Quiet Please

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Yesterday, I had what my coach calls a cut-down. I guess it is similar to a tempo run but a little different.

When I first started with my coach it took me a while to adjust to these runs. With most things, it gets better with practice. I find these runs are also a great way to get good at learning to keep pace. The thing is when I started my cut-downs were not as fast as they are now. Here was yesterdays scheduled run:

1 mile easy
1 miles @ 8:55-9:05
1 miles @ 8:45-55
1 miles @ 8:35-45
1 miles @ 8:20-35
1 miles easy

Just looking at these paces makes me wonder what I am doing. But this week I am determined to get all my assigned runs in at my assigned paces if possible. If nothing else I am comitted to stop making lame excuses. Although it’s not always easy.

I knew that I wanted to do this cut-down on a treadmill. I also knew that I wouldn’t be able to go till the evening. Then evening comes and I’m ready to go…… But first

Hubby has been home sick and I run to pick him up some soup (yeah, I’m good like that)

Literally while pulling into parking lot of YMCA – “Mom, can you pick me and my friends (they are out at local festival) and they are going to come back and hang out our house.” I’m like sure when only to find out that he meant right then. Out of the parking lot I go.

Hubby, “Are you still planning to go run?”

AHHHHHH, yes I am. On a day less committed, I might have said no. Not last night. So finally get to the treadmill and think that maybe I won’t do the full 6. Maybe I’ll only do 5. Maybe I won’t run as fast as cut-down calls for. On and on that little voice goes and mile by mile I shut her down.

Was the run hard. You bet, but I think that is the point. I’m always amazed when a hard run is over that I could actually do it. There is a sense of accomplishment not only with completing a hard run, but shutting down that inner voice that wants you to take the easy way out.

Some days the voice is quiet, but on these days where it is a constant struggle to shut it up I know I am that much stronger. It is learning to shut up this voice that will help me push through the wall in a marathon or any hard run for that matter. For most or at least for me, the wall is not based on pain or at least pain that can’t be run through. It is when the voice becomes to loud and I fall into the trap and listen to her. These are the runs that teach me that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. These are the runs that will remind me that that voice is a liar.

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Iron Girl

Sep2

Today’s training called for swimming. As with a lot of my training recently, I’ve finally been getting back on track with what I should be doing. With my Sprint Triathlon coming, I really want to make sure to be getting my swimming in just for peace of mind.

Today my goal when I went to the pool was to just swim. I wanted to just remind myself that I can do this. So I swam and I swam and I swam some more. Not stopping. No putting my feet down. I wanted to do 20 lengths of the pool which is 1/4 mile as with my Tri it was not all smooth or pretty. What it ended up being was 24 lengths. I was feeling good so I thought more is better.

The thing about swimming in the pool is there is no panic. There are no waves crashing in my face and there is no mental game. One day I hope to swim this event feeling confident in my swim and not that I am going to drown. I’m not sure that will ever happen, but that’s ok. If one thing the swim does, it teaches me not to give up.

In my coach’s last email to me she told me to “keep it easy.” It’s funny this seems to be the motto for this event. In looking at my results this last few years is that I keep it easier and easier….

Case in Point

Total Swim T1 Bike T2 Run Standings

Sept 8, 2013 01:34:10 23:13 3:43 34:22 3:34 29:18 582/1142

Sept 7, 2014 01:53:13 20:03 3:27 1:01:34 1:15 27.54 356/833

**2014 Iron Girl bike miles were 15 compared to Iron Girl 2013 at 10

Sept 13, 201515 2:12:42 20:53 6:21 11:11:07 2:30 31.53 522/729

It seems like every year I am keeping it easier and easier. I don’t think this year will be any exception especially since I am running 14 miles the day before, not wearing my Garmin, and haven’t been on my bike all summer. In looking at these results I realize that I’ve been pretty consistent with my swim probably since I do it as a cross training exercise. My bike, on the other hand hasn’t really left my shed a lot this summer. My Bad.

So I’m throwing the gauntlet down. This year, I expect nothing. I, as always, expect it to be hard. I expect to finish, but I do not expect to break any records.

Some might ask why I continue to do this race if I am not actually planning to race it hard. I do it because as my friend who knows me so well so correctly put it. It reminds me of where I started. It holds a special place in my heart.

