I’ve been thinking a lot about my Why?
Why can’t I loose weight?
Why is it so hard to start and so easy to give up?
Why does it matter because I’m at the point as hard as I try it’s not working?
Why are my legs so sore all the time?
Why don’t I have the energy I use to have?
Why does it even matter at this point?
Why? Why? Why? Why????
Some answers are easy enough and may sound like a broken record.
I don’t have the energy and my muscles are sore because of the low calcium due to the Hypoparathyroidism. That in leads to the why can’t I loos weight because you have to be mor active for that to happen, but there are other factors in play. You know the “a woman your age” factor. They “your metabolism isn’t what it used to be factor.” Plus I will say that due to the lack of energy and other unknown reasons many in the hypopara community often speak of the difficulty of loosing weight. Although I think based on the massive diet industry that is not unique to us but does add another layer.
I was recently looking at running pictures prior to my surgery.
The days that I was training hard, running fast (sub 2 half) and kicking ass. I had drive. I had ambition. I had the ability to push myself past where I thought it could go. And I’m now in the chicken or egg stage because I don’t know if I no longer have this drive because I know I can’t push myself or if I stopped pushing myself and lost the drive. To be honest though, I think it is because I realized that in order to run the long miles, in order to run the faster paces, in order to expel so much energy that means taking more calcium which in the long run is not what my body needs (the high urine calcium levels show that pretty accurately). I know I can do it. I know I can just pop more calcium and my blood calcium levels will remain stable, but that isn’t something I’m willing to do. You only get one body and I’m trying to do the best that I can.
I have said that I won’t run another marathon until I am back on some (like there are many to choose from) PTH hormone replacement therapy. Natpara isn’t coming back. There is a new one on the horizon (TransCon) but is not FDA approved. Then there is the real worry that even when approved that it will be cost prohibited and insurance won’t cover it. When I was on Natpara, they had a rebate plan to make it “affordable” as when I say it was big money I mean it was big money. Like $10,000 a month money without rebate. Ascendis Pharma owner of TransCon in an earnings call made it seem like there would be no rebate since they literally own the corner of this therapy and it will be a money maker. So there’s that….
Last week when talking to the Nutrionist I said it’s been a roller coaster because I just can’t seem to care because nothing I do is making a difference. I can’t eat my way out of Hypopara. I can’t change my diet enough to not take the calictriol and all the calcium that is so hard on the kidneys. So that lead me to be like….WTF I might as well just eat that pint of Ben and Jerry’s. She got it and she is actually going to do some research on Hypopara to see if there is something we can do for my diet to add more natural calcium that might not be so hard on the kidneys. Between that and FINALLY being able to get an appointment with a specialist who is not only familiar but an expert on hypopara, I have a little hope. Although something the Nutritionist said did stick with me…….
She pointed out (paraphrasing) that while working with her and following the plan might not actually be doing the magic trick I wanted, it is still beneficial. In that it can help to keep other health issues at bay – Keep my cholesterol in check (as it is just under being high). Keep my sugar levels in check. So many other health issues from hypertension to diabetes to even my sleep apnea can benefit from following a healthy diet.
So theres that.
So how am I doing with my goals of dinner and exercise? I’m making progress. I’m being more intentional. Most of all I’m trying.
My why for so long was to reach for something that for now is just out of reach. My why needs to be to just do the best I can with the hand that I have been dealt. Like running a race, life is about learning to bob and weave. I kind of forgot that…