve come and it’s been far.

Very far.

I started this journey just a few short years ago.    I think it’s been 5 years now.   How the time goes.

IMG_2278This is me when I started going to the gym.   When I decided it was time.    When never having even done a 5K, I signed up for my first Sprint Triathlon.    It was during this training that I realized that running wasn’t so bad.    That is was actually something to be enjoyed not just endured.    That I would miss it on days that I didn’t run.  That it would bring people into my life that I adore.   It also taught me that I could accomplish things I could only imagine if I just worked hard enough.

Then I thought about my last marathon (can’t believe I use the word last and not only).    I ran Marine Corps Marathon in 4:38:14.    It was a solid race, but there were things I would have done differently.   There were regrets.

 365840_210208824_XLarge(As a side note, I am only 10 pounds lighter here than in the picture above but look at those solid legs.    Remember the number on the scale can lie)

Now back to the story….

The other day I went out for 6 miles.   I spent a good portion of that run having a pep talk with myself reminding myself how far I’ve come.    I reminded myself that I’ve come even further since MCM.    That I am stronger now.   That I have already proven that I can go the distance.   That this year alone I’ve already run more than  1050 miles and still going strong.  Last year I literally was going out at the end of December to hit 1000.    That I am better trained that I was for MCM.   That I’m stronger and faster.  That I need to run (not walk) away from the NYC Marathon with one thing…

NO REGRETS!

Yes, a little phycing out is a good thing.

I came up with my goal.   A realistic goal according to my coach too.

So what is my goal?

I want to run the NYCM in 4:30.

I’ve got a goal and now I’ve got a plan and don’t see a reason why I can’t reach it either.

No regrets.

As long as I give it all I’ve got.    As long as I don’t give up.   As long as I push to the end.

There will be

NO REGRETS

Flexibility is the Key

Sep8

Yesterday I had an 8 mile run scheduled.

As anyone with school aged kids will tell you, the start of the school season is ruff.   First there is the adjusting to the schedule to knowing who needs to be where when and everything in between.   On top of all of that craziness, I in my infinite wisdom a few years ago took on the responsibility of running my son’s Cub Scout Pack in addition to being his Den Leader.   So this brings on a whole host of responsibilities and just like the beginning of the school year, the beginning of the Scouting year is also a bear.

Now normally when the kids are all dropped off at school, I like to start my run by 9:00.   Yesterday though I figured that I would first take care of some Cub Scout stuff that needed to be done.   I figured that I would be done by 11:00 at the latest.   One thing leads to another and another.   Before I know it, it is almost noon.

CRAP!

Now I’m hungry.

So knowing I’ve got a run, I quick eat a bowl of cereal.   Finally get out for my run a little after 12:45.   Do some quick calculations and realize that there is just NO WAY that I am getting in a whole 8 miles due to needing to start the school pick-up cycle.

CRAP!

Then I start to map out in my mind how far and where to run.   I figure that I can probably squeeze in 5 miles or close to it.

CRAP!

Then in the midst of my panic, I wonder what the Hell my problem is and what is wrong with me.   Running is supposed to be my stress relief.   It felt good to get out the door after sitting all morning.   Why am I causing myself more anxiety instead of letting the run take it away?

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Then I had an epiphany that I’ve had before.    Running is NOT my job.  I RUN BECAUSE I LIKE TO RUN!    Yes, I know that I need to stick to my schedule and train if I want to be able to finish all these races that I’ve signed up for.    Yes, I know that training is important, but so is flexibility.    My “job” is to do the things that I do at home not only because I “have to” but because I want to.   No one assigned me these jobs.   I decided that I wanted kids.   I decided that I wanted 3 of them.   I decided that I wanted to do the things that I do for our house, my kids, and our family.   They are my priority.

That is not to say that I should not take time for myself and the things that I want to do.  My run at the beach is a prime example of that rationale.   That is not to say that everything that is important to me comes second.   It just means that I need to be more flexible and cut myself a break.   Especially when there is a lot going on.   The trick is to know what days, I really need flexibility and what days I need a kick in the pants.