No this race has never been good as the first year when both the training and actual race was done with friends. Yes, it is a little sad going to a big event by yourself and not sharing the day with anyone. But that also doesn’t take away from how much I enjoy it. So I will suit up, make the lonely drive at 4:30 in the morning, and run this event in a week and not regret a single minute of it. This is the one event that I can honestly say that I would miss if I didn’t do it.

I am an Iron Girl at heart:)

Come Back to Me……

Sep1

After many months, I was FINALLY able to get a much need run in with a friend tonight. The beauty of your running friends is they will tell you what you want to hear, sometimes things you don’t want to hear, and just listen while you ramble on too. It’s a special thing:)

We were talking about my training and her training as she is also doing New York. We both have similar goals except that I’m not really sure of my goals right now. Things are kind of up in the air, but she made me laugh telling me not to be a “teenager and just do it.” She further pointed out that my training has been getting back on track and that if I give it just a little more time so will my head. Part of that has to do with once the kids get back in school and I can get back to my normal schedule.

Here’s hoping.

I said to her that it has really been a difficult summer and it is even ending on a not so fun note. All of these things are have not totally sucked the life out of my training because I am finally able to get my workouts in. Maybe not all of them, but I’m getting better. I’m getting back doing what I need to do, it is just sucking my get up and go.

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I’ve said before that part of my problem is that last year when training for Marine Corps Marathon, I had committed goals. They were concrete. I don’t have that this time. I am missing the drive that I had. I am trying to find it. I really am, but part of me keeps questioning in the end what does it matter. I know it would be a source of pride to me to run a marathon in 4:30 or under, but other than that what will the point be? I have PR’d in various events. In looking at Athlinks today, I realized that there were a few events that I finished decently and one I even came in first in my age group. Of course, there were only 4 women in that group but still. I’m wondering…… What does it matter?

I not only love to run, but being a runner is part of who I am now. If I were to never run another race again (that’s not happening – don’t panic), I would still need running in my life. I love running, but I’m growing weary of training. Not physically, but mentally.

I know all this mumbo jumbo in my head is due to all that has happened this summer. You can’t loose a loved one and not think about what is important in your life. I wish that was all, but like the commercials says “but there’s more!”

I am committed to running the New York City Marathon. I am committed to training for the New York City Marathon. I am committed to finishing the New York City Marathon. I just wish I knew how I wanted to finish it and what I want out of race day.

It feels good to say that. It feels good to know that.

That is the one thing that has fallen into place today while other things were falling out of place. I do know that I am committed to New York which will mean that I will be committed to training for it. Like a child whose old toys is about to be thrown away, I did not realize how important this has become to me until the prospect of having to bow out became a possibility.

If there sounds like there is more to this story, there is but I’m not at a point to share it all. In the scheme of things it’s not anything tragic or bad, it is just something that I have to deal with. Like laundry, some things just need to be done. When the time is right, I will let you know.

Damned if You Do and Damned if You don’t

Aug31

Believe it or not I’ve not only been getting my training in, but I’ve also been feeling pretty good while doing it too. Who knew? All it took was sticking to it:):)

One of the things that I’ve had to do to get my runs in is to run at night. As I’ve said before I’m all about safety when I’m out running. My goal is always simple….. To come home safely from every run. This takes a little more when running in the dark than the basics.

Here is the thing though. When dressed appropriately, I’ve had friends laughingly joke that they should hit me just because of how I look. They are not alone at laughing at me. My dear husband hangs his head in shame and laughs when he sees me getting ready for a night run. When out for a run last night a little girl walking with her Daddy asked, “What is that?”

I do hope that her Daddy said just someone trying to be safe while running.

To be honest, I’m not sure what is so funny about what I’m wearing. My night running go to is the Tracer360 and a headlamp. My running pants usually have built in reflector strips and I usually wear bright colored compression socks.

Night Running

I actually think this looks very appropriate for night running.

Here is the thing though. If you have ever looked at any of my tutu running race photos you will clearly see that I will wear what I want when it comes to my running. I am a bit of a round peg that can not be put into a square hole. There might have been a time that i would have tried to fit into that square hole but not anymore. I will wear what I want and it’s that simple.

