The Shadow of Fear

 

 

noun
noun: fear; plural noun: fears
  1. 1.
    an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

     

verb
verb: fear; 3rd person present: fears; past tense: feared; past participle: feared; gerund or present participle: fearing
  1. 1.
    be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening.

 

As humans fear is a normal emotion.   It’s a survival instinct.   Everyone has some fear and anyone who says they have no fears is either lying to themselves or you.    It is a necessary emotion……

To a point.

If allowed our fears can become bigger than the reality.   We create a boulder to carry when we should only be carrying  a pebble.     It happens before we even know it!   Once we realize the truth of our fears, we can chip away at that boulder and return it to it’s pebble size.   But in order to do that, we must admit our fear and face them.

I’ve realized that I’ve been living on the edge of fear lately and it’s been holding me back.    I’ve never been one to worry about the “What if’s in life.”   I’ve just kind of rolled with it.   Since my diagnosis, I’ve been fearful.   Fearful of a calcium crash.   Fearful that my calcium will spike.   Fearful of the side effects of the medications I must now take.    Fearful that I’m going to end up with kidney stones which is a common side effect.    Fearful that I’m in over my head since I still can’t seem to find a doctor that “gets it.”

Then there is the part of me that thinks I could just stop taking everything and that I’m perfectly fine.   I mean I look fine.   I actually feel good right now which also brings up fear as my levels are too good.   Yes, I know that sounds strange but it’s true.   There is a fine line.    Anyway even though my PTH levels indicate that as much as I’d like it to not to be true, my body just isn’t working right.   So in this case the fear of not taking my meds is a good thing.

stubborn

But fear can also be a bad thing.

Fear can be used to hold us back.

I can’t let the not knowing how my body and how my calcium levels will react hold me back.    Any runner/athlete on any given day can be sidelined by a whole host of things out of their control.   You can do everything right and still have a bad day.    You can’t live in the shadow of fear.

So today I am starting to chip away at that boulder.    As FDR said, “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”   It is with this thought that I went out on my 3 mile run last night.     I didn’t do anything stupid and push myself into paces that I couldn’t hold.    What I did though is say that I am going to run 3 miles and run the whole thing.  I reminded myself that I ran a half marathon only a few months ago and my levels were much lower than they are now.     This does not mean that I’m giving up on the walk/run method.    This just means that I’ve realized that out of fear I may not have been pushing myself to do things that I should push myself to do.

It’s time I started remembering that no one knows what their day will bring and start facing it accordingly.

For now, I choose to embrace a new meaning of fear and once again try to live my life accordingly.   It won’t be easy and I’ve still got baggage to deal with, but I’m going to try.

 

Fear2

 

Again

One day at a time.

One run at a time.

 

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