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Enough

Apr18

 

Yesterday was the Boston Marathon.   This is a day as a runner to be dazzled not just by elite runners but amazing runners with back stories that will bring tears to your eyes.

Jose Luis Sanchez

Like Sgt. Jose Luis Sanchez who was injured in Afghanistan and not only finished in 5:46:13 but did so carrying an American Flag sent to him by his unit when he was recovering from his injuries.

Then there are the Amazingly Speedy Mama’s that I personally know that not only BQ’d (Boston Qualified), but then crushed Boston.   They are inspiring in their dedication, speediness, and awesomeness.

I tip my proverbial hat to all of them.

And as of this was unfolding yesterday, a friend shared a blog post that I found very powerful about being a Mom called What if All I Want is a Mediocre Life?

This post struck me as I pretty much lead a mediocre life.   Don’t get me wrong, I love my mediocre life and often joke that I am destined for bigger and better things.   The truth is though that my life is already pretty much bigger and better already.   Besides bigger means more work and I’m barely keeping my head above water now.    I’ve made peace with my “mediocre life” and I actually love it and probably wouldn’t change much about it except maybe have someone else who is better at it clean my house.

Although I never put in in the context the writer did, I have thought about it when it comes to my running.

Seriously.

What if I’m ok with being a mediocre runner?    What if I  prefer to sleep in and hit snooze than get up early for a run?     What if I know that I will never be standing on the podium?    What if I’m ok being a middle of the packer?    What if I’m ok with just to run as many miles as I can squeeze in on a given week?   What if I just like the comrade that I enjoy with my running group?  What if for right now I have no desire to push my limits in either distance or speed and just want to enjoy the process?

Is that enough?

Am I still a runner?

Do I still get to wear the badge of honor as a runner?

HELL YEAH!

After yesterday’s blog post It is What It is a friend sent me a very nice message.   One of the things she wrote that was so on the money was “Give yourself a break – either mentally or physically.“

She is so right.   I think that I got caught in the cycle of bigger and better and in the process lost a little something along the way.   I have been so focused on the “prize,” the next race, the next distance, the next PR that somewhere along the way I may have run out of gas.      Not the “I’m in a slump” way, but I’ve run out of gas and need directions kind of way.

I’ve achieved a lot in my running in the few years that I’ve been at it.   No joke.   At what point is enough enough?  First it was a Sprint Triathlon. Then a half marathon.  Jumping to the Runner’s World Hat Trick.  Then falling into a  the Philly Marathon.  Ending up at a 50K.  Getting a sub 2 half in NY.   One after another. After another.   I’m not done.   I have goals.   I have dreams and aspirations with my running but maybe for today, maybe for now this is enough.

I admit it.   When I started running, I had something to prove.   Not to anyone else but  to myself.   That I was strong enough.   That I was fast enough.   That I had earned the title of runner.  The problem though became the bigger and better.   The proverbial ring was kept just out of reach.   Don’t get me wrong, I LOVED every minute (ok not every) of pushing my limits and reaching for it all.   Maybe for right now though, I want to just ride the Merry Go Round for a while.

There is nothing wrong with that.

julie andrews

We are all on our own journey.   We all have our own paths to follow.  What is the right path for one person may not be the right path for the next person.   I’ll be honest as I always am, I’m just not sure what path I want to be on right now and that’s ok too.  I’ve got time to figure it out.

For now though

This is enough.

I am enough.

and even with all of this uncertainty, I am happy with where I’m at.

 

Yes, It is Real.

Apr8

 Yes, my running is coming along.   Yes, I’m getting stronger than I was before, but in my mind and body I knew that things still just weren’t right.   To the outsider looking in they might think that everything was ok.   I knew differently.   Mostly because as much as I talk, as much as I share; there is a whole host of things that I keep to myself.   Plus sometimes you begin to wonder, “is it me or is it because of the calcium levels.”