Here’s the other thing if a runner is out running in the dark and not dressed appropriately and something happens, the first thing people will say is that they should have been more visible. Tonight I actually saw two such runners. One I didn’t even notice till we passed each other. Not smart and not safe. I hope seeing me made them think, “I should wear something/anything that will make me more viable.”

It’s funny as adults it seems like many times people don’t make the smart choice for a whole host of reasons. Take bike helmets for example. Outside of serious riders, how many adults do you see wearing their helmets? Not many. But how many of these same people would never think to not make their child wear one. Adults I know that don’t wear one because it will mess their hair, make them look like a dork, ect, ect. I think there is a similar thing going on when it comes to night running.

Here is my question though to all those night runners out there wearing dark clothes, no reflective gear, no blinkies, ect, ect….

“WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF YOU LOOK LIKE A DORK AS LONG AS YOU ARE BEING SMART AND SAFE?”

I recently went for my annual check up. My doctor was asking the “Do you” questions. She said something that I found amusing when talking about the flu shot. She said, “Don’t die of something stupid.” I think this applies here.

I’ll admit that it pisses me off somewhat too as I find that those who are out there not running safely give the rest of us a bad rap. It also not only puts them in danger, but also an unsuspecting driver. I have a new teen driver and I think about these things more than I care to admit.

I think the bottom line really is that people don’t know the rules of the road when running. There is no test to hit the streets nor should there be one. But if you are going to go out there running at ANY time of day or night, you should learn them.

Here are in my opinion the most important ones

Run against traffic
No headphones on roads/trails (I listen to music through phone)
Run on the shoulder of the road and avoid high traffic roads when possible
Be polite and respectful
Wear reflective clothing/gear at night
Be alert and prepared to get out of the way
Run with ID
Let people know where you are running and how long you will be gone

Safety first.

Because in a game of chicken with an oncoming car, the runner ALWAYS looses and I looses big.

It’s really that simple.

It Is What It Is……

Aug27

My Coach recently wrote,

“Running is Simple. Life is hard.”

I really think that she hit the nail on the head. This quote resonated with me. The act of running is simple and at it’s core is beautiful, freeing, and wonderful. Life on the other hand is full of complications, busy, and not always your own. Don’t get me wrong, it is also beautiful and wonderful and I wouldn’t change mine for anything.

Now to some it may seem that I am making excuses. Some day’s maybe, but overall no. The truth is running is supposed to be my stress reliever. It is supposed to be my “Calgon take me away” moment. (If your too young to understand that analogy, more power to you:).

Now don’t get me wrong. I know many women who never miss a day of training. Who come rain or shine get their workouts in no matter what is going on in their lives. Maybe the truth is that I’m not that dedicated or good at balancing and timing. Now I don’t mean that I’m not dedicated to my running, but I’m at a point where my training is not taking center stage.

Case in point…….

Yesterday, I had a cut-down on my schedule. Had planned to wake up around 8:00 to go run it on the treadmill at the gym. Hubby ends up taking the day off and I decide to have my coffee with him instead thinking that I will go in the evening. The day progresses and I’m working on my youngest son’s cake for his birthday party. Then hubby decides he’s going to do an evening fishing with his buddy. Still think that I’ll be able to get my run in, but by the end of the day it gets away from me. Now, I’m sure if I were super dedicated that I would have found the time to squeeze it in and maybe part of me wanted to avoid the dreaded cut-down. That being said, a big part of me just wanted to be home with my family.

Now today, I have 14 miles on the books. Yes, I could have gotten up at 6:00 to run like many of my dedicated friends, but I didn’t. I waited up for hubby to get home as dozing on the couch is not quality sleep and didn’t make it to bed till almost 1:00. Then I have my son’s birthday party today at 2:30 and this morning will require some last minute running around for it. Especially since I realized that I forgot to buy plates! I want to enjoy the morning with family.

I will run tonight. I will light up the night. I’m no fool, I know that I need to get my training in to do the things I want to do. It would be like expecting my children to do good in school without putting in the work.

I really am trying to be better with my training, but it’s hard. I’m not complaining even if it sounds like it. I’m just tired. I’m sure that once we get into the fall schedule it will be better. I also know that I’m the one who asked to do all this. I’m the one who signed up for all the races. I’m the one who hired a coach who puts together kick ass 6 day a week training schedule. I’m also the one who has to do the work.