Can You Do It?

Aug22

It’s hard not to compare yourself to others.   I wonder if it’s human nature.

Yesterday I completed my longest run since my 50K.    I ran 14 miles and to be honest, I didn’t run the whole thing.   During this time, the baddest BAMR that I know was completing her I believe third FULL Ironman.   She truly is amazing.

You know what?

Her amazing and mind boggling feats do not cancel out my hard fought 14 miles.

You know why?

It’s an apple and an orange.

Because I am in competition with no one but myself.   Yes, right now, I am not the best competitor, but still.

Some of us (and I admit sometimes me too, but only briefly) think….

I’ll never be as fast as….

I’ll never run as far as….

I’ll never be blah, blah, blah…

You know what?

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It’s all noise.   It’s all a distraction.   It means nothing.    It keeps us from our potential. For a long time I let what others could do that I couldn’t hold me back.  I haven’t in a long time.   I have the feeling that Meb and others at the top of their game don’t do this.   Not because they are better than the rest of us (which lets be honest, they are).   It is because they have confidence in themselves and their abilities.   Yes, it’s probably much easier to do if your Meb, but there can only be one Meb.

 For the average person, having confidence in oneself is hard.   It means putting yourself out there even just in our own mind.    Sometimes we talk ourselves out of something by saying we can’t do it.  On some level it is easier to doubt ourselves than to try and then fail.  Hence the reason I haven’t really committed to a diet:(

Here’s the thing though……

If you don’t put yourself out there, how will you know what you can do?

Now I’m not saying that we all need to run marathons, complete an ironman, or even run any races.   I’m saying that we need to be honest with ourselves, our goals, and what we really want.    If you never set any goals, how will you know when you’ve gotten to where you want to go?

I have a friend whose goal is simply to run 3 times a week.   Another friend wants to qualify for Boston.   Others streak every day for a mininimum of a mile.   Some have BIG goals and others are just starting out and want to be able to run a mile.    No matter what the goal, no matter how big or small you think they are, it important to have them.

I’m beginning to wonder if this is my problem with my NYCM training.   Yes my goal last year was to quality which I did, but now I really don’t have a goal.   I’ve already run 2 road marathons.   Last year I set a private goal for the Marine Corps Marathon of finishing in 4:30 which I missed by 8 minutes and 14 seconds (yes, the seconds count).   So maybe part of my problem is that in the back of my mind I’m wondering if I won’t be able to do it this time either.  A little self sabotage goes a long way.

There is a saying that I love about children.   It speaks about how children become what you tell them they can or can not be.   The same thing applies to adults though.   If your inner voice says you can’t do something, you won’t ever do it.

So it’s time I take my own advice and remember……

It’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried in the first place.

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What are your goals?

It’s Not Always Easy

Jul26

We all have our doubts.   We all have our insecurities.   We all have our trigger points.  The part of growing is not only recognizing them, but accepting them and dealing with them and moving past them.

I come across as a very positive person.   For the most part I am a glass half full kind of gall.   I’m even the I am blessed to have a glass kind of gal.  I also may come across as a confident person not an obnoxiously confident  I’m better than you person, but the confidence in myself and abilities.

I’ll let you in on a little secret.

Some days I’m not.   The trick is on these days (and sometimes it is more than a day) is to push through.  It’s not always easy to face things.   Some days it is easy to get lost in the darkness.   Some days you need to remind yourself to push through.  It is easy to unpack and stay as even though it is a dark and scary, it can be easier to stay than move forward.   Sometimes it’s hard to move forward, but with each step it gets easier.  The more you move ahead, the brighter it becomes.

light-illusion

Some days I think to myself,

“why do I do all these races?”

“What is the point?”

“What are you trying to prove?”

and

“What is the point?”

Here’s my truth….