I really though that my thyroidectomy was just going to be a blip on the radar.  So many people in my inner circle either knew or even themselves had their thryroid removed.   It was just a simple procedure and then you just figure out what level of hormone pills to take.

Easy Peasy.

Yes, the doctors warned me of potential risks.   One of them actually being a problem with my calcium level.   But these were minor risks effecting less than 1% and really how hard is it to take calcium pills?   But just like the informational….  But there’s more.   So much more.

I’ve talked about the struggles that I’ve been having since coming back from my surgery.   I’ve mentioned that my calcium levels are never coming back.   I’ve accepted this.  The name for this is Hypoparathyroidism.    It is actually considered a rare disorder.   Yeah, me.   I like to be different.

Again, part of the problem is just trying to figure out if it’s me or my calcium.    Before my surgery a friend who had her thryoid removed gave me a piece of advice.   I’ll paraphrase.   She is also a runner, so she understands.   She said that I should remember that I am a marathon runner and that I know the things that my body can and have done.   If something doesn’t feel right after surgery, I will know because I know what I’m capable of doing.    I hold onto this advice as I try to sort out things.   It is with this thought that I am reminding myself that things just aren’t right when I get a full night sleep and am still exhausted and need a siesta during the day..

What I didn’t know though that I wasn’t alone.   It is a powerful thing when you realize that you are not the only one and it’s not just you.   It’s amazing the information that you can find on the World Wide Web that is actually useful.   The problem is weeding out the garbage.  I recently (like last night) stumbled upon a Facebook group for athletes who also have hypoparathyroidism.   Once I joined the group and started reading some of the posts, I wanted to cry.   Not because they were sad, but because I realized that I wasn’t alone.   I wasn’t babying myself.   I wasn’t making excuses.    These are things that have gone through my mind.    I realized that the “Suck it up Buttercup” mentality really didn’t apply.

From the site NORD (National Organization of Rare Disorders) on side effects of low calcium.

  • The severity of the condition can range from mild symptoms such as a tingling or numbness in the fingers, toes or around the lips (paresthesias) to severe muscle cramps and muscle spasms
  • Additional symptoms that may be associated with hypoparathyroidism include fatigue, generalized weakness, muscle aches, anxiety or nervousness, and headaches. Affected individuals may also have dry, coarse skin, brittle nails, and patchy hair loss such as the thinning of the eyebrows. S
  • Depression, irritability, confusion, disorientation, mood swings and loss of memory have also been reported in individuals with hypoparathyroidism.

Because it is so rare and because people hear “low calcium” levels,  most people (and I was previously one of them) think that calcium is only for strong bones and good hair, but it really does effect so much more.   Then when researching and as told from my doctor the potential side effects of the treatment which for me is a minimum of 5,000 mg of Calcium a day (8 pill minimum throughout the day) with another medicine (Calcitriol) to help my body absorb the calcium., there can be severe side effects.   You can end up with calcium deposits on the brain, kidney stones, and such.   Good times.    According to my doctor, the goal then is to keep my calcium level just high enough to be right at the bottom level of proposed calcium levels, but not too high to cause problems.   Sure.

Easy Peasy.

One of the blogs I read summed it up perfectly.   They said that treating calcium levels is very similar to how a diabetic has to regulate their insulin levels.   Most diabetics can tell by the way they feel if their levels are high or low.   It’s about paying attention to their bodies.   The difference is that a diabetic can easily check their insulin levels at home.   This is not the case for those with hypoparathyroidism.    So it’s about paying attention.   It’s about knowing your body.   It’s about knowing this is a real issue that requires constant care.

I’ve already realized that when I come back from a run where I’ve pushed it, I can feel it.   Sometimes, I will get a twitch in my face.   My muscles are sorer than I remember them ever being.    I’m learning to handle it.  It’s about knowing that I need to roll with it.    I’m now learning from those that have already figured things out.   Life is all about learning, adapting, and doing all that you can.

