When I ran the Philly Marathon, my first, I was nervous and excited.

When I ran the Marine Corps Marathon, I was counting down the days with excitement.

When  I ran the New York City Marathon,  I could not contain myself.   I was that excited.

In a matter of days, I am running the Chicago Marathon.

I have been looking  forward to it but coming at it with different goals of just finishing and different perspective, it was not at the same level of excitement at all.

Truth be told, this week

I am now hum ho about it.

Now, believe me, I realize how excited I should be.

I realize how lucky I am to be given this opportunity.

I realize that there are a whole host of reasons that I should be over the moon with excitement for this race.   Knowing that doesn’t change the facts.

I just don’t have it.

This week has taken the wind out of my sales.  I’m sure that I am not alone in this respect.   It was a gut punch.  One that I’ve felt before.  Sadly, one that I’m getting used to. In this case,  I’ve never even been to Vegas.   I’m not a Country Music fan.   What I am is another devastated American wondering how something this horrendous can happen for as of now no apparent reason.   To be honest, any reason found will still not be valid enough.

It makes you question what is important and what is not.    It makes you realize how fragile life is and that without warning there might be no more tomorrow.    It also makes you realize that no matter how much you think things are in your control, that control is really just an illusion.

This week has seem like forever and it has only been 3 days.    Then there are things like conversations you have with your mother who is now asking about security at your race.    I’ve been to enough big NYC events to have seen the security.    I have never questioned the need for it or actually minded waiting in line.    I remember the year that I did MCM,  security for the start line was tight.    You expect it.   You appreciate it.

So it is with this level of appreciation that I am heading into Chicago.   I am trying to put the wind back in my sales.    I am trying to get my act together.   Most of all, I am trying to appreciate the abundance of blessing that I have in my life.  And while this tragedy and others have no effected me personally, they do effect me.   There is a sadness that I can not just turn off and those who have dealt with depression know this to be true.

I know the excitement will come and can not be forced.   Tomorrow, I begin to start getting my gear together to take.   I’m    flying out with a friend who is running that I am also rooming with.   My sister and her husband will be in Chicago.

It will be an epic adventure.