And I will.

as one of my favorite expressions says….

It is

What it is

Do You Have The Time?

Aug26

I’ve been trying to get my act together. To not miss any workouts. To be better.

I said to a friend not too long ago that it’s not that I don’t want to run the NYCM, it is that I don’t want to train to run it. Well even though I have the cape, I’m no Wonder Woman and will need to train. That being said, it also occurred to me that I’ve got some other things coming up before NY. One of them being the Sandy Hook Iron Girl Sprint Triathlon. It is the race that started it all. It is the race that led me to discover the joy of running. It is the race that changed it all. I’ve done it three times now and it holds a special place in my heart. It will never be as good as the first time when a bunch of us ran it, but I still love it.

Iron Girl 3

Today my training plan called for 40 minutes of swimming. I haven’t been really good about getting my swims in. My coach might have even said (yes she did) that I was treating the swims as optional. It also occurred to me that I’m only two weeks or so away from Sandy Hook and I really need to get my swims in. Plus swimming really is a prefect cross training activity for running. It was also made that much easier to go because hubby had a house full of work friends over to do their Fantasy Football Draft.

The hard part of any training is actually getting out the door. Once there and in the pool, I wondered why I hadn’t done more of it. I got into a rhythm of swimming my laps. A rhythm that will leave me once I hit the bay with no floor, breaking waves, and a mass of other swimmers. The swim is my least favorite part of the Tri. I end up loosing the rhythm and strokes so easily done it the pool. I panic a little and end up doing too much back stroke, head out of the water, gasping for air, and looking like I don’t know how to swim. Yet, I still do it.

So tonight in the calmness of the pool swimming my many laps, I was thinking a great deal about my September 11th Triathlon. I came up with a plan. A shocking non plan. Something that is so out of what I would expect me to come up with as a plan. But once I thought about it, I knew was what I needed for this event.

I am going to run it naked and I don’t mean without my Trisuit!!!

I am going to run it sans Garmin!

Shocked?

I know normally, I would be but when the thought came to me, I knew it was perfect. I knew it is what I need to do. I know it might help me to focus on the moment without fear of time. Besides the beauty of a race is that even if I don’t know my time during the race, I can certainly find out as soon as I cross the finish line.

Here is my reasoning…….

As far as my training goes, I am really only trained for the run. I have never trained for it like I did the first year. I do this race only because I enjoy the race. I want to not focus on what my watch says that I am doing, but what my body tells me I’m doing. I don’t need splits to tell me that. This is not to say that I am not planning to go out there and give it all I’ve got, because I am. That is the point. Let my body decide and not my watch.

I guess I will find out the morning of September 11th if this is a crazy thing to do or not. I do know that if it’s one thing I’ve got is more than enough crazy to go around.

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Have you ever run an event without your trusty watch?

Can You Do It?

Aug22

It’s hard not to compare yourself to others. I wonder if it’s human nature.

Yesterday I completed my longest run since my 50K. I ran 14 miles and to be honest, I didn’t run the whole thing. During this time, the baddest BAMR that I know was completing her I believe third FULL Ironman. She truly is amazing.

You know what?

Her amazing and mind boggling feats do not cancel out my hard fought 14 miles.

You know why?

It’s an apple and an orange.

Because I am in competition with no one but myself. Yes, right now, I am not the best competitor, but still.

Some of us (and I admit sometimes me too, but only briefly) think….

I’ll never be as fast as….

I’ll never run as far as….

I’ll never be blah, blah, blah…

You know what?

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It’s all noise. It’s all a distraction. It means nothing. It keeps us from our potential. For a long time I let what others could do that I couldn’t hold me back. I haven’t in a long time. I have the feeling that Meb and others at the top of their game don’t do this. Not because they are better than the rest of us (which lets be honest, they are). It is because they have confidence in themselves and their abilities. Yes, it’s probably much easier to do if your Meb, but there can only be one Meb.

For the average person, having confidence in oneself is hard. It means putting yourself out there even just in our own mind. Sometimes we talk ourselves out of something by saying we can’t do it. On some level it is easier to doubt ourselves than to try and then fail. Hence the reason I haven’t really committed to a diet:(

Here’s the thing though……

If you don’t put yourself out there, how will you know what you can do?