So I’m going to figure this out.

its-not-what-happens-to-you-but-how-you-react-to-it

 

 

The Little Runner that Could

Feb27

One of my boys favorite books when they were little was The Little Engine That Could.   That feel good story about a little train who knew he could get over the mountain and did.   We can all learn from that little blue train.

little-engineSeriously.

How many times do we talk ourselves out of something before we even attempt it?   Believing you can do something will push you to at least try.   Doubting that you can do it will make you say, “What is the point?”    We need to take a lesson from the little blue engine.   Now I’m not saying just because I start chanting, “I think I can.   I think I can.” am I going to  be able to run a sub 3 marathon.   What it does mean though is that if I set a somewhat realistic goal like a sub 4:30, I might be able to do it with lots of hard work.   It’s all abut knowing where you are and pushing yourself to do the things that might be just a little bit hard.

It’s about going out of your comfort zone.

Today I pushed myself out of the relatively comfy running I’ve been doing.   I decided that I needed to push myself from where I am today not 4 months ago.

You know what?

It was a good run.

I had a plan.   I wanted to do 5 miles.   I wanted to push myself to run faster than I have been lately which has been in the mid 11’s.   I also wanted to get back to controlling my pace and not letting it control me.

5-miles

It might not look like it, but I felt like I took control back today.   My goal was a warm up mile, 2 miles at 10:30, 1 at 10:15 and 1 at 10:00.   Then I came home and took the dog for a mile walk to cool down.   So I actually got in 6 miles today!

What was different about today’s run.   I went into in knowing it was going to be hard.   It was hard.   What surprised me though is that after I started running I actually tweaked my plan to these paces shaving off 10 seconds for each mile.    Even then I did feel like I had to hold back and I had to keep myself in check.   Overall it was a good run and it was a good confidence booster.

It might have been just what I needed.

I think I can.

I think I can.

I will.

Nothing to Prove; Nothing to Loose

Feb4

maya-angelou-quotes

There is a lie that I’ve been telling myself.   I think it’s a lie that many runners tell themselves.   I’ve been thinking that I haven’t been working hard enough because I’m not working as hard as I used to.   But it is a lie, it is a bold faced lie.  I’ve been comparing paces and distances to last year when I was at my peak.  I am far from my peak now.  I have been getting out there.   I have been getting things done.   Putting in miles.   Then when I was out on a run last week, I had an epiphany…

I have been telling myself an even bigger lie.  The biggest lie of all….

Ready…

Here it goes.

Ready for the truth?

I don’t want to train for a marathon right now.

Now, I don’t mean the, “Oh, I wish I didn’t have to run 12 miles tomorrow.”   I mean I just don’t want to train for a marathon right now.  I  just don’t have the drive or desire right now to push myself the way I should be to train for a marathon.   I have no doubt that I could push myself to be ready to run a marathon in April.   The real crux of it is that I don’t want to do it.    I’ve got a whole host of reasons why it would be good to push myself to do it, but I also have a whole host of reasons why right now is not the time to push myself either.

The bottom line is that I have nothing to loose and nothing to prove.  I am just not feeling it.   I know with training that I could do it.   I just don’t want to do it.   I know this is a shocking thing.   It is shocking to me too.

Runners are a funny group.   We will run through injury.   We will push our bodies past the point of sanity.    We are always thinking, I’ve got to go bigger, faster, further.    I’ve been there and I’m sure I will be there again.    There is nothing wrong with that line of thinking.   Just as there is nothing wrong with recognizing that sometimes we need for various reasons to slow down, to not go as far, and just enjoy running for running.

After writing this post, I went to the NJ Marathon site and changed my registration from the marathon to the half-marathon.   I thought that I would feel sadness.   Feel like a sense of failure or something.   I felt none of that.   I felt a sense of relief.   I felt a release of pressure.    As I said before, I’ve got nothing to loose and nothing to prove to myself or anyone else.  I also don’t want to push myself to the point where running is no longer something that I enjoy.