I was never athletic.   I am not a fast runner.   I do not look like the typical runner.   I am a middle of the pack runner who has yet to complete a marathon without walking.

Yet….

I keep running.

Some days I must remind myself that is enough.

Some days I must be mindful not to  allow myself to talk myself in a way that I would never put up with from anyone else.

Some days I must remind myself that outside opinions do not matter.

Some days, I must remind myself that I am in competition with no one but myself.    That from where I started, I have come so far.   That I do this for no one but me.   That the point to this is what ever I want it to be.

I’ve been told by more than one person that they find me inspiring.   Every time I hear that I laugh a little to myself.   Some days I forget that I am not the same person that I was growing up.   That I have come so far and further than many people will ever realize.

The trick in not just our training but in life is to keep moving forward.   It’s ok to stumble, but each time you do

get up

dust yourself off

and

get moving again.

PS – I went out for 8 miles today:) 🙂

Yeah I Went There

Jul17

I’ve tried to deny it.   I’ve wanted to pretend it doesn’t affect me.    In truth I wish I could be done with the whole thing, but alas I’ve still got time to go and it seems to get worse as I near the end of it.   My husband wouldn’t be shocked, but don’t tell him that I am admitting to it; but I suffer from PMS.

Yeah I went there.

Apparently, there aren’t too many places I won’t go:)

Actually there are, but this is a normal thing that women have to deal with month after month after month.

People don’t like to REALLY talk about it other than the off hand comments or jokes, but it’s real.   It sucks and it’s real.

pms

    I always thought men were lucky at races zipping off to use a tree instead of being forced to wait for a porta potty but not dealing with this makes them even luckier.    I wonder if they have anything that effects their moods, water retention, and energy levels every month.    My husband may say me, but he best be careful what time of the month he says that!  Of course if men had to deal with this, it would be a medical epidemic that needed to be studied and a pill designed to fix it.

One thing I will say is that I do notice is that the older I’m getting, the worse it is getting.    Maybe it is because I’m hopefully nearing it’s inevitable end, but then I think there will be a whole host of other things to deal with.    Maybe it is getting worse because in years past, I wasn’t trying to do anything when suffering with it except maybe hide the chocolate and sneak in a nap.   Now I’m out there trying to run a workout and sometimes it just doesn’t work out.

Case in point.

  Friday I knew it was going to be hot, so I went to my local gym to run my cut-down.   I had 8 miles starting easy but getting progressively harder.   I knew it wouldn’t be easy to do in the heat and even though I hate treadmill running it needed to be done.   I get there realizing I forget my towel and also that I wont’ have enough time to do the whole thing.   Already decide to shorten it to 6.    Get set up and go.   By mile 2 physically, I’m moving right along.    Then my headphones die.   NO MUSIC!    They gym does have tv’s but they are all replaying/analyzing the tragedy in Nice.   Now I run to take a break from all the crap in the world.   I need this down time.  This is not what I want to focus on for the next hour.    I end up shortening the run to a 3.2 miles and calling it a day.   Quick miles, but not the miles I should have run and on any other day of the month I probably would have sucked it up.

The following day,  I had 10 miles on the books.   Again due to kids schedule, I know that I won’t have time to complete them all once I adjust (sloooooow down) my pace for the scorching heat (high 80’s – remember this is Jersey not Texas).    Get out there and even though I’ve been running in heat, somehow it feels even hotter.   I want to bag my run almost immediately.   My mind starts with “why are you sabotaging yourself after 2 great weeks of training”  and “what is the point of even doing this.”   The run is a struggle.   My mind is pure negativity.   I have muscle aches.   My stomach isn’t right. My pace is even slower than the slow pace I wanted.   Luckily, I run away from home, so there was no going back until I got in some decent miles.   I ended up finishing with 8 which I’m ok with, but it was not pretty.   I was ready at the end to hang up my running shoes by the end and not just for the day.