Now I’m not saying that we all need to run marathons, complete an ironman, or even run any races. I’m saying that we need to be honest with ourselves, our goals, and what we really want. If you never set any goals, how will you know when you’ve gotten to where you want to go?

I have a friend whose goal is simply to run 3 times a week. Another friend wants to qualify for Boston. Others streak every day for a mininimum of a mile. Some have BIG goals and others are just starting out and want to be able to run a mile. No matter what the goal, no matter how big or small you think they are, it important to have them.

I’m beginning to wonder if this is my problem with my NYCM training. Yes my goal last year was to quality which I did, but now I really don’t have a goal. I’ve already run 2 road marathons. Last year I set a private goal for the Marine Corps Marathon of finishing in 4:30 which I missed by 8 minutes and 14 seconds (yes, the seconds count). So maybe part of my problem is that in the back of my mind I’m wondering if I won’t be able to do it this time either. A little self sabotage goes a long way.

There is a saying that I love about children. It speaks about how children become what you tell them they can or can not be. The same thing applies to adults though. If your inner voice says you can’t do something, you won’t ever do it.

So it’s time I take my own advice and remember……

It’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried in the first place.

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What are your goals?

No More

Aug19

tEven I am getting tired of my excuses.

Tonight I went to my local YMCA to run my 6 mile cut-down. It was a fast one and I didn’t want to do it outside. To be honest, I didn’t want to do it at all. Shortly after dinner though, I changed into my running clothes before I could come up with an excuse not to go.

Get there and start running.

First warm up mile isn’t too bad. Not great, but ok. I realize that I’m not used to running fast. To be honest, I’m not sure that I am used to running anymore. I do know that I’m certainly not used to running on a full stomach and I’m not used to running at the end of the day as opposed to the morning. These things do make a difference.

Mile 2 hits.

BAM!

It’s way too fast. Not sure of which one of my already listed excuses it was, but I knew that I would not be able to hit these faster paces tonight. Then that little voice in the back of my head starts thinking, “Well since you aren’t going to hit your paces, you might as well not even worry about running the full 6 miles either.”

I know it doesn’t make sense, but that little voice always seems so reasonable. So smart. So easy to listen to. It’s like when your on a diet and you slip up and have a cookie. Then the voice tells you since you already ruined your diet with one cookie, you might has well eat a dozen of them.

Reasonable.

Not in the least, but always so tempting to listen to that voice. Most of us fall for this trap all the time. I missed one run this week, I might as well miss two. ect, ect.

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So I start to have this internal dialogue with myself that I am tired of all the excuses. Now I am not saying that some of them are not valid excuses, but still…… I keep telling myself to cut the crap and just do it. It’s not an excuse not hitting my paces tonight. That happens. We all have our off days. But it would have been an excuse to give up on the run as a whole. So I adjust the paces. I still do a cut-down, but one that I think I can actually do tonight. Then I just go mile by mile.

I’ll be honest, at mile 4 I was thinking of calling it a day. I was thinking of starting my cool down and just doing 5 miles. Then one of my running friends husbands says hello and asks how far I’m running. Damn you! But it might have been just enough motivation I needed to keep going.

I finished 6 miles.

You know what? I’m glad I did.

No guilt.

We as mother runner’s already have enough guilt in our lives that our workout routines should not add to it. I know that if I didn’t at least complete the full 6 miles tonight that I would have felt like I gave up. There are times I shouldn’t feel guilty about missing a run, but today would not have been one of those days. Cutting this run short though would have just been me giving into the little voice in my head.

I’m so glad that I won this round. I think the trick is to turn off that voice enough times that finally it shuts up.

Today I won.

I’ll tell you another little secret. After I decided to do the whole thing, it felt good and I even got into the groove of the run.

So the moral of the story is….

Just do it:)

Do You Know Where Your Going To?

Aug15

Diana Ross sang it best and I still can hear her sing the words (Yes, I’m that old)

Do you know where you’re going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Where are you going to, do you know?
Do you get what you’re hoping for?
When you look behind you there’s no open door.
What are you hoping for, do you know?

It’s been a roller coaster of emotions these last few weeks filled with ups and downs. It’s made these words play through my mind more than once.

My family went on our annual family camping vacation. Don’t crunch your nose up, camping really is fun in a back to nature kind of way. Yes, there are downsides to sleeping in a tent for almost 2 weeks, but the good far out ways the bad.