Sometimes it is best to take a step back and that is what I plan on doing.

Have you stepped back?

 

 

No Guilt Required

Dec26

I’m experiencing Christmas hangover and the holiday’s aren’t even over.   One thing that I did decide though is that I am officially taking the rest of the year off from running.   Not that I’ve been doing any running lately, but I’ve made the executive decision not to feel like I should be running.

No guilt required.

The opposite of streaking.

The I’m not going anywhere streak.

I’ve hit 1100 miles for the year.

I’m good.

Besides..

I’ve been thinking about what I want to do when I do start back up and how I want to start.     I’ve been running almost 3 years with no break and I will say this break has been nice with the exception of not running off all these Christmas cookies, candies, and food calories.   I can tell too because somehow my jeans did shrink slightly.   I’m still not running though.   I plan to just keep on indulging now and pay for it later.

And I will pay.

I realized this when I went out for my first real run last week (before I decided to not run til January 1rs).    I went out for about 3 miles.   My average pace was 11:19, but that doesn’t actually tell the story….

run

What this doesn’t tell is that even with this short run I was slightly windy and even sore the next day.   3 miles used to be just a blip for me, but I will have to build back up.   This is one of the reasons that I am taking the rest of the year off.   I don’t want to be sore for Winter Break.   I don’t want to stress to squeeze in a run.   And finally, I want to build back up not haphazardly but with somewhat of plan or at least some thought.

I also want to add more cross training into my running plan.   I might go back to a swimming class for the winter.   It’s a great cross training for running being low impact with a really good cardio workout.    I would also love to add some yoga and weight training.   I just have to see how and when I can add these in as soon it is going to be time to start training for my spring marathon, but I first need to regain what I’ve lost since the NY Marathon which is when I really last ran long:)

So like most of the people I know, I will say that I’m going start running in the New year.

I’m looking forward to it as much as I’m looking forward to enjoying this next week off!

What do you resolve to do more of in the New Year?

all

Like Starting Over

Dec14

The name of my blog is truly reflective of how I discovered my love for running.    I only ran because I needed to for my one and done triathlon.   Yes there have been more than one at this point, but I didn’t know that at the time.    By the time I finished the Couch to 5K program, I realized that I couldn’t imagine not running.

But today was different.   It was no accident that I laced up.   It was a choice.  It was like starting over……

That’s because it really is starting from square one.  Ok, maybe not square one but I am certainly not where I was a month ago which is about how long it was since I have run.   I’m excited to start over.   I have more knowledge than when I accidentally started.   I can go into this with some thought and maybe not as clumsily.    That being said, toady…

It was slow

It was hard.

It was short.

There was heavy breathing

But….

There was joy.

There was excitement.

There was knowledge that I can do this.

   I am not looking at this as what I have lost, because the body and muscles know what to do.   The lungs quest for working hard.   This is a new beginning.

This is stating over and it is a wonderful thing.

Today it was only a mile and a half and a slow pace of 11:15.   I think it was the right distance and I know it was the right pace.   It felt great to be out there again.

One day at a time.

One run at a time.

 

Why Not?

Dec6

So things are looking up.    After changing my medication and going for only 3 blood tests last week, my calcium level now falls into only “moderately low.”    That is opposed to the “if it goes any lower we are going to need to infuse you with calcium via a iv.”   So I will take the moderately low but better counts.    Things must be looking up because I have only gone for one blood test this week and will only go for one more.   I can feel that I’m on the upswing.

calcium-1xs87cq

That being said, I do know that weather it be the medicine I’m taking to improve my calcium that I’m just not “right” yet. I’m taking a medicine in conjunction with the 8 calcium pills a day that helps your body absorb the calcium.   Good times.    It is all tied with my calcium because my other levels are fine.   Today is a perfect example of not being on my  A game.   After taking kids to school, I met a friend for coffee.    By the time, I got home I was exhausted to the point that I actually climbed back into bed and took a short nap.  This is a big adjustment for someone who was running 40 miles a week and now hasn’t even gone around the block in 3 weeks or so.   I will get there, but this will take time.