Then I had my aha moment.    It’s not that what I’m doing is pointless.   It’s not that I’m a sucky runner.    It’s not that I am trying to self sabotage.   It honestly and simply is that I was suffering (and if you’ve never experienced it you won’t understand why I used the word suffering) with PMS.   Men think it’s an excuse.   Men don’t think it’s real, but the fact is that it affects a lot of us in various ways. It’s also not funny.   I’m just really starting to realize how it affects me.    I so can’t wait to be done with it all.

There is an upside

not much, but I always try to find the silver lining.

sun1.jpg

I think that PMS makes me a stronger runner mentally.   It sometimes wins the battle, but the fact that month after month I have this negative voice in my head that I have to shut down and work around makes me stronger. It’s like having to prove to the bully that teases you that you aren’t good enough that in fact you ARE good enough.   Then there are the aches, pains, and tenderness that come with it.    I still run through them (most of the time).    This will help on those hard and long runs.

I’m not saying that PMS effects every woman.   I’m not saying that even those that deal with it have the same issues that I do.   This is just me:)

I know I’m not the only one.   I just might be the only one to put it out there:)

 

 

 

 

We’re All A Little Crazy. Aren’t We?

Jun17
I’ve got a race tomorrow.   A race that until very recently, I had forgotten that I signed up for.   A race that I signed up for in my sub 2 NYC Half haze.   I wanted to race it again and I didn’t want to chance the lottery, so I signed up for a few races.   Then I forgot about them.
These things will happen.   Now I am running a 10K in Queens.
I’m going to be bold
I’m going to be crazy
I’m going to push the envelope
And
With any luck that means I will run fast
Very fast for me
No I haven’t been doing speed workouts, but I’m still going to go for it
Last year I ran the Queens 10k in 1:00:47
My 10k PR is 57:08
So I thought why not go for 55
Crazy, I know!
I’m not ready
I’ve been running slow
I’m in a rut
But
Still..
Maybe this is what I need.    I really think it is.
Why Not?
I may crash and burn
But
Maybe
Just maybe
With a little luck and some unicorn magic
I won’t
I’ll never know unless I try.
Now I’ve put it out there and you know too.
If I crash and burn, at least I will have tried.
effort

Real Friends Don’t Let You Skip Your Run!

Jun11

 Everybody needs somebody.  I’ve said before since coming off the Dirty German I’m in a bit of a slump.   I think it’s like being a kid on Christmas morning and opening the last present and then realizing there is nothing more.   Yes, I’ve got New York City in November but that’s a long time away.   I’m mentally not there.   Right now, I’m mentally just trying to get back into the rhythm of training.   It’s actually important to keep my arobic base now so that when I do start the training for NYCM I’m not starting from square one.

Here’s the problem.

chocolates

I really don’t care.   I want to just sit and eat bon bons.    The problem with that is my metabolism won’t allow me to sit and eat bon bons.   Boo Hoo.   Besides it’s not that I don’t love running.   It’s not that I don’t need running.    It’s just the schedule.   I’ll be honest though without a schedule my 8 mile run might only be a 5 mile run.   That would mean my 5 miles would only be 3 and so forth and so forth.

Schedule are good.

Schedules are necessary.

I will say my coach does a really great job of scheduling too.

I think once the end of the school year is over, I will be better.   Just so much as I’ve said before.

Too much.

That being said,   at this point what really is keeping me going and honest in my training (although I haven’t been 100%) is my friends.    I think with everything in life friends make everything better!    This morning I was sitting on the couch drinking my coffee knowing that I had 8 miles that needed to be done.   I was contemplating just staying there when my friend texted me she was getting ready to leave for her run and did I want to join her.   It gave me the incentive to get my behind off the couch.

I know that when I’m dedicated to my training, I will do what needs to be done.   I will put the miles in at the required paces.   I will also do many of these miles alone as I don’t mind.   That being said, there is something to be said when your just not feeling it to have your friends nudge you along,  to keep you honest, to remind you that this is something you really like doing, and most of all to keep you company.

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