Tag Archive | depression

Living with Hypoparathyroidism

Feb15

I have a confession to make……

I miss Running.

I miss running fast.

I miss competing.

I miss waking up and not feeling like I’ve run a marathon when I’ve done nothing.

I miss having a body that works the way it is supposed to.

Yes, I am having a pity party today. It happens from time to time. You would think after 7 years of having Hypopartyhroidism that it wouldn’t, especially when I know how lucky I am compared to others that struggle so much more. That being said, my struggles and pity party don’t take away from their struggles or any struggles you are having. We all have our baggage filled with things we wish we didn’t have to carry or wish on anyone else.

Here’s the thing…..

I am tired of constantly having low serum calcium levels and all the fun that brings (said with heavy sarcasm).

I am also tired of at the same time having high urine output calcium levels and all the worry and stress that comes with that.   Like waiting for the shoe to drop but the shoe is kidney stones and damage.   Just waiting…. never sure if it is coming, but knowing that you have to be prepared.   Like the unwanted visitor that says they are going to drop in but you aren’t sure if they really are coming and if so when they will arrive.   

The stress is real.

The worry is real.

My feelings are both real, valid, and in hypopara community probably more widely shared than people outside it realize.   Anytime you have a rare out of the box diagnosis, it is hard finding the care you need.   It’s not that the doctors don’t care, but they might not understand and just look at the numbers.   The numbers don’t always tell the story and often you feel like you are hypochondriac.   Often the doctors will make you feel that way too (insert any rare disorder)

Lastly….. I miss going to doctors and feeling like they know what they are supposed to know to treat me.   I never questioned that prior to 2016.   I’ve learned since then that if you are outside the box, they might think they might know more than you but chances are you’ve done your homework and they might not have.    Now don’t get me wrong, I know in the whole scheme of things they know more than me but when it comes to me and my diagnosis I’ve probably done more research than them.

I’m trying to find a doctor that I can go to and know they know what they know, but when you have a NORD (National Organization of Rare Disorders)  diagnosis that is often harder than it should be. I will further add that insurance is also a stomping block as is the cost of treatment, but those are a whole different post/issue.

So I’ve been struggling. I’ve been keeping it all in. I’ve been quiet in my communications, but I’m trying to climb out of my shell, be open and honest, and put it all out there. We all have our struggles. We all feel like we don’t want to burden others. We all feel like it is our burden to carry alone, but the truth is that when we share these burdens with those in our lives (don’t worry I’ve done that too)…… while it doesn’t make them go away, it does seem to lighten the load.

So if you are carrying a burden…… If you are struggling (with ANYTHING)……. If you feel like no one will understand…… If you feel like everyone has their own shit and you don’t want to add to it with your problems………. You might just find, that they want to know. That they are there for you and that being there for each other in the good and bad is what makes your tribe your tribe and if you don’t think you have a tribe reach out to someone and you might be surprised.

In This Together

Oct21

Like many I am at a weird place in my running. I am a runner who doesn’t run. Sometimes I miss the push. Sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I wonder why I pushed as hard as I did. Then their are the Facebook memories to pop up that show you what you used to be and you wonder if it will ever be again. Not just the races, but the drive that I had to do them.

Right now, there is no drive. there is no feeling like I need to do this. Nothing to even make me feel like in the whole scheme of things is it even necessary. There is so much bigger, real, and important things going on in the world. It makes me feel like my running, my races, my paces is not even worth pursuing or important.

I am fatigued by it all.

I am worried about it all.

I am missing the the world that used to be.

Then I remind myself that yes, all those “wordly” things need attention and are important, but….. but…. but……..

Life is a gift that needs to be enjoyed. Yes, we need to pay atention, get involved, and do what we can to make the world a beter place. Yes, there is much that needs to be done. Yes, we have a responsibility to help make the world, our communities and those closest to us a priority.

But….. But…. But

If we also don’t take time to actually enjoy the gift of life are we really living it?

This week my Facebook memories is filled with Marathon preparations. It is filled with Runner’s World Hat Trick PR’s (5k, 10k, and HM in 2 day). It is filled with a time when I was at my peak as a runner. Not just pre-covid, but in my case pre-hypoparathyroidism. It made me nostalgic, sad, and proud all at the same time. I miss running. Really running like I haven’t done in a long time. I miss training hard. I miss racing hard. I miss it all.

I started this post last weekend, but I never finished it because I felt like I was wallowing a little. That I was being selfish. That it was all in my head. Then this morning I read a post (It’s been a minute) by a blog I follow that reminded me we are all feeling it and that it is ok to feel all the feels.

Sometimes when your are feeling low about something, you want to pretend that you aren’t feeling it. You think that you are the only one feeling it. You tell yourself that you shouldn’t be feeling the way you feel. You tell yourself so many lies to hide the simple truth that it is ok to feel the way you feel. That it is ok to miss what you miss. That it is ok to just allow yourself to be what you are with all the feeling that come with it.

Often in life, too often we pretend that we are ok when we are not. We pretend we aren’t angry when we are furious. We pretend we don’t care about someone when we do. We pretend we aren’t hurt when we are ready to crawl into a ball and cry. We pretend it is ok, when ok is the furthest thing from being ok. We pretend to be so many things that we aren’t. All because we somehow feel that our emotions aren’t justified. That we aren’t justified in feeling them. Every time we do this, we do a disservise to ourselves and those in our lives.

Part of this I think comes from society, from growing up and telling little ones not to cry, not to be angry and what they are feeling will pass. We need to do better not just for future generations, but for ourselves. In my job as a preschool instructor, I often have kids lay their emotions on me. There is one child who will tell me what kind of day he is having. Some days he says, he is having a happy day. Some days he will tell me that he is having a sad day. On those days he is telling me that he is having a sad day, I would never discount his feeling and just tell him to have a happy day. I always have the same answer, “it’s ok to have a sad day but Ms Christine is here for you.” Simple and to the point. Now….. we need to do the same for our own emotions.

Some times it is ok to have a sad day. Some times it is ok to have a down in the dumps day. Some times it is ok to have a I’m just not feeling it day. Some times it is ok to have any kind of day we are having. The trick is to find the balance. If you are having more sad days than good days, please know that there is help. We must stop trying to pretend that we don’t feel the way we feel and we must know that no matter how we feel we are never alone.

We need to allow ourselves to be ok with all the emotions not just the good ones. We need to allow people in to help us when we need help. We need to be willing to help and listen to our friends even when they are not feeling all rainbows and sunshine. We need to know that the good days out weigh the bad days. We need to know that there is hope.

Hope is what we need to hold onto until the days are once again filled with rainbows and sunshine. We are not in this alone, but in this together.

*****If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts and/or depression, you are not alone. Please find someone to talk to or call 800-273-8255 to talk with a counselor****