That being said, I also know that Christmas is just around the corner.   There is baking to be done.   Gingerbread houses and marshmallows to be made.   There are presents to be bought, wrapped, and put under the tree which has yet to be brought home.   So I am not going to push it.   I love Christmas more than I love running.   Yes, I went there.

My running friends and I already have a plan how to get back in the game.   We all know that there really is no point in stressing out now, so come January we are all back in.   NO, this is NOT a resolution.   This is just giving ourselves time to not stress out about our running and we know our running shoes will be waiting for us come January 2nd because whose ready to run on the 1rst.    Besides by this time, I think I will be totally back on track.   Every day I’m feeling better.   Yes, I still can tell my calcium is low with slight tingles now in the face when it’s getting low.   This is a marked improvement from having fingers that clench up and muscles cramps.   One day at a time.

Now, we all know that I need motivation.   My one running friend is doing a half in April that she convinced me would be a good idea to sign up to run.   I was admit that I would not sign up for any races, but I thought maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.   Here’s the thing…. I’m nuts.   I admit it.   I go to the site and instead of clicking half, I register for the full.    But wait, I can explain….

As I told my friend, I don’t want to sound obnoxious.    I know it will come off that way, but considering I just ran a marathon less than a month ago signing up for just the half did not seem like it would challenge me enough.   I also thought about it (yes, very briefly but more since I signed up).   I am going to run and train for this marathon on my own terms.    I have run a few marathons now.    This is supposedly a nice flat course which really means nothing for 26 miles as it’s still 26 miles.   That being said, this will be the first marathon that I train on my own.  No Coach.   Before, I come up with a plan (you know I like plans) I will see where I am in my health, what I think I can do come April, and decide what I will train for.   I will then train, but I want to train with flexibility.    This does not mean that I will go easy on myself but I think I want to do this on my own this time.   It will be a learning experience and life is about learning and living.

So there you have it………

I’m running the NJ Marathon.

Why Not?

 

 

Recovery, Recovery, and Recover Some More

Nov18

Yes, I know that I’ve been off the grid.   I’ll be off for a little longer too.

I have only done two runs post marathon.   I will say that I felt really good on them.   Especially the 6 miles that I got to run on the trails.   Yeah for trails!   My happy place.    It was just what I needed too.

Training for a marathon is tough.   By the end, just about everyone I know is sick of not running but training – needing to run certain miles, needing to hit certain pace, and the time it takes.     Somehow though once the finish line is crossed, you realize not only how worth all that training was but that you would do it all over again!

nycm17

No questions.

Any day.

I, on my runners high, decided to put in for the Chicago marathon lottery just a few short days after running NY.    No not crazy.   Just on a runner’s high.  Besides I think the odd of me actually getting in our slim to non since I used up my lottery luck on Marine Corps Marathon.   That being said, it would be really cool to get in.

Now even on my runner’s high, I am not immune to how hard I pushed my body nor how much it needed a break.

So a break I took.

A break I am getting.

It doesn’t hurt that I’m having surgery today.   So I will be forced to take more of a break than I’ve probably taken in 3 years.

But I’ll be back….

Actually, I’m not going anywhere.   I’ll keep you posted.

No Regrets

Nov1

5 Days

Yup that’s it.

The taper crazies are not setting in as I’ve got too much going on and could use the time away from running.   That being said, it doesn’t mean that my mind is not going.

I’ve been looking at the course.   I’ve been thinking about my goals.   I’ve been thinking about how far I’ve come and it’s been far.

Very far.

I started this journey just a few short years ago.    I think it’s been 5 years now.   How the time goes.