Really

Here are just some examples of the good

Usually what is even better is this view comes with limited outside noise as there is no available cell service or wifi in camp and when needed requires seeking it out and leaving camp. Something, I try not to do to enjoy the peace and tranquility. This year though this normal good thing did cause somewhat of a dilemma.

This year, time away from camp that would have been spent either running or biking was spent searching for the elusive signal usually followed by the question, “Can you hear me now?”

I gladly gave up this time as I’ve said before sometimes other things are just more important. While away, sadly but not expectantly, my almost 92 year old grandmother passed away. Training was not a priority.

Vacation wasn’t a bust, but it was different. It had it’s ups and downs. Then two days after we got back, yesterday, we laid my Grandmother to rest.

Today I finally went out on a run. Not because it was in my schedule which I totally have been off, but because I needed to.

It was hot. It was humid. I had to get up early. It sucked. It was hard. All that being said, I needed it. I met a friend for the first half of the run and it was good to run with her. It is always good to run with her as miles don’t seem as bad when your chatting them away. Then I ran her home where she refilled my water bottles and I was off again. As much as I enjoyed running with my friend, I also enjoyed these solitary miles too. It was nice to be with m own thoughts for a bit too.

The beauty of this run is that it really was just a run to run. I kept the pace slow due to the heat. I walked when I felt I needed to. I stood in a sprinkler when I could find one. There was no pace. There was n plan other than to run 10 miles. It is what I needed.

During the second part of the run, I had Diana Ross’s beautiful voice in my head with no answers. I’ve been questioning where my running is taking me and what am I hoping for. I’ve got no answers. At this point, I plan to just keep plugging way. Trying to get back onto a schedule. Trying to find the drive that got me to where I am now, but it’s hard. Part of me just wants to run to run. No more training. Nor more paces. Just the freedom to run. It’s not the normal, I’m tired of training that comes near the end of marathon training when it feels like a job. This is different and I’ve been feeling this way for a bit now.

That being said, I have worked too hard to get where I am. I am not giving up on running the NY City Marathon. I’m just hoping to find the spark that started it all again.

I’m holding onto what my friend told me today. It will come easier when the kids are back in school and I don’t feel like my running is interfering with family time.

Until such time, I will just keep running:)

Do You Know Where Your Going To?

It’s Not Always Easy

Jul26

We all have our doubts. We all have our insecurities. We all have our trigger points. The part of growing is not only recognizing them, but accepting them and dealing with them and moving past them.

I come across as a very positive person. For the most part I am a glass half full kind of gall. I’m even the I am blessed to have a glass kind of gal. I also may come across as a confident person not an obnoxiously confident I’m better than you person, but the confidence in myself and abilities.

I’ll let you in on a little secret.

Some days I’m not. The trick is on these days (and sometimes it is more than a day) is to push through. It’s not always easy to face things. Some days it is easy to get lost in the darkness. Some days you need to remind yourself to push through. It is easy to unpack and stay as even though it is a dark and scary, it can be easier to stay than move forward. Sometimes it’s hard to move forward, but with each step it gets easier. The more you move ahead, the brighter it becomes.

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Some days I think to myself,

“why do I do all these races?”

“What is the point?”

“What are you trying to prove?”

and

“What is the point?”

Here’s my truth….

I was never athletic. I am not a fast runner. I do not look like the typical runner. I am a middle of the pack runner who has yet to complete a marathon without walking.

Yet….

I keep running.

Some days I must remind myself that is enough.

Some days I must be mindful not to allow myself to talk myself in a way that I would never put up with from anyone else.

Some days I must remind myself that outside opinions do not matter.

Some days, I must remind myself that I am in competition with no one but myself. That from where I started, I have come so far. That I do this for no one but me. That the point to this is what ever I want it to be.

I’ve been told by more than one person that they find me inspiring. Every time I hear that I laugh a little to myself. Some days I forget that I am not the same person that I was growing up. That I have come so far and further than many people will ever realize.

The trick in not just our training but in life is to keep moving forward. It’s ok to stumble, but each time you do

get up

dust yourself off

and

get moving again.

PS – I went out for 8 miles today:) 🙂

The Accidentally Running Mama

Run, Bike, Swim and Have a Life!