IMG_2278This is me when I started going to the gym.   When I decided it was time.    When never having even done a 5K, I signed up for my first Sprint Triathlon.    It was during this training that I realized that running wasn’t so bad.    That is was actually something to be enjoyed not just endured.    That I would miss it on days that I didn’t run.  That it would bring people into my life that I adore.   It also taught me that I could accomplish things I could only imagine if I just worked hard enough.

Then I thought about my last marathon (can’t believe I use the word last and not only).    I ran Marine Corps Marathon in 4:38:14.    It was a solid race, but there were things I would have done differently.   There were regrets.

 365840_210208824_XLarge(As a side note, I am only 10 pounds lighter here than in the picture above but look at those solid legs.    Remember the number on the scale can lie)

Now back to the story….

The other day I went out for 6 miles.   I spent a good portion of that run having a pep talk with myself reminding myself how far I’ve come.    I reminded myself that I’ve come even further since MCM.    That I am stronger now.   That I have already proven that I can go the distance.   That this year alone I’ve already run more than  1050 miles and still going strong.  Last year I literally was going out at the end of December to hit 1000.    That I am better trained that I was for MCM.   That I’m stronger and faster.  That I need to run (not walk) away from the NYC Marathon with one thing…

NO REGRETS!

Yes, a little phycing out is a good thing.

I came up with my goal.   A realistic goal according to my coach too.

So what is my goal?

I want to run the NYCM in 4:30.

I’ve got a goal and now I’ve got a plan and don’t see a reason why I can’t reach it either.

No regrets.

As long as I give it all I’ve got.    As long as I don’t give up.   As long as I push to the end.

There will be

NO REGRETS

Turning it Around

Oct28

It’s funny since I  admitted yesterday about the way I’m feeling going into NYC Marathon, I’ve gotten a lot of feedback from real life in person friends.   Their support as always is amazing.    I’ve also been thinking a lot about my reasons why I would feel this way because as I said, I want to be excited.   I really do.

My Coach says that often people do feel this way leading up to something big that they’ve been working on.  I can easily see why that would happen.    I also realized that maybe it’s not so much the Marathon that has me feeling this way, but the fact that my life has been so crazy busy these last few months.   I’ve almost been in survival mode just getting everything done that needs to be done, feeling bad about all the things I’ve been letting slide, and squeezing in my training when I could.    Yes, I know we are all busy.    I know that we all have a million and one things to do, but many of the things that have taken over my life actually have very little to do with my actual life.   My volunteer position  has felt like a full time job and no it’s not a volunteer thing I can give up. It’s getting better, but I’m not there yet.    The funny thing is much of that business will end right before the marathon too.

Lately, it’s  all I can do to get the basics done and maybe not as well as I would like.  I’m guessing this is why I’ve been feeling Meh (my Coach’s word).    Maybe it’s not just about the marathon, but about everything.   I feel like a hamster on the wheel were no matter how fast my legs are spinning, I’m getting no where fast.    It’s hard to get excited about anything when all you can think about is the things that are not getting done.    One task gets completed and there are 5 more waiting to be done.   I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but I wish the tunnel were shorter.

Then when I think I’ve got it all figured out, I realize I don’t.

As with everything, there is more to this.   There is the burden of dealing with people and situations that take a toll on us.   Things that you know are wrong and can’t correct.    People who are hateful just to be hateful and even though you know this it still affects you.   Life does not take place in a bubble and these burdens can sap precious energy even when you build a wall against it.   It still takes effort.   It still saps energy.   It still makes you wish people and things were different..

I’m going to get this figured out.   It’s not like it’s keeping me up at night. (HA)  I mean jeez it’s only 4:00 am as I write this.    I did get a few hours of quality sleep.

Things are going to be different.   I need to refocus on myself, the things in my control, and get this show on the road.   I’m already devising a plan (after some hopeful sleep)

and

For those that personally know me, you know I like a plan:)

quote-5